Thursday, May 13, 2010

"For we are not long here"

"For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"

This post might be a bit more rambling than the last but I hope it will provide a small measure of enjoyment to those of you who read my blog!!

First I would like to once again thank all of my friends and family for their support. It has been so amazing to see how God has blessed us with a network of people who care so much for the well being of our family. I think it is in times of trial that we truly see the importance of the body of Christ. So many of you have called, written, and said kind words. I can't tell you how much it has meant to Ben and me. No, it doesn't change our situation but it does make the burden seem less cumbersome and the road ahead less lonely. THANK YOU.

I also would like to say my biggest thanks to my wonderful husband. Ben has shown me what God means when He talks about a "help meet." When I'm at my worst, it is only Ben who can make me smile again. He allows me to be sad but he doesn't let me wallow. When I am overwhelmed by the possibilities, he brings me back to the joy of the present. He reminds me of the wonderful reality that we are having a precious girl whom we will and already do love more than life itself. Ben will be an amazing father, just as he has been an amazing husband.

As for Charlotte's progress, she is growing and seems to be doing well. Her movement has become much more prominent, which is a joy for me. Every little kick reassures my heart. We went for a check up yesterday to my OB in Huntsville. Her heart was pumping strong (148) although it took the nurse a little while to get a good reading because Charlotte was moving around so much! My blood pressure is still very low which I suppose is better than the alternative. I also told my doctor that the nausea is back. I thought after the first trimester I was home free but this past week has reminded me that my body is not my own!!! Right now carrots (and I mean bags a day!!) and fruit are my best friend. I will continue to see my OB in Huntsville for routine checkups and periodically go to UAB. My next appointment at UAB is June the 11.

As for my emotional health, well, I'd say there are still good days and bad days. Guilt still rips at my heart and anxiety about the future is a daily battle. Many times when I'm around happy, healthy children I wonder will Charlotte ever be this healthy? Will she suffer from more sickness than those around her? Will her mental capabilities be the same as any "normal" child? Will there be complications with the surgery? The "what ifs" can overwhelm me. I try to remind myself of Elizabeth Elliot's quote: "God does not provide grace for our imaginations. It is 'this day, our daily bread.'" I must be content with the present. Charlotte was never mine. She is God's child and I must open my clinched fist and let Him freely have her. I have to put Charlotte and all my trust in the Lord.

This trial has also made me think more on things eternal. I find myself bound up to what this world has to offer; placing things that will one day be dust above eternal riches. Charlotte's complications have been a wake up call that this world is not so great. It is full of sin, suffering, and the bane of man. Why do I treasure what is a blink of the eye when God has prepared a place of perfect peace and joy for eternity. I am praying to fully realize that Charlotte's eternal well being is of far greater importance than health, which is fleeting. This is a struggle but I'm daily asking God for help.

I don't want you all to think that all my days are sad. Actually, most are quite good. Charlotte attended her first concert a week ago where she proceeded to kick the heck out of me!!! I think the drums made her a bit wired. I also had the experience of registering at Baby's R Us. My friend Ann went with me to help with the overwhelming choices. WOW. The place is huge, but it was a ton of fun deciding what bathtub Charlotte will have and picking out passies to try.

Our stroller came in and I was able to put it together. It moves great and I find myself pushing it around my house just for fun...the neighbors probably think I'm nutzo. Charlotte's crib also came in this week. My parents and grandparent's gave it to us as a baby present. It is an iron crib with a canopy, and I love it!!! The Brattons came over and helped us put it together, which was a ton of fun. I go into her room every morning and take such joy in how it's progressing. We still need a chair and some shelves for books, but I love how it's shaping up. Thursday of this coming week I'm headed to Covington to make the bedding for the crib with my mom. Ever since we decided to do this, I've been so excited. I've seen a lot of wonderful bedding online, but I think it will be a ton of fun to make something with my mom that is totally unique for Charlotte. However, I'm a little worried that I won’t be much help since my sewing skills are greatly lacking!! I'll try to post some pictures of the nursery soon.

Once again thanks for all the love and support. We would greatly appreciate your continued prayers.

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus."-Phil 1: 3-8


Elizabeth said...

Oh Esther, you are such a good writer and I got so excited when I saw you'd written again. I love the honesty and the leaning and more honesty and more leaning. Your trust in Him, along with the truth regarding your angst - it's an encouragement. I pray all the time for Charlotte. I really do. You and Ben are a blessing - really!!! How fun to make the bedding with your mom. I want to see what you've done so far in the nursery - can't wait. Love, Elizabeth

jenniferhs said...

What a blessing to read your blog today! We pray for you, Ben, and Charlotte often.

Anonymous said...

My dear sweet little Charlotte,
It is amazing this thing about loving someone so much that you haven't even seen yet. That's how I feel about you! I am already crazy about you and fiercely loyal as well. Just let someone say or do anything unkind towards you and they will find out what I am talking about! Your mommy and daddy will have the day-to-day duties of loving and taking care of you, but your Pa Pa and I, well....we'll just enjoy the blessing of your company without all of the work. And, boy, are we going to have fun! You best know right now that I am big into strolling. I walked my way through about 4 or 5 strollers with your mother and two uncles so I am pretty keen on stolling around with you!!! I'll let you kick that thought (and your mom!) around and will send you a few more love notes while you ride around in the cushy cocoon of yours. Just know I love you like crazy and....we be stollin' soon!
XOXO, Chica (aka Francie)

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear that the nausea is back! We'll be praying that it goes away again. I ate real vegetables this week! That's a milestone, right? Haha! Actually, baby carrots sound good. I can't wait to feel the kicking! It sounds so awesome! When would be a good month to set a play date (for you and me, haha) and go to Michael A? I hope it is still there! And can't wait to see how the nursery looks with your crib and everything!! AND... we want to see Charlotte's latest snapshots! :) Tell her hello with lots of love from us & Little B! See you next weekend! Love you! Dana

Kristen said...

Hey girl - we're praying for you here in St. Louis. Every day as I hold Ella, I think about Charlotte, and I know that they will be friends. Love you, girl.