Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Emotional Baggage

I meant to write this blog last week…then I tried to write it yesterday so I could say that I actually got a blog out in under two weeks. Looks like two weeks is the best I can do! I don’t know how you bloggers write every other day and even daily?! I am impressed. Of course, no one would want to read my meager words that much, so maybe it’s for the best!!!

Two weeks ago I was feeling hurt and angry. Try as I might I couldn’t let things rest. I was allowing things to fester. That’s NEVER a good idea. Then these words by Elisabeth Elliot pierced my heart:

“I am thanking God that unto us a Child was born. I am thanking Him also that there was a pure-hearted woman prepared to receive that Child with all that motherhood would mean of daily trust, daily dependence, daily obedience. I thank Him for her silence. That spirit is not in me at all, not naturally. I want to learn what she had learned so early: the deep guarding in her heart of each event, mulling over its meaning from God, waiting in silence for His word to her.

I want to learn, too, that it is not an extraordinary spirituality that makes one refuse to do ordinary works, but a wish to prove that one is not ordinary- which is a dead giveaway of spiritual conceit. I want to respond in unhesitating obedience as she did: anything You say, Lord”
(Keeping a Quiet Heart, Elliot).

I cried as I read about Mary’s obedience and her silence before the Lord. I wondered when the last time I had been silent before the Lord was. How often I come to Him with lists of requests or begging Him to take me on a different path. Many times I plead with Him for my desires and asked Him to change the actions of those around me. But here was a woman who didn’t fight or plead. She said YES and silently obeyed the Lord.

My father often reminded me in high school that I was choosing to be upset, and I could choose a different path. Mary chose quiet obedience. I had been choosing to be hurt; to continue on in anger and self pity. I would say that as women, we are often led by our emotions, thinking they are the controlling factor. We think because people are hurtful and trials are frightening we must succumb to our feelings. We cry and tell the world how hard it is. We swing from emotional highs and lows at the drop of a hat and blame all of it on our circumstances. We proclaim that it is better to lay it all out on the table no matter what destruction we might cause. I have often left my husband hurt and bewildered by my emotional purging. I want to learn the beauty of silence before God.

I am not saying that circumstances aren’t hard, and I think that fellowship and confiding in Godly friends are blessings in the life of a Christian. Yet I feel that we use those terms to cover up what we truly are doing, gossiping or asking for self pity. I also believe that crying is important at times. Trust me; I have done my fair share of it! Yet we deny the importance of self control. We claim our emotions are a separate entity and follow wherever they may lead. But aren’t all things, even my emotional reactions to how others treat me, under the Lordship of Christ? If all that I am belongs to Christ, and if I allow Him to rule my life, shouldn’t He rule my emotions as well??

I had been hurt by the words and actions of others, but I had to painfully come to the realization that my continually choosing to be upset was sin, plain and simple. Christ didn’t cry “you are mean to me” or “that’s not fair” as people mocked and abused Him. He forgave again and again. And He was content at all times in His earthy role. He loved perfectly and continuously. That is His calling for my life as well. I am to glorify Him and bless others. That means learning how to forgive, how to hold my tongue, how to let go, how to be at peace in any and all circumstances and how to love.

I truly want Christ to be Lord of my life. I do not want to be a slave to my emotions or my circumstances. It seems every trial and hardship leads me back to the same place; deny thy self. It is a hard thing to learn, the hardest of things; yet I know it is the most important.

"This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience - it looks for a way of being constructive.
Love is not possessive.
Love is not anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own ideas.
Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage.
Love is not touchy.
Love does not keep account of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good men when truth prevails.
Love knows no limits to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that stands when all else has fallen”
( Elisabeth Elliot).

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Sleepless in Scottsboro

I have to thank my dear mother for giving me the apt name of my blog. It perfectly describes the last few months of my life. Charlotte was a pretty good sleeper when we brought her home from the hospital. She immediately new night from day, and for a long while I fed her two and sometimes only once in the night. I was ecstatic when I thought night time feedings where over. At around four months, she slept through the night. She did this for about four or five days…such blissful days. Then she started to wake again, and things got progressively worse.

I could handle the middle of the night feedings. It was tiring, and I had a hard time falling back asleep but I could survive. However, Charlotte was refusing to take naps. From birth she has been more of a cat-napper, but she started to have to nap on me. And then it got to the point where I couldn’t move, and if my stomach gurgled or I tried to hold in a sneeze she would wake up screaming.

Night time routines also seemed to get worse. At first I nursed Charlotte and held her till she fell asleep. Then I started to have to stare at her till she fell asleep. I’m not kidding; if I didn’t look at her, she would start to fuss. Then Charlotte wanted me to sway (standing only, rocking chairs where a no go) while I did the above. I had to wait until she was totally knocked out and then gently put her in her crib while praying that she didn’t wake. Sometimes screaming commenced, and the whole routine had to be started again. She was starting to wake at least twice in the night, and three to four times was becoming more typical. When Charlotte woke after 3am I would have to let her sleep on me for the rest of the morning. I even tried co-sleeping, but it did not work well since Charlotte wanted to be on me. She ended up getting little sleep while I got none. It wasn’t just me who was suffering. Charlotte’s sleep issues where affecting the whole house. She is a good natured baby but started to become easily fussy and never seemed to play hard. Charlotte and I were just flat out exhausted most of the time.

My sweet mom, seeing my state of fatigue gave me a book she had used when I was having trouble sleeping: How to Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems. As I read it I laughed, because it seemed Dr. Ferber had interviewed Charlotte for the book. I also laughed because it made SO MUCH sense. I resolved to start the process of graduated extinction (cry-it-out).

We went on a women’s’ retreat this past weekend with my home church, Trinity. It was wonderful, but Charlotte and I were still exhausted from sleepless nights. After talking to many women and my mom, I resolve to start Sunday night. People had prepared me that the first couple of nights can be tough, but it would all be worth it to Charlotte and me when she was sleeping. I also had many people praying for me. I prayed as well, and decided that I really didn’t think this is how God intended me to spend the rest of my days. I also remembered my mom’s favorite saying: “The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.”

Sunday night seemed to creep up on me, and I was extremely anxious. I’m terrible at letting Charlotte cry. I was afraid that she wouldn’t love me anymore. I know that’s crazy, and I also know that just because she cries or tells me she hates me in the future does not mean I should cave. Isn’t sleep deprivation just as bad for her as a diet of all sugar or bad TV?! I got all weepy before I even put her in the bed (thank goodness she is still too young to understand her mommy crying) and prayed the Lord would bless my decision.

The book says at first to let them cry for 3 min and then go reassure them that you are still there. She cried, and I cried upstairs while I listened to the monitor and waited for Ben to let me go back down. I told her how much I loved her, and I told her it was hard for me too. Charlotte, one day when you are my age, we will laugh about this together. I went back upstairs, and she proceeded to scream. This time I had to wait five minutes before rushing back down stairs and once again promising her this was what was best. After the 5 min wait comes a 10 min wait, and it is 10 min every time after that. If the crying dies down, the book says not to go in, because it would be interrupting their learning to settle themselves. I went back up stairs where Ben comforted me and told me she would be fine. At around the 8 min mark Charlotte began to die down. I honestly thought she was just taking a breather so she could really let me have it, but she whimpered for about 10 more minutes and went to sleep! I was shocked! That night she had one session where she was up for about an hour before settling back down and sleeping till 5:30am!

I couldn’t believe it! I honestly felt kind of stupid about my anxiety. Naps are not going nearly as well, but I really think we’ll get there. It’s just going to be more of a process. Last night when I put her down, she cried for about 2min and then fussed off and on for 10min, so I didn’t even have to go in. She slept through the entire night without a peep! We are both like new people. I think both of us still have sleep to catch up on but the road ahead looks much brighter. Thanks to all who prayed; man, did God answer!!

No two children are alike, so I don’t think there is any book that can solve all problems and give you all the answers. I fully believe that parents have to pray and do what seems best, and many times the paths are different. You might think I will do it differently the next go around, but I’m not so sure. I’m grateful for how much I held Charlotte as an infant, and I will always cherish that time (trust me, she is still in my arms plenty!). I hope to do the same with the next. Hopefully, the next go around I’ll know what to do when not only am I exhausted but the baby’s sleep is suffering as well.

I hope that those parents who are still having trouble with sleepless nights will find solutions that work for them and until then, that God would give them grace and strength through the fatigue. I’m sure I have many more sleepless night ahead of me with stomach viruses, nightmares, sleep-overs, etc., but I can rest much easier knowing that Charlotte is developing good sleep habits now.