Ess the Mess

So blogging has been fairly low on my to do list lately. Mostly, that list has consisted of one thing: survival. To be honest, these last few weeks with Margaret have been tough, very tough. And Charlotte, though sweet natured, has been showing more of her toddler two side.

Yet, my little Margaret has been the one to frustrated, fatigue, sadden, and confuse me and make me question many of the things I had learned parenting Charlotte. My mom is so right when she says, “this is why you need a least two children, because no two are alike.” Charlotte was not a perfect baby. We had a lot to go through in the beginning and she definitely had sleep issues. The child did not nap for more than 20 minutes till after her first birthday. I can also remember some very long car rides and more than a few occasions when I wanted to pull my hair out. In general though, she was a good baby. And when all else failed, I could always count on nursing her to bring her contentment. Before Margaret, I thought nursing was the ultimate pacifier for all babies.

How different my little Margaret is!!! She could qualify for Olympic nursing because she does it SO fast. I’m talking 10 to 15 minutes max. Many of you moms may be thinking how fabulous. And for a short stent it seemed pretty great. But the problem, or so I have read, is that baby’s who nurse quickly can take in quite a bit more air making them gassy. Yes, she nurses fast but I spend the next 30 minutes trying to get all the burps out. I counted 22 yesterday. And she still gets very upset from gas. Lately, she has started screaming in the midst of nursing. I burp her but then she wants nothing to do with nursing. This has been hard for me. Yes, nursing did sometimes seem like an inconvenience with Charlotte, but I loved that bonding time. You don’t nurse a child till they are 14 months (she weaned herself) if you don’t enjoy it. Nursing Margaret doesn’t feel like bonding very much.

So I learned quickly that nursing wasn’t the pacifier I thought it to be. What does pacify Margaret? Well, there are times when NOTHING I seem to do calms her. This is hard for me because my tolerance of crying is low. I am beginning to wonder if I prayed for patience while pregnant with Margaret, and this is how God is going to hammer it into me. When I can get her calm it usually involves patting her back while simultaneously walking/running, squatting, swaying, and making soothing noises. Yes, truly she wants all that at once!!! Honestly, she wants her back patted so much I worry she’s going to burp out a lung. I have thought of calling Webster and petitioning them to put Margaret as a synonym for Work. I have never worked so hard in all my life and currently the yields are low J

Another behavior I’ve notice is overstimulation. She seems to be very easily over stimulated. When we are with friends or family or in a new place she can get extremely worked up. At first I didn’t recognize the signs, but now I notice that she may not immediately cry but her legs kick jerkily and she sometimes starts to drool. Unless I catch it fast and calm her, a major meltdown will ensue. This is probably why she loves the baby carrier: she is held close, kept in fairly constant motion, and although she can look around she can also just stare at me. I’m a huge fan of baby wearing but then again, I also have need for personal space. And my back could use a break. Bathing Charlotte, while wearing Margaret is no easy task!

My pediatrician tells me that colicky behavior tends to wane around months 3 and 4. And I know that babies change daily. In fact, today has been so much better than yesterday. Yesterday was one of those days were all the work and sleepless nights got the better of me. I was frustrated and angry. I am embarrassed to say that I was angry at a baby but I was. It is very hard when you work so incredibly hard to make someone happy without benefit. I also got angry that every moment I tried to spend with Charlotte, Margaret would go into fits. Charlotte is a joy and treasure to me, but I feel that lately she has had to fend for herself.

I also have experience a lot of self doubt. Because every time Margaret cries and I can’t sooth her I feel like a failure as a mother. One of my mom’s friends made the comment: “I was never a perfect mother but it wasn’t for lack of trying.” Oh how I can relate to that! Yet, it seems the harder I try, the more I fail. And I feel things are so unbalanced right now. All my time seems to go to this little baby and I wonder where that leaves my eldest and my husband. I also feel guilt because I’m not always enjoying it. I loved Charlotte’s infancy. I loved nursing her, I loved holding her, I loved just sitting and telling her how much I loved her. Margaret gives these amazing smiles but she doesn’t seem happy for more than mere minutes at a time. I will start to try to just enjoy her but then she gets fussy and the pat, sway, and move circus begins.

I keep reminding myself of a few truths: She will not die from crying and neither will I (as much as it feels like I might). Tomorrow is a new day. The days are long but the years are short. Fatigue makes everything seem insurmountable. I will sleep again. I will type using both hands again one day J Crying takes too much energy, laugh instead. I followed my own advice yesterday. After leaving church and putting Margaret in the car seat, I hopped up front. It was then that I realized the entire front of my church clothes were covered in her poop!!! Turns out Swaddlers can’t always contain it all J

Yes, these have been some tough weeks but there have been some very happy moments as well. My dad came to visit and that is ALWAYS a treat.

We also made a trip to Covington to see family and let my brother Henry and sister-in-law Dana meet their new niece.

It was a busy, crazy, wonderful trip home. And it was great for Charlotte. Her cousin Lia is always on the move and seeing her really motivated Charlotte. She wanted to walk everywhere.

We also met the newest pup member of the family, Grizzly.

She is a sweetie.

There were a few meltdowns of toys but by the end of our visit the girls were playing well together. And they both had a blast playing with Papa.

Lia is so cute it kills me!

She is hilarious too. Love how she is patting Charlotte's head :)

Time for Hop on Pop.

Hop on Pop is now a flop!

So sweet!

The trip back was, in a word:…actually, I probably shouldn’t say that word. It was bad. Everyone was tired and in the middle of colds so we all cried most of the way. However, we survived and the colds seem to be tapering off. Charlotte also cruised for the first time when we got back. She is cruising more and more everyday.

Margaret wants the shimmy, shake, and pat routine so I best go. Let me say this though. It is incredibly hard work now but I love my girls. I love being a mom. I could not imagine doing anything else.

Who could not want moments like these:

Charlotte trying to get Margaret to talk on the cell phone!

Yes it is work.

But it is also JOY

Dear Miss Mary Margaret,

Three weeks and three days ago at around 7pm at night something wonderful happened. I finally started labor with you. Friends, family, and I had been praying that labor would soon begin, so I could avoid another c-section. Your sister Charlotte had to arrive that way, but I had asked God if He would let me try a different route this time. Those close to me had been praying faithfully, and some amazing women in my life had offered encouragement and advice. You are surrounded by people who have loved you before you even arrived.

Labor was long and very hard, but your father was amazing. He was there through all 17 hours providing support and encouragement. I began to think I couldn't last any longer, but at 2pm on Thursday, June 7 you came into this world. All pain and fatigue left my body when they placed you squirming and new in my arms. You were perfection.

The pain of labor makes me think of the trials God places in our life. They are difficult, they sometimes seem endless, and many times it feels impossible that you will be able to cope. But they are for our benefit and growth. They are to shape us into Christ-like beings. Looking back on labor I wonder if it is God's reminder, His gift to women: that their is so much joy in the hardships. When I held you I felt an overwhelming sense of God's love and His boundless blessings in my life. You are a joy to my heart dear child!

You came into this world strong and healthy and have continued to grow rapidly!! As much as you eat, I think you will catch up with your sister fairly soon. You are a bit more demanding than your sister was, and you seem to like to eat every thirty minutes from 2am till 6am. Ahhh, but you are adorable. In the middle of the night, when I feel on the verge of tears from weariness, I look at your sweet face and can't help but tenderly kiss your cheeks.

The beginning is fatiguing, but I know all too well how quickly this phase passes. I look at your sister who now seems like such a big girl, and I wonder where the time went. I look forward to hearing you giggle for the first time and watching you crawl to explore. Yet, there are many moments when I want a pause button. I want to stop and savor the beautiful moments with you and Charlotte for a little longer.

Right now you are curled up in my lap, your favorite place to rest. I was tempted to try to put you in your bouncer but decided I wanted to feel your breath. I wanted to smell your sweet baby scent and lean down and kiss your soft, downy hair. Oh Margaret, I am very tired like many moms of newborns, but there is blissfulness in these early days that nothing else can capture. My weariness makes me lose sight of the joy at moments, but God has a way of reminding me as I look at you. I am in awe of His gift. I am so grateful for you and these quickly passing weeks of newborn.

Much Love and a thousand prayers,
Mommy