I meant to write this blog last week…then I tried to write it yesterday so I could say that I actually got a blog out in under two weeks. Looks like two weeks is the best I can do! I don’t know how you bloggers write every other day and even daily?! I am impressed. Of course, no one would want to read my meager words that much, so maybe it’s for the best!!!
Two weeks ago I was feeling hurt and angry. Try as I might I couldn’t let things rest. I was allowing things to fester. That’s NEVER a good idea. Then these words by Elisabeth Elliot pierced my heart:
“I am thanking God that unto us a Child was born. I am thanking Him also that there was a pure-hearted woman prepared to receive that Child with all that motherhood would mean of daily trust, daily dependence, daily obedience. I thank Him for her silence. That spirit is not in me at all, not naturally. I want to learn what she had learned so early: the deep guarding in her heart of each event, mulling over its meaning from God, waiting in silence for His word to her.
I want to learn, too, that it is not an extraordinary spirituality that makes one refuse to do ordinary works, but a wish to prove that one is not ordinary- which is a dead giveaway of spiritual conceit. I want to respond in unhesitating obedience as she did: anything You say, Lord” (Keeping a Quiet Heart, Elliot).
I cried as I read about Mary’s obedience and her silence before the Lord. I wondered when the last time I had been silent before the Lord was. How often I come to Him with lists of requests or begging Him to take me on a different path. Many times I plead with Him for my desires and asked Him to change the actions of those around me. But here was a woman who didn’t fight or plead. She said YES and silently obeyed the Lord.
My father often reminded me in high school that I was choosing to be upset, and I could choose a different path. Mary chose quiet obedience. I had been choosing to be hurt; to continue on in anger and self pity. I would say that as women, we are often led by our emotions, thinking they are the controlling factor. We think because people are hurtful and trials are frightening we must succumb to our feelings. We cry and tell the world how hard it is. We swing from emotional highs and lows at the drop of a hat and blame all of it on our circumstances. We proclaim that it is better to lay it all out on the table no matter what destruction we might cause. I have often left my husband hurt and bewildered by my emotional purging. I want to learn the beauty of silence before God.
I am not saying that circumstances aren’t hard, and I think that fellowship and confiding in Godly friends are blessings in the life of a Christian. Yet I feel that we use those terms to cover up what we truly are doing, gossiping or asking for self pity. I also believe that crying is important at times. Trust me; I have done my fair share of it! Yet we deny the importance of self control. We claim our emotions are a separate entity and follow wherever they may lead. But aren’t all things, even my emotional reactions to how others treat me, under the Lordship of Christ? If all that I am belongs to Christ, and if I allow Him to rule my life, shouldn’t He rule my emotions as well??
I had been hurt by the words and actions of others, but I had to painfully come to the realization that my continually choosing to be upset was sin, plain and simple. Christ didn’t cry “you are mean to me” or “that’s not fair” as people mocked and abused Him. He forgave again and again. And He was content at all times in His earthy role. He loved perfectly and continuously. That is His calling for my life as well. I am to glorify Him and bless others. That means learning how to forgive, how to hold my tongue, how to let go, how to be at peace in any and all circumstances and how to love.
I truly want Christ to be Lord of my life. I do not want to be a slave to my emotions or my circumstances. It seems every trial and hardship leads me back to the same place; deny thy self. It is a hard thing to learn, the hardest of things; yet I know it is the most important.
"This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience - it looks for a way of being constructive.
Love is not possessive.
Love is not anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own ideas.
Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage.
Love is not touchy.
Love does not keep account of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good men when truth prevails.
Love knows no limits to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that stands when all else has fallen” ( Elisabeth Elliot).
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sleepless in Scottsboro
I have to thank my dear mother for giving me the apt name of my blog. It perfectly describes the last few months of my life. Charlotte was a pretty good sleeper when we brought her home from the hospital. She immediately new night from day, and for a long while I fed her two and sometimes only once in the night. I was ecstatic when I thought night time feedings where over. At around four months, she slept through the night. She did this for about four or five days…such blissful days. Then she started to wake again, and things got progressively worse.
I could handle the middle of the night feedings. It was tiring, and I had a hard time falling back asleep but I could survive. However, Charlotte was refusing to take naps. From birth she has been more of a cat-napper, but she started to have to nap on me. And then it got to the point where I couldn’t move, and if my stomach gurgled or I tried to hold in a sneeze she would wake up screaming.
Night time routines also seemed to get worse. At first I nursed Charlotte and held her till she fell asleep. Then I started to have to stare at her till she fell asleep. I’m not kidding; if I didn’t look at her, she would start to fuss. Then Charlotte wanted me to sway (standing only, rocking chairs where a no go) while I did the above. I had to wait until she was totally knocked out and then gently put her in her crib while praying that she didn’t wake. Sometimes screaming commenced, and the whole routine had to be started again. She was starting to wake at least twice in the night, and three to four times was becoming more typical. When Charlotte woke after 3am I would have to let her sleep on me for the rest of the morning. I even tried co-sleeping, but it did not work well since Charlotte wanted to be on me. She ended up getting little sleep while I got none. It wasn’t just me who was suffering. Charlotte’s sleep issues where affecting the whole house. She is a good natured baby but started to become easily fussy and never seemed to play hard. Charlotte and I were just flat out exhausted most of the time.
My sweet mom, seeing my state of fatigue gave me a book she had used when I was having trouble sleeping: How to Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems. As I read it I laughed, because it seemed Dr. Ferber had interviewed Charlotte for the book. I also laughed because it made SO MUCH sense. I resolved to start the process of graduated extinction (cry-it-out).
We went on a women’s’ retreat this past weekend with my home church, Trinity. It was wonderful, but Charlotte and I were still exhausted from sleepless nights. After talking to many women and my mom, I resolve to start Sunday night. People had prepared me that the first couple of nights can be tough, but it would all be worth it to Charlotte and me when she was sleeping. I also had many people praying for me. I prayed as well, and decided that I really didn’t think this is how God intended me to spend the rest of my days. I also remembered my mom’s favorite saying: “The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.”
Sunday night seemed to creep up on me, and I was extremely anxious. I’m terrible at letting Charlotte cry. I was afraid that she wouldn’t love me anymore. I know that’s crazy, and I also know that just because she cries or tells me she hates me in the future does not mean I should cave. Isn’t sleep deprivation just as bad for her as a diet of all sugar or bad TV?! I got all weepy before I even put her in the bed (thank goodness she is still too young to understand her mommy crying) and prayed the Lord would bless my decision.
The book says at first to let them cry for 3 min and then go reassure them that you are still there. She cried, and I cried upstairs while I listened to the monitor and waited for Ben to let me go back down. I told her how much I loved her, and I told her it was hard for me too. Charlotte, one day when you are my age, we will laugh about this together. I went back upstairs, and she proceeded to scream. This time I had to wait five minutes before rushing back down stairs and once again promising her this was what was best. After the 5 min wait comes a 10 min wait, and it is 10 min every time after that. If the crying dies down, the book says not to go in, because it would be interrupting their learning to settle themselves. I went back up stairs where Ben comforted me and told me she would be fine. At around the 8 min mark Charlotte began to die down. I honestly thought she was just taking a breather so she could really let me have it, but she whimpered for about 10 more minutes and went to sleep! I was shocked! That night she had one session where she was up for about an hour before settling back down and sleeping till 5:30am!
I couldn’t believe it! I honestly felt kind of stupid about my anxiety. Naps are not going nearly as well, but I really think we’ll get there. It’s just going to be more of a process. Last night when I put her down, she cried for about 2min and then fussed off and on for 10min, so I didn’t even have to go in. She slept through the entire night without a peep! We are both like new people. I think both of us still have sleep to catch up on but the road ahead looks much brighter. Thanks to all who prayed; man, did God answer!!
No two children are alike, so I don’t think there is any book that can solve all problems and give you all the answers. I fully believe that parents have to pray and do what seems best, and many times the paths are different. You might think I will do it differently the next go around, but I’m not so sure. I’m grateful for how much I held Charlotte as an infant, and I will always cherish that time (trust me, she is still in my arms plenty!). I hope to do the same with the next. Hopefully, the next go around I’ll know what to do when not only am I exhausted but the baby’s sleep is suffering as well.
I hope that those parents who are still having trouble with sleepless nights will find solutions that work for them and until then, that God would give them grace and strength through the fatigue. I’m sure I have many more sleepless night ahead of me with stomach viruses, nightmares, sleep-overs, etc., but I can rest much easier knowing that Charlotte is developing good sleep habits now.
I could handle the middle of the night feedings. It was tiring, and I had a hard time falling back asleep but I could survive. However, Charlotte was refusing to take naps. From birth she has been more of a cat-napper, but she started to have to nap on me. And then it got to the point where I couldn’t move, and if my stomach gurgled or I tried to hold in a sneeze she would wake up screaming.
Night time routines also seemed to get worse. At first I nursed Charlotte and held her till she fell asleep. Then I started to have to stare at her till she fell asleep. I’m not kidding; if I didn’t look at her, she would start to fuss. Then Charlotte wanted me to sway (standing only, rocking chairs where a no go) while I did the above. I had to wait until she was totally knocked out and then gently put her in her crib while praying that she didn’t wake. Sometimes screaming commenced, and the whole routine had to be started again. She was starting to wake at least twice in the night, and three to four times was becoming more typical. When Charlotte woke after 3am I would have to let her sleep on me for the rest of the morning. I even tried co-sleeping, but it did not work well since Charlotte wanted to be on me. She ended up getting little sleep while I got none. It wasn’t just me who was suffering. Charlotte’s sleep issues where affecting the whole house. She is a good natured baby but started to become easily fussy and never seemed to play hard. Charlotte and I were just flat out exhausted most of the time.
My sweet mom, seeing my state of fatigue gave me a book she had used when I was having trouble sleeping: How to Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems. As I read it I laughed, because it seemed Dr. Ferber had interviewed Charlotte for the book. I also laughed because it made SO MUCH sense. I resolved to start the process of graduated extinction (cry-it-out).
We went on a women’s’ retreat this past weekend with my home church, Trinity. It was wonderful, but Charlotte and I were still exhausted from sleepless nights. After talking to many women and my mom, I resolve to start Sunday night. People had prepared me that the first couple of nights can be tough, but it would all be worth it to Charlotte and me when she was sleeping. I also had many people praying for me. I prayed as well, and decided that I really didn’t think this is how God intended me to spend the rest of my days. I also remembered my mom’s favorite saying: “The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.”
Sunday night seemed to creep up on me, and I was extremely anxious. I’m terrible at letting Charlotte cry. I was afraid that she wouldn’t love me anymore. I know that’s crazy, and I also know that just because she cries or tells me she hates me in the future does not mean I should cave. Isn’t sleep deprivation just as bad for her as a diet of all sugar or bad TV?! I got all weepy before I even put her in the bed (thank goodness she is still too young to understand her mommy crying) and prayed the Lord would bless my decision.
The book says at first to let them cry for 3 min and then go reassure them that you are still there. She cried, and I cried upstairs while I listened to the monitor and waited for Ben to let me go back down. I told her how much I loved her, and I told her it was hard for me too. Charlotte, one day when you are my age, we will laugh about this together. I went back upstairs, and she proceeded to scream. This time I had to wait five minutes before rushing back down stairs and once again promising her this was what was best. After the 5 min wait comes a 10 min wait, and it is 10 min every time after that. If the crying dies down, the book says not to go in, because it would be interrupting their learning to settle themselves. I went back up stairs where Ben comforted me and told me she would be fine. At around the 8 min mark Charlotte began to die down. I honestly thought she was just taking a breather so she could really let me have it, but she whimpered for about 10 more minutes and went to sleep! I was shocked! That night she had one session where she was up for about an hour before settling back down and sleeping till 5:30am!
I couldn’t believe it! I honestly felt kind of stupid about my anxiety. Naps are not going nearly as well, but I really think we’ll get there. It’s just going to be more of a process. Last night when I put her down, she cried for about 2min and then fussed off and on for 10min, so I didn’t even have to go in. She slept through the entire night without a peep! We are both like new people. I think both of us still have sleep to catch up on but the road ahead looks much brighter. Thanks to all who prayed; man, did God answer!!
No two children are alike, so I don’t think there is any book that can solve all problems and give you all the answers. I fully believe that parents have to pray and do what seems best, and many times the paths are different. You might think I will do it differently the next go around, but I’m not so sure. I’m grateful for how much I held Charlotte as an infant, and I will always cherish that time (trust me, she is still in my arms plenty!). I hope to do the same with the next. Hopefully, the next go around I’ll know what to do when not only am I exhausted but the baby’s sleep is suffering as well.
I hope that those parents who are still having trouble with sleepless nights will find solutions that work for them and until then, that God would give them grace and strength through the fatigue. I’m sure I have many more sleepless night ahead of me with stomach viruses, nightmares, sleep-overs, etc., but I can rest much easier knowing that Charlotte is developing good sleep habits now.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
"Bring what hurts, bring your scars, bring the load that you carry; I will give you rest"
We had a wonderful time with Henry, Dana, and Lia this past weekend. They arrived late Thursday evening…after a not so fun trip over here…and left Sunday morning. Henry went in with Ben to work while Dana, Lia, Charlotte and I got to hang out all day Friday. It was so much fun. We even found some great buys at Unclaimed Baggage. Friday night we grilled out and all got stuffed on the world’s largest sweet potatoes…I think each one of them weighed about a pound! Saturday morning we were all a bit groggy from staying up way too late talking, laughing, and reminiscing about how much life had changed in the last few years, but after several cups of coffee and a few cookie dough truffles (a dessert I made that is WAY too addictive and the reason I have put on 5lb in the last few days) we were all ready to face the day. The four of us decided a trip to Earth Fare was in order, and we prayed the girls would handle the car trip well. We loaded up the Flex and headed out. The girls did amazingly well the entire trip with no major meltdowns. We ate lunch at Earth Fare, bought some delicious items for dinner, then headed to Interior Market Place. I could have bought half of the store. Dana and I were in love with adorable children’s clothing, but we both wished they had more sales items. After much drooling over smocked dresses and baby bathing suits, we headed back to the Boro. We decided to do a Tapas style meal of delectable’s we found at Earth Fare. I think everyone’s favorites were a yummy cold sausage, dates, and brie with fig and orange preserves smeared on top. Sunday morning came all too quickly, and I hated to see them go but will be headed to Covington soon for Lia’s Baptism.
My parents are coming up this weekend so our house will once again be full. I love it, always having someone to talk to and sit quietly with while I drink a morning cup of coffee. People might think I’m nuts, but I really could live in a compound with all my family and be perfectly happy. They never seem to get on my nerves, though I’m sure I drive them all nuts. This week has seemed so quiet without everyone here and I have been having an extremely hard time getting anything done. I think chronic fatigue is wearing on me. Sunday night Charlotte only woke once and slept till 7am (yippee). Then we had another night when we were up 3 times, and all rest regained was lost. I keep telling myself I’ll look back, and it will seem like this was just a short phase. Yet, in the middle of it, this season of sleeplessness feels endless.
Emotional trials have me fatigued as well. I keep reminding myself the Lord will not give me more than I can bear, nor will He give my spouse more than he can bear. I, in weakness, can place all importance on temporal things without thinking of a future eternity. It is especially hard to view family in an eternal light; to view life as temporal. I place so much importance on my relationships. They are important, but they are still earthly which means these relationships will come to an end. It’s extremely hard to grasp that the end of our earthly relationship is the beginning of a perfect one in Heaven. I also know that our trials are to shape us and to refine us into something worthy of eternity with the Savior. They chip away at us until we more resemble Christ. Each chisel of the Creator breaks us more of self. He chips away at the tight grasp we hold until we are free to hold only to Him. Oh, but it is a painful process. I want to be able to say “to live is Christ, to die is gain”, but often times I am a coward about the process. I get angry at God when He starts to mold me. In doing so I reject the cross; when as a Christian, I must learn to submit to it. Because in the cross there is perfect justice: a death for the sins of man, and there is perfect mercy: a gift of His own son. Each trial in my own life brings me closer to the harmony of the cross. I am praying the Lord teach me not to run away in fear and anger but to run to Him in submission. “If you knew what God knows about death you would clap your listless hands.” –George MacDonald
Lord I am weary and heavy laden, please give me rest.
My parents are coming up this weekend so our house will once again be full. I love it, always having someone to talk to and sit quietly with while I drink a morning cup of coffee. People might think I’m nuts, but I really could live in a compound with all my family and be perfectly happy. They never seem to get on my nerves, though I’m sure I drive them all nuts. This week has seemed so quiet without everyone here and I have been having an extremely hard time getting anything done. I think chronic fatigue is wearing on me. Sunday night Charlotte only woke once and slept till 7am (yippee). Then we had another night when we were up 3 times, and all rest regained was lost. I keep telling myself I’ll look back, and it will seem like this was just a short phase. Yet, in the middle of it, this season of sleeplessness feels endless.
Emotional trials have me fatigued as well. I keep reminding myself the Lord will not give me more than I can bear, nor will He give my spouse more than he can bear. I, in weakness, can place all importance on temporal things without thinking of a future eternity. It is especially hard to view family in an eternal light; to view life as temporal. I place so much importance on my relationships. They are important, but they are still earthly which means these relationships will come to an end. It’s extremely hard to grasp that the end of our earthly relationship is the beginning of a perfect one in Heaven. I also know that our trials are to shape us and to refine us into something worthy of eternity with the Savior. They chip away at us until we more resemble Christ. Each chisel of the Creator breaks us more of self. He chips away at the tight grasp we hold until we are free to hold only to Him. Oh, but it is a painful process. I want to be able to say “to live is Christ, to die is gain”, but often times I am a coward about the process. I get angry at God when He starts to mold me. In doing so I reject the cross; when as a Christian, I must learn to submit to it. Because in the cross there is perfect justice: a death for the sins of man, and there is perfect mercy: a gift of His own son. Each trial in my own life brings me closer to the harmony of the cross. I am praying the Lord teach me not to run away in fear and anger but to run to Him in submission. “If you knew what God knows about death you would clap your listless hands.” –George MacDonald
Lord I am weary and heavy laden, please give me rest.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Catching Up
I’m going to start off by saying this blog might make absolutely no sense. I’m running off fumes. Someone who is perfectly capable of sleeping through the night woke me up MANY times. However, I’m going to forgive her, because she did allow me to get a ton done yesterday…guess cleaning the house cost one night’s sleep…might not clean the house again anytime soon J
I know it’s been quite awhile since I’ve blogged. Every time I’ve sat down at the computer I’ve either been too tired or felt like I’ve had nothing to say. But now that we are nearing the two week mark, I felt I must catch friends and family up. We’ve had an enjoyable past couple of weeks: girl’s weekend in Covington (grand except for the most miserable car ride I’ve ever experienced, which consisted of 4 straight hours of crying), cooking new dishes including scrumptious Coq Au Vin, many fun birthday parties (Lottie and Andrew), and a few sunny days.
Charlotte is 5 going on 6 months, and she, for the most part, is a blast! I feel like 4 going on 5 months was a bit tough. She was super clingy, fussy if not held, woke up often during the night, and refused to nap. She still wakes up a good bit during the night and only takes cat naps, but she is more amiable and is starting to really enjoy playing with her toys. And the laughter makes my heart skip a bit. The other night I was tossing cheese at Lilly and Charlotte started cracking up. It was great! I love to make her laugh, but it is so much fun to see her laugh at something on her own. Charlotte is really starting to notice the world around her, and it’s a joy to watch. Watching your own child discover the world reminds you of how creative our God truly is. I thank Ben often for letting me stay at home, because I would not want to miss a minute of this.
Charlotte also enjoys reading time. I think she really just likes to watch the pages turn and see the pictures, but I read to her as long as she will let me. I want her to be a reader…as opposed to a watcher of TV. I do way too much watching at night and know that’s going to have to change when she starts to notice the TV. She has looked at it a few seconds, but still has no real interest in it, which I am extremely happy about. Normally at night I let her fall asleep in my arms while Ben and I watch a show (many times “The Office”). I know it sounds crazy, but she seems to like falling asleep to background noise. I know it’s a bad habit, but it makes for a very nice end to an often long day. I’m praying she won’t notice the TV for another 2 years. I doubt that will happen, so I’m sure our night time routine will be changing soon.
Now the cell phone is a completely different story! She is mesmerized by it…which tells you I am on it WAY too often J I typically do not buy her toys because it doesn’t take but one to entertain her; yet I did break down and buy Charlotte a toy phone the other day. I was honestly hoping it would help with car trips. Charlotte enjoys it, but I don’t think it holds a candle to my phone. Plus she is such an observer, she would almost rather watch me play with her toys than play with them herself. In fact, as we speak Charlotte is on my lap happy as a clam watching my fingers move all over the keyboard!
We get a huge treat today. My mom (ChiCha) is coming for an overnight visit. Both of us are excited and even baked cookies in honor of her coming. I just wish the visit was longer and that my dad was coming as well. However, they are both coming for a weekend at the end of February. And in two weekends Henry, Dana, and Lia are coming for a visit!!!! I’m thrilled because I thought I wouldn’t see them till March and hated to think how grown up Lia would be by then. These two girls are changing at rapid speeds, and sometimes I just want to push the pause button. I can’t do that, so I’m trying to treasure each moment!
I hope you all have a wonderful afternoon. I’m hoping I can get a little more work done on my house and I’m praying that God will use my time whether is be cleaning or nursing to glorify Him. I’m praying that He give me a patient spirit in the midst of fatigue and that He help me to seek Him in the quiet moments of the day.
I know it’s been quite awhile since I’ve blogged. Every time I’ve sat down at the computer I’ve either been too tired or felt like I’ve had nothing to say. But now that we are nearing the two week mark, I felt I must catch friends and family up. We’ve had an enjoyable past couple of weeks: girl’s weekend in Covington (grand except for the most miserable car ride I’ve ever experienced, which consisted of 4 straight hours of crying), cooking new dishes including scrumptious Coq Au Vin, many fun birthday parties (Lottie and Andrew), and a few sunny days.
Charlotte is 5 going on 6 months, and she, for the most part, is a blast! I feel like 4 going on 5 months was a bit tough. She was super clingy, fussy if not held, woke up often during the night, and refused to nap. She still wakes up a good bit during the night and only takes cat naps, but she is more amiable and is starting to really enjoy playing with her toys. And the laughter makes my heart skip a bit. The other night I was tossing cheese at Lilly and Charlotte started cracking up. It was great! I love to make her laugh, but it is so much fun to see her laugh at something on her own. Charlotte is really starting to notice the world around her, and it’s a joy to watch. Watching your own child discover the world reminds you of how creative our God truly is. I thank Ben often for letting me stay at home, because I would not want to miss a minute of this.
Charlotte also enjoys reading time. I think she really just likes to watch the pages turn and see the pictures, but I read to her as long as she will let me. I want her to be a reader…as opposed to a watcher of TV. I do way too much watching at night and know that’s going to have to change when she starts to notice the TV. She has looked at it a few seconds, but still has no real interest in it, which I am extremely happy about. Normally at night I let her fall asleep in my arms while Ben and I watch a show (many times “The Office”). I know it sounds crazy, but she seems to like falling asleep to background noise. I know it’s a bad habit, but it makes for a very nice end to an often long day. I’m praying she won’t notice the TV for another 2 years. I doubt that will happen, so I’m sure our night time routine will be changing soon.
Now the cell phone is a completely different story! She is mesmerized by it…which tells you I am on it WAY too often J I typically do not buy her toys because it doesn’t take but one to entertain her; yet I did break down and buy Charlotte a toy phone the other day. I was honestly hoping it would help with car trips. Charlotte enjoys it, but I don’t think it holds a candle to my phone. Plus she is such an observer, she would almost rather watch me play with her toys than play with them herself. In fact, as we speak Charlotte is on my lap happy as a clam watching my fingers move all over the keyboard!
We get a huge treat today. My mom (ChiCha) is coming for an overnight visit. Both of us are excited and even baked cookies in honor of her coming. I just wish the visit was longer and that my dad was coming as well. However, they are both coming for a weekend at the end of February. And in two weekends Henry, Dana, and Lia are coming for a visit!!!! I’m thrilled because I thought I wouldn’t see them till March and hated to think how grown up Lia would be by then. These two girls are changing at rapid speeds, and sometimes I just want to push the pause button. I can’t do that, so I’m trying to treasure each moment!
I hope you all have a wonderful afternoon. I’m hoping I can get a little more work done on my house and I’m praying that God will use my time whether is be cleaning or nursing to glorify Him. I’m praying that He give me a patient spirit in the midst of fatigue and that He help me to seek Him in the quiet moments of the day.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"And what have you done/ Another year over/ And a new one just begun"
Christmas has come and gone, and my house is still showing signs of the event. It was a wonderful time. Our church had a Christmas Eve service which I love going to, because I feel it always gets my mind/heart in the right place. After the service we headed to the Bratton’s to celebrate Mike’s birthday. We spent Christmas Eve and morning with my in-laws. It was a very special time with family. I was absolutely thrilled to wake up to a beautiful white Christmas and will always remember that Charlotte’s first Christmas was snowy. Charlotte seemed to enjoy the affair and loves the bunny sofa that her Nana (Mary) and PawPaw (Mike) gave her. And I am loving the Ipad that they gave me. In fact…I’m a bit obsessed…it’s hard for me to put it down…it might be the reason my house is looking like a nuclear bomb site!
Anywho, it was wonderful to be with the Bratton’s for the morning events, and after checking on the weather we made the snowy drive to Covington to spend time with my family. Charlotte was a champion and slept almost the entire way. Once again the presents were a hit. Charlotte received a Beaba Cook from ChiCha and Papa, which I am thrilled about. Some of the recipes for baby food look better than what I cook now! But I have to say her favorite Christmas present is a teething toy which her Uncle Will gave her. It is a pink ring with a beautiful silver bell. She LOVES it!!! After celebrating with my family for a few days, my mom brought Charlotte and me home to help with the de-decorating process. She was a huge help and it was wonderful as always to have girl time.
New Years came and went in our house without much event. Ben and I did manage to eat a nice diner at Surin, which Charlotte thankfully slept through. And then we went to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me! New Year’s was uneventful but it brought back so many memories. New Year’s Day 2010 we told my in laws and my family that I was pregnant. It was an exciting time but I look back and laugh. How little I knew!!! How little I knew about the work involved and the joy that a baby would bring. I’m sure 2011 will bring many memories. I can’t help but reflect on what a tumultuous year 2010 was.
- 2010
1. We discover I am pregnant…Ben made me take the test three times to be sure!!!!
2. …..we discover we are pregnant right after Ben purchases a motorcycle!!!
3. We paint the nursery: yellow and gray
4. Henry and Dana find out they are expecting as well….I’m an AUNT!!!
5. This baby turns out to be a GIRL!!! But with that news comes the fear that all is not well
6. We wait…I cry…We wait….UAB visit is looming in the distance
7. Ben and I cling to one another as we find that Charlotte does indeed have Spina Bifida
8. I cry and pray for peace
9. My 25th birthday comes and I start to feel a bit old :)
10. Ben and I celebrate our third year of marriage and laugh at how clueless we were that first year.
11. My body is not my own….I call pregnancy Invasion of the Body Snatcher
12. We celebrate the union of Beth and Graham (Ben’s sister) and what a ball it was!
13. I cry and ask God: “Why her? Why not me?”
14. Summer is HOT and maternity clothing has WAY too many layers
15. I find I now like Ranch dressing which I have hated my entire life
16. We head to Canada for cooler weather….hahaha not going to happen
17. Henry and Dana let us know that a girl is on the way: Amelia Estes Little!!!
18. My tummy is growing at rapid speeds and I can now see the bottom of my belly button!
19. UAB visits seem constant. Charlotte is looking small but they tell me they will wait till 39 weeks before inducing
20. Our house is starting to look like an explosion of pink from all the shower gifts
21. I cry
22. Charlotte will not turn and I settled into the fact I’m going to have a c-section
23. Aug. 30 Charlotte arrives, no crying, meconium in her throat, finally I hear crying from far away, they wheel her past me, she is gone, I’m sewn up and rolled away, hazy, when will I see Charlotte?, touch her little arm for the first time, unfathomable love
24. Aug 31. Charlotte has surgery, I’m in physical pain from surgery and emotional pain from Charlotte’s procedure.
25. God is taking me through the fire…refine me oh Lord
26. The next week and a half are the longest of my life. I cry and pray more in those to weeks than I have in all my years.
27. Our daughter is home. What joy fills our house!
28. My mom stays with me for a week and I hated seeing her go.
29. Charlotte does well.
30. Sleep is a rare commodity
31. Ben and I are amazed by our new little wonder!
32. More Children’s visits where all is well. Praise GOD!
33. A trip to the emergency room finds me crying out to God again and asking Him for mercy. And once again He is merciful.
34. Tears for my baby girl and what may lay ahead
35. Church for the first time in weeks. It is such a treat and a joy to be back with all our friends who have prayed so fervently for us.
36. Lia arrives and it is not as uneventful as we had hope, but she is healthy and I am anxious to meet my beautiful niece.
37. My mom hosts Thanksgiving in Covington for the first time. It is a wonderful time with family and finally, the two girls get to meet.
38. The realities of Spina Bifida come crashing down on me in the oddest moments; cuts on Charlotte’s legs she can’t feel, limited muscle tone, constant diaper rash, etc.
39. Christmas season has started and Charlotte enjoys watching our tree fall down…five times
40. Having a child brings much greater understanding of the birth of Christ.
41. Charlotte spends the night with Nana and PawPaw for the first time and we celebrate a wonderful white Christmas
2010 has been one of the most difficult and best years of my life. I hope 2011 brings as much joy as this past year and I hope that God continually seeks to mold me into something worthy to one day stand at His throne.
Friday, December 17, 2010
"What Child is this, who laid to rest, On Mary's lap is sleeping?"
I have a few moments to write a blog…a few moments that I probably should be cleaning. I can’t believe that Christmas is only a week away! It has really snuck up on me this year. Ben and I even debated whether we wanted to put up a tree this year…the pine needles that get everywhere, the glitter from the ornaments, the mess of it all. However, I decided that even though Charlotte will have no memory of this Christmas, I wanted to still make it special. Plus, I thought she would enjoy looking at a Christmas tree. I was right; she loved watching me decorate and seemed to really get a kick when it fell over…about 5 times.
But I did go much lighter on décor this year. I kept thinking to myself, “Is this worth cleaning up,” and that made the process much simpler. I also have been thinking much more about what Christmas truly means. Having a child has greatly altered my perspective of Christmas day. It is painful to admit, but many times I have been absorbed with both the receiving and giving of gifts. Yet, this Christmas I have thought much more about the nativity story which is the true reason we celebrate the season.
I think often of Mary and what she went through. She became a mother in a town where she was a stranger without her mom or dad and with a new husband. She gave birth next to farm animals without the benefits of a physician or the comfort of a bed. Mary knew that God had blessed her with this task, but I imagine she was incredibly scared as well. She then had to rush off with this new, helpless babe because He was in danger. And I can only imagine the pain which Mary went through as she learned that other babies had died in the search for her Son. How she must have wept for those innocent children just as she would one day weep for her own Son’s death.
Mary’s story is amazing but the story that has made me weep this holiday season is the story of a Father sacrificing His only son. I love Charlotte beyond reason and would do ANYTHING to protect her. I would NEVER send her into harms way. Yet God sent Christ, His son to earth as a baby; right in the middle of harms way. Christ was just as helpless and in need of His mother as Charlotte is now. It is a mystery I cannot comprehend. And our Heavenly Father new that this perfect baby was going to suffer more than any human being on earth. God watched as His son was born in the lowliest of places. He watch as Christ was chased, mocked, and betrayed. What’s more, God didn’t just watch but allowed it. And then God watched as the Prince of Peace was beaten and abused. He allowed His Son who was blameless to die for a world that despised Him; for a people that betrayed Him, for a nation that rejected Him. God gave the weight of the world’s sins to His Son. Christ died for me, a sinner through and through. A girl who much too often has thought of herself rather than others, who has held tightly to things of this world rather than eternal riches, who has placed so many other things before the One who created her, who was crucified for her. This Christmas I am grappling with the reality that many years ago a baby, a Prince, was born to die for me.
“Nails, spear, shall pierce Him through,
The Cross be borne, for me, for you:
Hail, hail, the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary!
This, this is Christ the King
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing.
Haste, haste to bring Him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.”
But I did go much lighter on décor this year. I kept thinking to myself, “Is this worth cleaning up,” and that made the process much simpler. I also have been thinking much more about what Christmas truly means. Having a child has greatly altered my perspective of Christmas day. It is painful to admit, but many times I have been absorbed with both the receiving and giving of gifts. Yet, this Christmas I have thought much more about the nativity story which is the true reason we celebrate the season.
I think often of Mary and what she went through. She became a mother in a town where she was a stranger without her mom or dad and with a new husband. She gave birth next to farm animals without the benefits of a physician or the comfort of a bed. Mary knew that God had blessed her with this task, but I imagine she was incredibly scared as well. She then had to rush off with this new, helpless babe because He was in danger. And I can only imagine the pain which Mary went through as she learned that other babies had died in the search for her Son. How she must have wept for those innocent children just as she would one day weep for her own Son’s death.
Mary’s story is amazing but the story that has made me weep this holiday season is the story of a Father sacrificing His only son. I love Charlotte beyond reason and would do ANYTHING to protect her. I would NEVER send her into harms way. Yet God sent Christ, His son to earth as a baby; right in the middle of harms way. Christ was just as helpless and in need of His mother as Charlotte is now. It is a mystery I cannot comprehend. And our Heavenly Father new that this perfect baby was going to suffer more than any human being on earth. God watched as His son was born in the lowliest of places. He watch as Christ was chased, mocked, and betrayed. What’s more, God didn’t just watch but allowed it. And then God watched as the Prince of Peace was beaten and abused. He allowed His Son who was blameless to die for a world that despised Him; for a people that betrayed Him, for a nation that rejected Him. God gave the weight of the world’s sins to His Son. Christ died for me, a sinner through and through. A girl who much too often has thought of herself rather than others, who has held tightly to things of this world rather than eternal riches, who has placed so many other things before the One who created her, who was crucified for her. This Christmas I am grappling with the reality that many years ago a baby, a Prince, was born to die for me.
“Nails, spear, shall pierce Him through,
The Cross be borne, for me, for you:
Hail, hail, the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary!
This, this is Christ the King
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing.
Haste, haste to bring Him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.”
Thursday, December 9, 2010
"He knows my name/ He knows my every thought/ He sees each tear that falls/ And He hears me when I call"
I love the age three going on four months. LOVE IT!!! In fact I love it so much I really am wondering if Charlotte can just stay this age…really. She did great at my parents with hardly any breakdowns. She is also making me a happy mommy by mostly sleeping through the night. Yippee! It is amazing how much sleep can do. Charlotte is still on the feed every three hours during the day schedule. Occasionally she will go four and sometimes in the evening only two. But I feel like we are finally in the swing of things; in sync. I feel like I can recognize and meet her needs faster now.
Of course, there are a few things I wish she would do, like take a bottle. Yes, I have a freezer FULL of pumped milk and a baby who refuses to have anything to do with it. I tried again and she actually took a big gulp (progress!) and then proceeded to spew it all over me…then she grinned huge. Oh, Charlotte! She definitely has a personality at this point. She is such a happy girl. She wakes happy and is usually pleasant unless I don’t get milk to her fast enough. She, like all babies can get grumpy from fatigue or hunger, but then so can I!! Charlotte is even doing awesome in the car seat!! Exposure therapy worked. It probably helps that now she takes more trips in the car that aren’t to the doctor. Thank you, cousin Mary for telling me to keep at it.
Yes, she is a happy little girl and I love it.
---------30 minute break---------------
Sorry, about that…she just had a melt down. Did I mention the other thing that gets her going? She does not like to wake up from a nap not on me or with me out of visual range. In fact, when I do yoga in the morning I put her bouncer facing me. She usually does great and seems to enjoy watching me, and she dozes in and out. I’m hoping to eventually establish actual nap times, but for now I’m just enjoying the flexibility.
Yep, three going on four months is flexible and fun. She’s still a mommy’s girl, but she is typically great with crowds as well. I think she might be a bit of a ham actually. I brought her by my dad’s office when we were in town, so he could show her off to all his coworkers. She proceeded to grin up a storm and then babble at him. That’s right, she has started to babble, and it might be the cutest thing ever. I LOVE to hear her. Charlotte talks a lot with her “friends”, meaning the toys that hang from her bouncer and car seat. Sometimes, Charlotte will babble at me and seem to get frustrated, like “don’t you understand what I’m saying?” It’s hilarious. She talked our ears off one night to my Dad, and it was so adorable I didn’t want to put her to bed.
I am sure before I know it she will be forming real words. This growing up stuff happens WAY TOO FAST. When I held my little niece Lia, I couldn’t help but think “was Charlotte ever really this small??” The changes have flown by. We’ve had a few long days, but it seems like infancy is just a blink. It kills me. Ben keeps on telling me that I’ve said I want her to stay this age every month and Mike, my father-in-law, keeps reassuring me that I’ll love it all. I know both these men are right, but I can’t help but think watching your children grow up is a little bittersweet. Maybe it is part of the “pain of childbirth” that God allows women. I want to hold on to this sweet, innocent stage. I can’t help but love how cuddly she is and how dependent on me. Sometimes, I think God is trying to remind me that our time on earth is much like I view her growing up. It is over in an instant.
She is not only sweet but unknowing. Right now she is the typical baby and has no awareness of issues. I am scared of the day when she comes to realize her problems, when she asks why she has to go to the doctor more than other children, why she has scars. It’s hard enough for me to cope sometimes. I had a wonderful time with my niece Lia. She is of course beautiful. If you have seen my sister-in-law Dana, you know where she gets it from. Yet, I couldn’t help but observe Lia and her movements compared to Charlotte. One day little Lia was lying on her belly on the couch and kicked her leg back. I realized that Charlotte had never made this move before. She is a baby. Most of the complications have not fully displayed themselves, but it is painful as they come to light. The other night I was changing her diaper and realized the back of her thigh had scratches and cuts on it. She will sometimes do this to her face with her nails and scream bloody murder. I called Ben in and was trying to figure out how it happened and questioned why she didn’t cry. Then I saw Ben’s understanding face, and it came to me. She probably didn’t feel it. I completely broke down.
I get use to the complications I know about; the constant diaper rash, the flexed feet. However, when a new one arises (not kicking on her belly, lack of feeling) it completely knocks me down. Reality pushes it’s way back in. I know when she is more aware I’m going to have to toughen up for her sake. Now she has no idea, and maybe that’s part of why it’s hard for me to see Charlotte grow up. As I cried about the cuts she looked at me and smiled. That sweet smile that makes my heart abound in love but also makes me once again ask, “Why not me, Lord, why not me?”
Of course, there are a few things I wish she would do, like take a bottle. Yes, I have a freezer FULL of pumped milk and a baby who refuses to have anything to do with it. I tried again and she actually took a big gulp (progress!) and then proceeded to spew it all over me…then she grinned huge. Oh, Charlotte! She definitely has a personality at this point. She is such a happy girl. She wakes happy and is usually pleasant unless I don’t get milk to her fast enough. She, like all babies can get grumpy from fatigue or hunger, but then so can I!! Charlotte is even doing awesome in the car seat!! Exposure therapy worked. It probably helps that now she takes more trips in the car that aren’t to the doctor. Thank you, cousin Mary for telling me to keep at it.
Yes, she is a happy little girl and I love it.
---------30 minute break---------------
Sorry, about that…she just had a melt down. Did I mention the other thing that gets her going? She does not like to wake up from a nap not on me or with me out of visual range. In fact, when I do yoga in the morning I put her bouncer facing me. She usually does great and seems to enjoy watching me, and she dozes in and out. I’m hoping to eventually establish actual nap times, but for now I’m just enjoying the flexibility.
Yep, three going on four months is flexible and fun. She’s still a mommy’s girl, but she is typically great with crowds as well. I think she might be a bit of a ham actually. I brought her by my dad’s office when we were in town, so he could show her off to all his coworkers. She proceeded to grin up a storm and then babble at him. That’s right, she has started to babble, and it might be the cutest thing ever. I LOVE to hear her. Charlotte talks a lot with her “friends”, meaning the toys that hang from her bouncer and car seat. Sometimes, Charlotte will babble at me and seem to get frustrated, like “don’t you understand what I’m saying?” It’s hilarious. She talked our ears off one night to my Dad, and it was so adorable I didn’t want to put her to bed.
I am sure before I know it she will be forming real words. This growing up stuff happens WAY TOO FAST. When I held my little niece Lia, I couldn’t help but think “was Charlotte ever really this small??” The changes have flown by. We’ve had a few long days, but it seems like infancy is just a blink. It kills me. Ben keeps on telling me that I’ve said I want her to stay this age every month and Mike, my father-in-law, keeps reassuring me that I’ll love it all. I know both these men are right, but I can’t help but think watching your children grow up is a little bittersweet. Maybe it is part of the “pain of childbirth” that God allows women. I want to hold on to this sweet, innocent stage. I can’t help but love how cuddly she is and how dependent on me. Sometimes, I think God is trying to remind me that our time on earth is much like I view her growing up. It is over in an instant.
She is not only sweet but unknowing. Right now she is the typical baby and has no awareness of issues. I am scared of the day when she comes to realize her problems, when she asks why she has to go to the doctor more than other children, why she has scars. It’s hard enough for me to cope sometimes. I had a wonderful time with my niece Lia. She is of course beautiful. If you have seen my sister-in-law Dana, you know where she gets it from. Yet, I couldn’t help but observe Lia and her movements compared to Charlotte. One day little Lia was lying on her belly on the couch and kicked her leg back. I realized that Charlotte had never made this move before. She is a baby. Most of the complications have not fully displayed themselves, but it is painful as they come to light. The other night I was changing her diaper and realized the back of her thigh had scratches and cuts on it. She will sometimes do this to her face with her nails and scream bloody murder. I called Ben in and was trying to figure out how it happened and questioned why she didn’t cry. Then I saw Ben’s understanding face, and it came to me. She probably didn’t feel it. I completely broke down.
I get use to the complications I know about; the constant diaper rash, the flexed feet. However, when a new one arises (not kicking on her belly, lack of feeling) it completely knocks me down. Reality pushes it’s way back in. I know when she is more aware I’m going to have to toughen up for her sake. Now she has no idea, and maybe that’s part of why it’s hard for me to see Charlotte grow up. As I cried about the cuts she looked at me and smiled. That sweet smile that makes my heart abound in love but also makes me once again ask, “Why not me, Lord, why not me?”
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