Well it’s been awhile since my last post, and I’ll try to catch everyone up on the goings on around here. Somehow I thought that since I was pregnant, life would move a bit slower, but really I feel like life couldn’t be crazier!!!!
On June 24th I had a baby shower in Covington hosted by some wonderful friends. I can’t tell you all how lovely everything was. Not only was the décor stunning but the food was delicious. My friend Claire made her mother’s famous chocolate mousse, which I can eat by the pound and my friend Meghan made Oreo truffles…which I did eat by the pound!!! There were also a host of wonderful gifts for Charlotte and me. But best of all, I was surrounded by some of the most important women in my life. Many of the ladies who came helped raise me at Trinity or were encouragers in my life during those tough high school years. It is amazing to me that God has blessed me and now Charlotte with such a strong group of Godly women. They were central in teaching me what it means to be a Godly woman and it gives me great peace and joy to know that they will also pray, encourage, and help disciple Charlotte in Godly ways. For more pictures and information on the party I’m going to refer you to my wonderful friend Meghan’s blog post: http://loquaciouslady.com/2010/06/30/they-did-name-her-after-a-queen/. Big thanks to all the women who made the shower such a wonderful affair!!!
I came back home Friday after the shower and proceeded to start packing for Canada. It is a trip that I look forward to every year, but this year seemed special. Maybe it’s all the hormones but I felt such a strong need to be surrounded by all my family. Ben and I spent the night in Chattanooga and my mom picked me up Tuesday morning to start the long (around 19hr) drive. We had a blast driving up together…or at least I did. We talked until Ohio where we stopped at a wonderful sewing store. It was great, filled with smock dress patterns, silk ribbon, and an array of wonderful books. About 1.5 hr later we were on our way again. The next day we picked up my Dad in Toronto and began the last leg of our trip. We finally arrived at Manakiki and started to unpack. A few surprises greeted us when we got there. A grouse had flown through the newly screened porch and unfortunately died there. We also found a dead bat in the main cabin, and my parent’s sleeping cabin had been home to a porcupine all winter which had eaten their rug and used the cabin as a bathroom. A few things to deal with, but we were on Ahmic!!!
Henry, Dana, and Ben arrived Thursday, and Will did not make it in until Saturday. Finally my whole family was together and I enjoyed every minute of it. Well…almost every minute. :) Sharing one bathroom with seven people can get a bit cramped, and there were moments when I longed for the conveniences of electricity in the form of a fan and air conditioning. However, we had a blast swimming, kayaking, fishing, cooking, roasting marshmallows, reading, playing Rummikub, laughing, boating, and being together. I was very sad to leave, and both Ben and I agreed that we could definitely have stayed at least another week. Plus, the trip home was pretty rough. Henry, Dana, Ben, and I headed home Saturday July 10. We were flying out of Buffalo, NY and gave ourselves plenty of time to get through the border and make our flight which was suppose to depart a little after 6pm. We got to the gate around an hour ahead and proceeded to wait, and wait, and wait. Finally, around 7pm they told us there was a problem with the plane and were trying to fix it. Many grueling hours later we boarded a new plane and left Buffalo around midnight. Ben and I did not make it home until 5am central. We were both exhausted, and it took me the whole week to recover from the debacle.
Thursday July 15th, we headed to Birmingham for a long weekend. I had another doctor visit, and we also had birthing classes. My grandparents had already headed off to Canada and given us the generous offer of staying at their house. It worked out wonderfully, because not only do they keep the fridge stocked full of ice-cream, but they also have a pool which we enjoyed to the hilt. Friday morning we had the doctor visit at UAB, and all went well. Charlotte is growing…though she is on the small side, and all looks as it should. The only blip in the visit was finding out she is breached. We are of course hoping she turns around but no matter what, it is looking like I will be induce or (if she is stilled breached) have a c-section sometime in my 39 week barring any other complications. My next appointment is in three weeks.
The birthing class was VERY long but also quite informative. I found much of the information helpful yet was a bit overwhelmed with all that one has to go through. Maybe ignorance is bliss, because the video on the epidural freaked me out!!! I consider myself pretty tough when it comes to medical stuff but I guess it’s the idea of something going into your spine. Many of you are probably thinking “wait, I thought she wanted to labor drug free???” Well I did, but when I found out I would most likely be induced I started to forgo the idea of drug free labor. Why? Because inducing creates stronger contractions and many times lengthens push labor by HOURS. And of course, if I have a c-section I will most definitely have an epidural. This is not the process I had in mind when I first found out I was pregnant, and I have had moments of sadness when I think I won’t get to tell Ben I’m in labor and we rush off to the hospital. But I’m realizing that acceptance is the path to peace. Things might not go the “typical” way with this labor, but I trust the doctors that God has placed in my life and the end result is still fabulous: CHARLOTTE!!!!!!!!!!!
In the class we also were able to tour UAB’s new facilities. The Women and Infants building is amazing!!! The labor and delivery rooms are huge and feel more like hotel rooms than a hospital. And best of all was the NICU. Each infant has a small private room with an NICU incubator, chair, and loveseat. There is typically one nurse for every one to two babies. This eased my mind so much. It was great to know that there would be a place to breastfeed and watch Charlotte sleep :) I am extremely impressed with both the facilities and staff at UAB hospital. God continues to provide!!!
A few more doctor visits and Charlotte will be here. I still can’t believe I only have around 5 ½ weeks to go!!! Everyone told be by the time I was in my 9th month I’d be ready to deliver, but I’m not so sure. Yes, I am looking forward to taking Advil again and not waking up screaming from leg cramps, but am I really ready??? I am still in shock that I’m going to be a mom and have a tiny little infant to take care of. A friend asked me if I was scared because of Charlotte’s complications. I would have to say somewhat, but really I think if Charlotte was the healthiest baby in the world I’d still be in a bit of a panic. Being a parent is such a huge responsibility, and I only hope I can provide her with the kind of love, support, and care that my parents gave me. I am frightened of the responsibility but thrilled at the prospect of holding and loving her. Oh well, ready or not, here she comes!!!
I pray that God would give me strength for those two weeks at the hospital, that He would give me peace as she is in surgery, that He would give me comfort if complications should arise, and that He would give me wisdom as I try to raise this sweet baby girl to glorify Him. It is a lot to ask but I found that there are no limits to His generosity. God’s grace in my life continues to overwhelm me and His sovereignty has been my comfort.
“Your little kid comes home from kindergarten.
He say’s “Mom, I drew a picture just for you”
A masterpiece on green construction paper,
Though what it is you haven’t got a clue.
But you love those little scribbles because of who’s they are.
Just what they mean you really do not care.
You just kiss your little Rembrandt and say “when we get home,
We gonna tape it up on the Frigidaire”
Cause you’re a collector of refrigerator art
Little kids create their world with their Crayola
To some it might just look a colored mess
But beauty is in the eye of the beholder
And moms can be so easy to impress
They are collectors of refrigerator art
And no mother worth the keeping would chaste or deplore
She would open up a gallery right on the freezer door.
We try to do the best of which we’re able
But every time you know we fall so short
Compare to true perfection, we all fall outside the lines
As best we’re just refrigerator art.
But the one who put the stars up in the heavens
The one who made the wings of the butterflies
He will take us with are awful disproportion
Somehow, we’re all still lovely in His eyes
He’s a collector of refrigerator art
He’s a corrector of refrigerator art
He’s the protector of refrigerator art”
-Allen Levi
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
"Oh, trouble, trouble...
“... trouble, trouble
Feels like every time I get back on my feet
she come around and knock me down again
Worry...Oh, worry, worry, worry, worry
Sometimes I swear it feels like this worry is my only friend”
Ben, Charlotte, and I had a UAB appointment this past Friday and I have been meaning to give everyone an update, but VBS has kept me busy. Sorry for the wait. We went down Thursday evening along with my parents and stayed with my oh-so hospitable grandparents, because our appointment started in the morning. This visit was a little different than the last one, because I not only had an ultrasound to see how Charlotte was progressing but also met with a genetic counselor, a rehabilitation Doctor from Children’s, the head of the Spina Bifida department, and one of the neurosurgeons from UAB. It sounds a little overwhelming, but it was nice to have many questions answered and to see what a coordinated team UAB has for Charlotte.
The ultrasound was done first by an OB specializing in high risk pregnancies. He or one of his team will be delivering Charlotte in a few weeks. The ultrasound showed no major changes from our last visit which was quite a relief for me. One ventricle in the brain is slightly more enlarged than another, but its change has not been enough to cause any alarm. I will be meeting with him again in four weeks for another ultrasound and to discuss the actual birth in more detail.
Next we met with the genetic counselor and the rehabilitation doctor. The genetic counselor came in case something showed up on my ultrasound to indicate the defect might be genetic rather than random. Fortunately, this was not the case so I will no longer be working with her. Next we talked with the rehabilitation doctor about the specific problems Charlotte might face. He couldn’t have been nicer and did a great job of explaining everything. First we discussed Charlotte’s feet. She might have trouble in this area ranging from flat feet to weak ankles and the possible need for braces. Next we discussed the bladder. The more major problem is a Neurogenic Bladder, meaning she has trouble fully emptying her bladder causing UT infections and possible back up into the kidneys which can lead to permanent damage. She will be monitored for this problem, and the usual solution is Clean Intermittent Catheterization (CIC). This simply means emptying the bladder by inserting a catheter and draining urine. The catheter is removed each time, and the procedure is repeated four to five times during the day. The less physically harmful problem she might face is if she is unable to control the muscles that stop bladder and bowel functions from happening. Some children can learn a schedule, and the doctor informed us there are medicines that force the bladder and bowels into scheduled release; so she could learn what time she has to go to the restroom.
We also met with Betsy the SB coordinator. She was extremely kind and explained she would be our “go-to” person with any questions or concerns before and after Charlotte is born. I have to say that the UAB team is pretty amazing. They all seem to be passionate about helping children and are very well organized. Betsy gave us a book on SB called Health Guide for Parents of Children Living with Spina Bifida. It has been daunting and helpful all at once, and I’ve pretty much read it cover to cover.
The neurosurgeon was last, and he explained once again how and when this opening happened (first 26 days of life). He also explained how they would go about closing the spine. The surgery will happen within 24 hours of delivery and typically takes from 1 to 3 hours. He informed us they would be watching her in case she needs a shunt, which 80% of children do with SB in this location. He then gave us the wonderful news that I can hold her on a pillow (avoiding the back) soon after surgery and that breast feeding can typically start three days after surgery. We had all been preparing for her having to be in an incubator in the NICU for 2 weeks without being able to have direct contact, so it was wonderful to hear that this would not be the case. We finished up the meeting with a few more questions and then headed back to my grandparents.
Emotionally, I had several rough weeks right after we found out, but I had started to feel like I was finally on the road to acceptance. However, the road to acceptance is paved with potholes and sharp turns. I had decided not to do much internet research after we found out, because I knew it would always give me worse case scenarios. And, I worried about accuracy. I was starting to accept that Charlotte was going to have problems but did not fully realize what they would be. The unknown is always hard, but I believe there is also some truth to the statement “ignorance is bliss.”
Right after our appointment I felt a huge sense of relief to have so many questions answered and to know I would have contact with her sooner. Yet, as time has passed, I have been a bit overwhelmed by the future. Now that I know in detail, the complications it feels as if I’m grieving all over again. I know things could be worse but that doesn’t mean things are easy. I’m always wishing it could be me and not my baby girl that has to go through all this. I think part of these anxieties stem from the fact I’m already in my third trimester, and the date is soon approaching when little Charlotte will be here. I’ve often wondered how I would handle a “normal” pregnancy/birth and now my mind reels at the idea of going through something different. I get overwhelmed that I probably would fail as a parent to a child with no complications; so how on earth will I give Charlotte all that she needs? Will I be able to spot the signs of a need for a shunt, and a backed up bladder? Will I be able to monitor her in such a way that we can catch complications before they get bad? Will I be enough of a mother??? In my mind I know that even if Charlotte were perfectly healthy, I would not be enough. I am a sinner through and through. Only God is enough for Charlotte….but in my heart I so desperately want to be everything for her.
I also worried that Charlotte might have a hard time accepting the body God has given her. It hurts to think she might view herself as less because of her complications. I’ve always struggled with my self image; thinking I was not pretty and placing too much importance in being physically attractive. I struggled in this area, and I am healthy. I imagine that it will be so much harder for her, and it kills me. This world is a tough place to be if you are not physically perfect, and every magazine and TV Ad is spotting ways to help in the search for perfection. I already know that I will think Charlotte is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Yet I want so much to protect her from these lies and to help her realize that her worth is found in God. I’m already praying that she will fully understand that this is exactly the body God wanted for her, and it is made in His image to glorify Him.
As always, I would ask that you pray for Ben, Charlotte and me. I would appreciate if you would pray that I have peace and accept the bread God has given me. Please pray for strength for Ben. He has had to be my rock through all of this and that can’t be easy. And please continue to pray for Charlotte: for her health, for sound mind and judgment for the doctors working on her, and for her future relationship with Christ. Thank you all for your support. I literally do not know what I would do without it. I thank God for all of you.
Feels like every time I get back on my feet
she come around and knock me down again
Worry...Oh, worry, worry, worry, worry
Sometimes I swear it feels like this worry is my only friend”
Ben, Charlotte, and I had a UAB appointment this past Friday and I have been meaning to give everyone an update, but VBS has kept me busy. Sorry for the wait. We went down Thursday evening along with my parents and stayed with my oh-so hospitable grandparents, because our appointment started in the morning. This visit was a little different than the last one, because I not only had an ultrasound to see how Charlotte was progressing but also met with a genetic counselor, a rehabilitation Doctor from Children’s, the head of the Spina Bifida department, and one of the neurosurgeons from UAB. It sounds a little overwhelming, but it was nice to have many questions answered and to see what a coordinated team UAB has for Charlotte.
The ultrasound was done first by an OB specializing in high risk pregnancies. He or one of his team will be delivering Charlotte in a few weeks. The ultrasound showed no major changes from our last visit which was quite a relief for me. One ventricle in the brain is slightly more enlarged than another, but its change has not been enough to cause any alarm. I will be meeting with him again in four weeks for another ultrasound and to discuss the actual birth in more detail.
Next we met with the genetic counselor and the rehabilitation doctor. The genetic counselor came in case something showed up on my ultrasound to indicate the defect might be genetic rather than random. Fortunately, this was not the case so I will no longer be working with her. Next we talked with the rehabilitation doctor about the specific problems Charlotte might face. He couldn’t have been nicer and did a great job of explaining everything. First we discussed Charlotte’s feet. She might have trouble in this area ranging from flat feet to weak ankles and the possible need for braces. Next we discussed the bladder. The more major problem is a Neurogenic Bladder, meaning she has trouble fully emptying her bladder causing UT infections and possible back up into the kidneys which can lead to permanent damage. She will be monitored for this problem, and the usual solution is Clean Intermittent Catheterization (CIC). This simply means emptying the bladder by inserting a catheter and draining urine. The catheter is removed each time, and the procedure is repeated four to five times during the day. The less physically harmful problem she might face is if she is unable to control the muscles that stop bladder and bowel functions from happening. Some children can learn a schedule, and the doctor informed us there are medicines that force the bladder and bowels into scheduled release; so she could learn what time she has to go to the restroom.
We also met with Betsy the SB coordinator. She was extremely kind and explained she would be our “go-to” person with any questions or concerns before and after Charlotte is born. I have to say that the UAB team is pretty amazing. They all seem to be passionate about helping children and are very well organized. Betsy gave us a book on SB called Health Guide for Parents of Children Living with Spina Bifida. It has been daunting and helpful all at once, and I’ve pretty much read it cover to cover.
The neurosurgeon was last, and he explained once again how and when this opening happened (first 26 days of life). He also explained how they would go about closing the spine. The surgery will happen within 24 hours of delivery and typically takes from 1 to 3 hours. He informed us they would be watching her in case she needs a shunt, which 80% of children do with SB in this location. He then gave us the wonderful news that I can hold her on a pillow (avoiding the back) soon after surgery and that breast feeding can typically start three days after surgery. We had all been preparing for her having to be in an incubator in the NICU for 2 weeks without being able to have direct contact, so it was wonderful to hear that this would not be the case. We finished up the meeting with a few more questions and then headed back to my grandparents.
Emotionally, I had several rough weeks right after we found out, but I had started to feel like I was finally on the road to acceptance. However, the road to acceptance is paved with potholes and sharp turns. I had decided not to do much internet research after we found out, because I knew it would always give me worse case scenarios. And, I worried about accuracy. I was starting to accept that Charlotte was going to have problems but did not fully realize what they would be. The unknown is always hard, but I believe there is also some truth to the statement “ignorance is bliss.”
Right after our appointment I felt a huge sense of relief to have so many questions answered and to know I would have contact with her sooner. Yet, as time has passed, I have been a bit overwhelmed by the future. Now that I know in detail, the complications it feels as if I’m grieving all over again. I know things could be worse but that doesn’t mean things are easy. I’m always wishing it could be me and not my baby girl that has to go through all this. I think part of these anxieties stem from the fact I’m already in my third trimester, and the date is soon approaching when little Charlotte will be here. I’ve often wondered how I would handle a “normal” pregnancy/birth and now my mind reels at the idea of going through something different. I get overwhelmed that I probably would fail as a parent to a child with no complications; so how on earth will I give Charlotte all that she needs? Will I be able to spot the signs of a need for a shunt, and a backed up bladder? Will I be able to monitor her in such a way that we can catch complications before they get bad? Will I be enough of a mother??? In my mind I know that even if Charlotte were perfectly healthy, I would not be enough. I am a sinner through and through. Only God is enough for Charlotte….but in my heart I so desperately want to be everything for her.
I also worried that Charlotte might have a hard time accepting the body God has given her. It hurts to think she might view herself as less because of her complications. I’ve always struggled with my self image; thinking I was not pretty and placing too much importance in being physically attractive. I struggled in this area, and I am healthy. I imagine that it will be so much harder for her, and it kills me. This world is a tough place to be if you are not physically perfect, and every magazine and TV Ad is spotting ways to help in the search for perfection. I already know that I will think Charlotte is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Yet I want so much to protect her from these lies and to help her realize that her worth is found in God. I’m already praying that she will fully understand that this is exactly the body God wanted for her, and it is made in His image to glorify Him.
As always, I would ask that you pray for Ben, Charlotte and me. I would appreciate if you would pray that I have peace and accept the bread God has given me. Please pray for strength for Ben. He has had to be my rock through all of this and that can’t be easy. And please continue to pray for Charlotte: for her health, for sound mind and judgment for the doctors working on her, and for her future relationship with Christ. Thank you all for your support. I literally do not know what I would do without it. I thank God for all of you.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
"All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother." ~A. Lincoln
When I first found our I was pregnant, I started looking at crib bedding. I quickly realized that I had a taste for bedding that was way too expensive!!! My mom and I were a little horrified at how costly it could all get. Then my mom had the wonderful idea to make the crib bedding together. We decided on a sewing weekend in May, and I went to work to find the perfect fabric. Before I knew it I was headed to Covington to sew. Thus began a wonderful five days of sewing, cursing, laughing, and learning with my wonderful mother!!!
After much work we finally finished them and both agreed it was worth it:
Finally, at 6pm Monday evening we finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We celebrated by eating pistachios on the porch and our favorite cream cheese and pepper jelly :) My mom helped me pack up, and I hit the road to Scottsboro to see how it would look and fit in the crib.
I arrived in Covignton on Thursday afternoon. I'll admit that my mom and I did not buckle down immediately to sew, because we had to chat for a bit... awhile... a few minutes... OK, I don't know how long; we just chatted, but we did finally head up to my mom's sewing room to work out ideas. Before we could even begin to cut the fabric, we had to do the background work of deciding on details and LOTS of math. Before long, it was dinner time, so we decided to eat and get to the major work on Friday.
We started with the skirt. I had picked out a natural linen and wanted to band it with lace. After we had cut all the strips for the skirt, I went by a local discount fabric store to look for lace. I found the lace I wanted, but it was attached to a 3 inch band of very tacky fabric. So, I planned on using a seam ripper to detach the lace. When my wonderful/honest mother saw what I had gotten, her eyes went wide. I think she was trying to think of a kind way to tell me what I had gotten was not going to work. I quickly told her my plan to detach all the lace, and she was quite relieved to see I had not completely lost my mind. Before long, both of us were worn out on sewing and decided to call it quits. We were still not finished with the skirt and both realized this would be a longer process than we thought.
The following is a picture of the linen with the lace trim:
My mom did the real work of sewing while I ironed...and ironed...and ironed
Finally on Saturday we finished the skirt and we were both thrilled with the results. It was so nice to see a finished product after much hard work and many pin pricked fingers.
After church and a long leisurely lunch (one of my favorite parts of being back home), we began the arduous task of bumpers!!! There was a considerable amount to work out since the directions that came with the bumper inserts were not clear. We decided to do four separate bumpers with the idea that if sweet little Charlotte spit up on one then all of them would not have to be be cleaned. We also thought we would do invisible zippers on all the bumpers. After spending a few hours trying to figure out how to attach them I decided to go without. My poor mother had spent all this time learning how to attach them for me to say "never mind" but she's amazing and went right along with my decision.
I also wanted a ruffle for the top of the bumpers. Let me warn y'all; we had already realized the misery of ruffles while making the bed skirt and now we had to make tiny ones. My mom started on the ruffles Monday morning but before too long the ruffler foot on her sewing machine gave out. Not fun... good thing Charlotte can't understand words yet!!!
After much work we finally finished them and both agreed it was worth it:
But this is what my mom wanted to do to the fabric:
And I was pretty sour about ruffles as well!!!
Then we had to attach the ruffle to the bumper fabric... not fun either, but we eventually finished and the results made us squeal with delight.
We powered through to get them finished Monday because my mom had to go back to work Tuesday and I had to get back to my husband!!!
The last bit was hand stitching the bumper closed after the insert was in place. I hated this almost as much as the ruffle but the end was in sight!!!!
Finally, at 6pm Monday evening we finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We celebrated by eating pistachios on the porch and our favorite cream cheese and pepper jelly :) My mom helped me pack up, and I hit the road to Scottsboro to see how it would look and fit in the crib.
The following are pictures of the nursery thus far along with the finished bedding.
Drapes:
Lamps:
Lamps:
Dresser/changer:
The bedding and crib:
And the finished product:
I still have to find a chair, and I'd like a very small bookcase. I really love how everything has turned out. I had so much fun making the bedding with my mom, and I learned a ton about sewing. Now I feel confident enough to make a blanket to match the crib. I will always look back on our sewing weekend with happiness...and laugh about how frustrating it became at points and think with fondness about all our crazy moments (all the silk needles, losing rulers, and just general scattered brains). Thank you so much Mom. You are amazing, and I thank God everyday for our friendship. I only hope that I can be half the mom to Charlotte as you have been to me. Oh, and I am thinking that if Ben and I have a boy next... maybe we get his bedding from Target :)
"If the whole world were put into one scale, and my mother in the other, the whole world would kick the beam." ~Lord Langdale
"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. " ~Washington Irving
Who knows, maybe one day Charlotte and I will sew bedding for her own child!!!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
"I found him whom my soul loves; I held on to him and would not let him go..." Song of Solomon 3:4
Ben and I have been married for THREE years now. How the time flies!!! Life is not perfect but these have been some of the best years of my life and I can't wait to spend many more with him. The following is a quote that makes me think of our relationship every time I read it.
"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.
I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish and frivolous and weak things which you cannot help dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful, radiant belongings, that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.
I love you for ignoring the possibilities of the fool and weakling in me, and for laying firm hold on the possibilities of good in me. I love you for closing your eyes to the discords in me, and for adding to the music in me by worshipful listening.
I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life not a tavern but a temple and of the words of my every day not a reproach but a song.
I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me good and more than any fate could have done to make me happy. You have done it by being yourself. Perhaps that is what being a friend means after all." -Elizabeth Barret Browning
Ben you are the most amazing husband and I can't wait to fall more madly in love with you as I watch you become a father.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
"For we are not long here"
"For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"
This post might be a bit more rambling than the last but I hope it will provide a small measure of enjoyment to those of you who read my blog!!
First I would like to once again thank all of my friends and family for their support. It has been so amazing to see how God has blessed us with a network of people who care so much for the well being of our family. I think it is in times of trial that we truly see the importance of the body of Christ. So many of you have called, written, and said kind words. I can't tell you how much it has meant to Ben and me. No, it doesn't change our situation but it does make the burden seem less cumbersome and the road ahead less lonely. THANK YOU.
I also would like to say my biggest thanks to my wonderful husband. Ben has shown me what God means when He talks about a "help meet." When I'm at my worst, it is only Ben who can make me smile again. He allows me to be sad but he doesn't let me wallow. When I am overwhelmed by the possibilities, he brings me back to the joy of the present. He reminds me of the wonderful reality that we are having a precious girl whom we will and already do love more than life itself. Ben will be an amazing father, just as he has been an amazing husband.
As for Charlotte's progress, she is growing and seems to be doing well. Her movement has become much more prominent, which is a joy for me. Every little kick reassures my heart. We went for a check up yesterday to my OB in Huntsville. Her heart was pumping strong (148) although it took the nurse a little while to get a good reading because Charlotte was moving around so much! My blood pressure is still very low which I suppose is better than the alternative. I also told my doctor that the nausea is back. I thought after the first trimester I was home free but this past week has reminded me that my body is not my own!!! Right now carrots (and I mean bags a day!!) and fruit are my best friend. I will continue to see my OB in Huntsville for routine checkups and periodically go to UAB. My next appointment at UAB is June the 11.
As for my emotional health, well, I'd say there are still good days and bad days. Guilt still rips at my heart and anxiety about the future is a daily battle. Many times when I'm around happy, healthy children I wonder will Charlotte ever be this healthy? Will she suffer from more sickness than those around her? Will her mental capabilities be the same as any "normal" child? Will there be complications with the surgery? The "what ifs" can overwhelm me. I try to remind myself of Elizabeth Elliot's quote: "God does not provide grace for our imaginations. It is 'this day, our daily bread.'" I must be content with the present. Charlotte was never mine. She is God's child and I must open my clinched fist and let Him freely have her. I have to put Charlotte and all my trust in the Lord.
This trial has also made me think more on things eternal. I find myself bound up to what this world has to offer; placing things that will one day be dust above eternal riches. Charlotte's complications have been a wake up call that this world is not so great. It is full of sin, suffering, and the bane of man. Why do I treasure what is a blink of the eye when God has prepared a place of perfect peace and joy for eternity. I am praying to fully realize that Charlotte's eternal well being is of far greater importance than health, which is fleeting. This is a struggle but I'm daily asking God for help.
I don't want you all to think that all my days are sad. Actually, most are quite good. Charlotte attended her first concert a week ago where she proceeded to kick the heck out of me!!! I think the drums made her a bit wired. I also had the experience of registering at Baby's R Us. My friend Ann went with me to help with the overwhelming choices. WOW. The place is huge, but it was a ton of fun deciding what bathtub Charlotte will have and picking out passies to try.
Our stroller came in and I was able to put it together. It moves great and I find myself pushing it around my house just for fun...the neighbors probably think I'm nutzo. Charlotte's crib also came in this week. My parents and grandparent's gave it to us as a baby present. It is an iron crib with a canopy, and I love it!!! The Brattons came over and helped us put it together, which was a ton of fun. I go into her room every morning and take such joy in how it's progressing. We still need a chair and some shelves for books, but I love how it's shaping up. Thursday of this coming week I'm headed to Covington to make the bedding for the crib with my mom. Ever since we decided to do this, I've been so excited. I've seen a lot of wonderful bedding online, but I think it will be a ton of fun to make something with my mom that is totally unique for Charlotte. However, I'm a little worried that I won’t be much help since my sewing skills are greatly lacking!! I'll try to post some pictures of the nursery soon.
Once again thanks for all the love and support. We would greatly appreciate your continued prayers.
"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus."-Phil 1: 3-8
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"
This post might be a bit more rambling than the last but I hope it will provide a small measure of enjoyment to those of you who read my blog!!
First I would like to once again thank all of my friends and family for their support. It has been so amazing to see how God has blessed us with a network of people who care so much for the well being of our family. I think it is in times of trial that we truly see the importance of the body of Christ. So many of you have called, written, and said kind words. I can't tell you how much it has meant to Ben and me. No, it doesn't change our situation but it does make the burden seem less cumbersome and the road ahead less lonely. THANK YOU.
I also would like to say my biggest thanks to my wonderful husband. Ben has shown me what God means when He talks about a "help meet." When I'm at my worst, it is only Ben who can make me smile again. He allows me to be sad but he doesn't let me wallow. When I am overwhelmed by the possibilities, he brings me back to the joy of the present. He reminds me of the wonderful reality that we are having a precious girl whom we will and already do love more than life itself. Ben will be an amazing father, just as he has been an amazing husband.
As for Charlotte's progress, she is growing and seems to be doing well. Her movement has become much more prominent, which is a joy for me. Every little kick reassures my heart. We went for a check up yesterday to my OB in Huntsville. Her heart was pumping strong (148) although it took the nurse a little while to get a good reading because Charlotte was moving around so much! My blood pressure is still very low which I suppose is better than the alternative. I also told my doctor that the nausea is back. I thought after the first trimester I was home free but this past week has reminded me that my body is not my own!!! Right now carrots (and I mean bags a day!!) and fruit are my best friend. I will continue to see my OB in Huntsville for routine checkups and periodically go to UAB. My next appointment at UAB is June the 11.
As for my emotional health, well, I'd say there are still good days and bad days. Guilt still rips at my heart and anxiety about the future is a daily battle. Many times when I'm around happy, healthy children I wonder will Charlotte ever be this healthy? Will she suffer from more sickness than those around her? Will her mental capabilities be the same as any "normal" child? Will there be complications with the surgery? The "what ifs" can overwhelm me. I try to remind myself of Elizabeth Elliot's quote: "God does not provide grace for our imaginations. It is 'this day, our daily bread.'" I must be content with the present. Charlotte was never mine. She is God's child and I must open my clinched fist and let Him freely have her. I have to put Charlotte and all my trust in the Lord.
This trial has also made me think more on things eternal. I find myself bound up to what this world has to offer; placing things that will one day be dust above eternal riches. Charlotte's complications have been a wake up call that this world is not so great. It is full of sin, suffering, and the bane of man. Why do I treasure what is a blink of the eye when God has prepared a place of perfect peace and joy for eternity. I am praying to fully realize that Charlotte's eternal well being is of far greater importance than health, which is fleeting. This is a struggle but I'm daily asking God for help.
I don't want you all to think that all my days are sad. Actually, most are quite good. Charlotte attended her first concert a week ago where she proceeded to kick the heck out of me!!! I think the drums made her a bit wired. I also had the experience of registering at Baby's R Us. My friend Ann went with me to help with the overwhelming choices. WOW. The place is huge, but it was a ton of fun deciding what bathtub Charlotte will have and picking out passies to try.
Our stroller came in and I was able to put it together. It moves great and I find myself pushing it around my house just for fun...the neighbors probably think I'm nutzo. Charlotte's crib also came in this week. My parents and grandparent's gave it to us as a baby present. It is an iron crib with a canopy, and I love it!!! The Brattons came over and helped us put it together, which was a ton of fun. I go into her room every morning and take such joy in how it's progressing. We still need a chair and some shelves for books, but I love how it's shaping up. Thursday of this coming week I'm headed to Covington to make the bedding for the crib with my mom. Ever since we decided to do this, I've been so excited. I've seen a lot of wonderful bedding online, but I think it will be a ton of fun to make something with my mom that is totally unique for Charlotte. However, I'm a little worried that I won’t be much help since my sewing skills are greatly lacking!! I'll try to post some pictures of the nursery soon.
Once again thanks for all the love and support. We would greatly appreciate your continued prayers.
"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus."-Phil 1: 3-8
Thursday, April 29, 2010
"God will make a way where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannont see, He will make a way for me."
As most of you know Ben and I are expecting a baby girl Sept. 6, 2010. I took a pregnancy test the Monday after Christmas. I thought there was no way we could be pregnant but my heart longed to see a positive result…and THERE IT WAS!!! Ben made me take another test just to be sure!! We were thrilled to know we would soon embark on the journey of parenthood. The first trimester seemed to lag on with constant nausea, but I tried to remind myself about the many women I know who have had it way worse.
Suddenly we were in the second trimester. I was feeling much better and counting down the weeks till we would find out the sex of BB (Baby Bratton). When I found out I was expecting all preconceived notions of what gender child I wanted went out the window and was replaced with a desire for a healthy baby whether boy or girl. People would ask what I thought I was having, and I never really had a clue. Yet, my mom, in-laws, and husband felt confident it would be a girl.
Finally 20weeks arrive!! My mom, mother-in-law and Ben accompanied me to the ultrasound. It was wonderful to see how much BB had grown and watch as BB moved and kicked. And after much measuring and checking the nurse finally told us we were expecting a little girl: Charlotte Frances Bratton!!! Everyone was thrilled. Unfortunately, the news was not all good. During the ultrasound my Doctor noticed an abnormality in the shape of the head which is referred to as the “lemon sign.” Ben and I were shocked and upset as she told us this shape could be a sign of Spina bifida and that we would have to see a specialist in Birmingham. I was extremely upset, but we did manage to celebrate the rest of the day by shopping for cute dresses and fun toys.
The days between my ultrasound and my appointment at the UAB hospital (about a week) seem to drag as anxiety about Charlotte’s health tore at me. Ben had a very positive outlook, and I tried to as well. My father informed me that only 1 out of every 20 children displaying the “lemon sign” has Spina Bifida which were good odds. I prayed fervently for Charlotte’s health and tried to trust in the sovereignty of God though I had my low moments.
Finally Wednesday arrived and Ben and I met my parents in Birmingham for the appointment. We waited anxiously as the doctor looked at Charlotte. When the doctor was finally done, he brought up a picture of her spine on the ultra sound and showed us that she did indeed have Spina Bifida. Right above her tail bone in the Sacral area of the spine there are around 3 vertebrae that did not close when she was developing early on. My first question was how severe this was since there are numerous levels of Spina Bifida. He told us that this was a more minor case. He then explained that she would need surgery right after she was born to close this area and try to salvage any nerves. Charlotte would probably have to be in the hospital for around 2 weeks to heal and be monitored. She also could possibly need a shunt later on to drain excess fluid from her brain. He informed us that with an opening this low the complications tend to be bladder and bowel control. Typically, one can still train the child in this area and by the time they are school aged there is no noticeable evidence of Spina Bifida. He let us know that I would need to continue coming for check up visits every four to six weeks and that it would be best to deliver Charlotte at UAB. The doctor also let us know that it would be important to have a strong network of people looking out for and monitoring Charlotte’s progress. This means I will have a pediatrician at home but most likely go to UAB for periodic checkups. As the pregnancy progresses I will be meeting with a team of doctors to discuss the birth and future therapy Charlotte might need.
It was a lot to take in. I recognize that in the scheme of things this prognosis is not so bad. Spina Bifida can be much more severe and even life threatening. It doesn’t and never will change how much I love her. How could it possibly? I know that God is in control, this is part of His plan. However, it is hard to know that my little baby girl whom I already love more than life itself, will have to have surgery when she is still so tiny. I have been fantasizing about the birth…about holding her right after she is born, about breastfeeding and bonding with her, about my family being around me all vying for a turn to hold her. It is hard to let those moments go. There is a fierce love and protection that comes with having a child. You would do anything to make them whole and healthy. It has also been hard not to blame myself, although my family, my husband, and the doctors have reminded me that this is not my fault and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. Yet it is hard to believe it, because you feel so responsible for the person growing inside you.
It is tough news, and I wish I could say I was totally fine with it; but I’m not. However, I do find great comfort in the fact that this is a more minor Spina bifida, I will probably still be able to deliver vaginally, and I do not have to undergo amniocenteses. In every other way Charlotte is thus far growing and developing great, and Ben, Charlotte, and I have the love, support, and prayers of so many wonderful friends and family. I also find great comfort in the knowledge that God was and is in control. He is both sovereign and good. He has been so very faithful to me my entire life and He will continue to be. Even this is part of His handiwork and will glorify Him. There is no one who loves Charlotte more than her Creator and I am trying to lean and trust in Him.
Thanks to all of you who have cried with me, made me laugh when I thought all I could do was cry, called, written emails and messages, and prayed for our family. Your support has been amazing and I would ask for your continued prayers. Please pray for Charlotte’s health and growth. Pray also for Ben and me, for peace about the future, for wisdom, and for strength. Thanks so much and I’ll try to keep everyone posted as things progress.
“You formed [Charlotte’s] inmost being;
you knit [her] in [her] mother's womb.
[She will] praise you, so wonderfully you made [her];
wonderful are your works! [Her] very self you knew;
[Charlotte’s] bones were not hidden from you,
When [she] was being made in secret,
fashioned as in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes foresaw [her] actions;
in your book all are written down;
[her] days were shaped, before one came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16
Suddenly we were in the second trimester. I was feeling much better and counting down the weeks till we would find out the sex of BB (Baby Bratton). When I found out I was expecting all preconceived notions of what gender child I wanted went out the window and was replaced with a desire for a healthy baby whether boy or girl. People would ask what I thought I was having, and I never really had a clue. Yet, my mom, in-laws, and husband felt confident it would be a girl.
Finally 20weeks arrive!! My mom, mother-in-law and Ben accompanied me to the ultrasound. It was wonderful to see how much BB had grown and watch as BB moved and kicked. And after much measuring and checking the nurse finally told us we were expecting a little girl: Charlotte Frances Bratton!!! Everyone was thrilled. Unfortunately, the news was not all good. During the ultrasound my Doctor noticed an abnormality in the shape of the head which is referred to as the “lemon sign.” Ben and I were shocked and upset as she told us this shape could be a sign of Spina bifida and that we would have to see a specialist in Birmingham. I was extremely upset, but we did manage to celebrate the rest of the day by shopping for cute dresses and fun toys.
The days between my ultrasound and my appointment at the UAB hospital (about a week) seem to drag as anxiety about Charlotte’s health tore at me. Ben had a very positive outlook, and I tried to as well. My father informed me that only 1 out of every 20 children displaying the “lemon sign” has Spina Bifida which were good odds. I prayed fervently for Charlotte’s health and tried to trust in the sovereignty of God though I had my low moments.
Finally Wednesday arrived and Ben and I met my parents in Birmingham for the appointment. We waited anxiously as the doctor looked at Charlotte. When the doctor was finally done, he brought up a picture of her spine on the ultra sound and showed us that she did indeed have Spina Bifida. Right above her tail bone in the Sacral area of the spine there are around 3 vertebrae that did not close when she was developing early on. My first question was how severe this was since there are numerous levels of Spina Bifida. He told us that this was a more minor case. He then explained that she would need surgery right after she was born to close this area and try to salvage any nerves. Charlotte would probably have to be in the hospital for around 2 weeks to heal and be monitored. She also could possibly need a shunt later on to drain excess fluid from her brain. He informed us that with an opening this low the complications tend to be bladder and bowel control. Typically, one can still train the child in this area and by the time they are school aged there is no noticeable evidence of Spina Bifida. He let us know that I would need to continue coming for check up visits every four to six weeks and that it would be best to deliver Charlotte at UAB. The doctor also let us know that it would be important to have a strong network of people looking out for and monitoring Charlotte’s progress. This means I will have a pediatrician at home but most likely go to UAB for periodic checkups. As the pregnancy progresses I will be meeting with a team of doctors to discuss the birth and future therapy Charlotte might need.
It was a lot to take in. I recognize that in the scheme of things this prognosis is not so bad. Spina Bifida can be much more severe and even life threatening. It doesn’t and never will change how much I love her. How could it possibly? I know that God is in control, this is part of His plan. However, it is hard to know that my little baby girl whom I already love more than life itself, will have to have surgery when she is still so tiny. I have been fantasizing about the birth…about holding her right after she is born, about breastfeeding and bonding with her, about my family being around me all vying for a turn to hold her. It is hard to let those moments go. There is a fierce love and protection that comes with having a child. You would do anything to make them whole and healthy. It has also been hard not to blame myself, although my family, my husband, and the doctors have reminded me that this is not my fault and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. Yet it is hard to believe it, because you feel so responsible for the person growing inside you.
It is tough news, and I wish I could say I was totally fine with it; but I’m not. However, I do find great comfort in the fact that this is a more minor Spina bifida, I will probably still be able to deliver vaginally, and I do not have to undergo amniocenteses. In every other way Charlotte is thus far growing and developing great, and Ben, Charlotte, and I have the love, support, and prayers of so many wonderful friends and family. I also find great comfort in the knowledge that God was and is in control. He is both sovereign and good. He has been so very faithful to me my entire life and He will continue to be. Even this is part of His handiwork and will glorify Him. There is no one who loves Charlotte more than her Creator and I am trying to lean and trust in Him.
Thanks to all of you who have cried with me, made me laugh when I thought all I could do was cry, called, written emails and messages, and prayed for our family. Your support has been amazing and I would ask for your continued prayers. Please pray for Charlotte’s health and growth. Pray also for Ben and me, for peace about the future, for wisdom, and for strength. Thanks so much and I’ll try to keep everyone posted as things progress.
“You formed [Charlotte’s] inmost being;
you knit [her] in [her] mother's womb.
[She will] praise you, so wonderfully you made [her];
wonderful are your works! [Her] very self you knew;
[Charlotte’s] bones were not hidden from you,
When [she] was being made in secret,
fashioned as in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes foresaw [her] actions;
in your book all are written down;
[her] days were shaped, before one came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
"I'm coming home/ made up my mind that's what I'm going to do/ Can't love nobody on the telephone/ I'm coming home to you"
Please don’t make me get in another vehicle for at least a month!!! I love to travel but I have to say that Ben and I are worn out. Christmas always brings lots of to and fro. But now that it’s January I’m ready for our cars and behinds to have a break. Just this past week I was in Huntsville three days in a row and then we went to my home town for the weekend, then Monday I was back in Huntsville!!! And to top it off I have a cold which is draining me of what little energy I had. God tells us to take a day of rest however; I’m tempted to take 10 in a row.
I say traveling to Huntsville three days in a row wore me out but honestly, when we first moved to Scottsboro, I thought I’d be there all the time. I assumed I’d still head to Publix for my groceries instead of facing my arch enemy Wal-Mart. Plus there is the wonderful world of Costco and my favorite nurseries: the Greenery and Bennett’s, all in Huntsville. How can I neglect the library? Though the Huntsville Library is not my favorite because of its dark 70s interior, it is stilled filled with a wealth of books. The first time I went to Scottsboro’s library I cried on the way home. It was so miniscule I really couldn’t believe it. Maybe this was a big deal to me because as a child the library was a favorite outing. Covington’s library was a world of magic, learning, and discovery with many books and sweet librarians always willing to help us. Ever since I have had a fondness for libraries which has only grown with time.
Yet I still don’t make it to Huntsville very often. I guess I’ve learned to conqueror monstrous Wal-Mart, though I still hate every minute of it. And I find the produce stands here in Scottsboro quite suffice. I’ve even enjoyed finding new little local shops. My favorite haunts include: Unique Treasures with its great selection of affordable antiques, Wimberley House for its wealth of cute décor, Unclaimed Baggage because, well…it’s Unclaimed Baggage, Goody Too Shoes with all their wonderful clothes, and a few others. And I can’t leave out Hammer’s. Some people might not believe me when I say I sometimes enjoy shopping in Scottsboro!
I can’t say I’m country and I worried that I wouldn’t fit-in in Scottsboro. But I’ve met the most fabulous people in our community. Our church is a big part of why we moved to Scottsboro in the first place. I can’t praise Riverside Community Church enough. Ben and I have found a home there and are thrilled to be a part of such a wonderful group of believers. I also love our street with so many friendly neighbors and families out in their yards together. I might not be the typical Scottsboro resident but who is “typical”? Our friends accept me as I am which makes me feel right at home.
I’ve learned that even though Scottsboro is small and rural it has some great things to offer. I still am longing for better restaurants, a nice grocery store, and a Chick-fil-A. I would also love to see a higher value placed on cultural items and the arts. But no town is perfect and I truly believe this is where Ben and I are supposed to be. I’m learning to feel at home here and really enjoy what North Alabama has to offer. However, I do still get misty eyed when I go to the library. I suppose that’s how it always is: the good with the bad. I worry that my children won’t have the same experiences I did, but I’m learning that’s ok, they’ll have their own…maybe Chattanooga has the magical library I’m longing for and it’s only a day trip away.
I say traveling to Huntsville three days in a row wore me out but honestly, when we first moved to Scottsboro, I thought I’d be there all the time. I assumed I’d still head to Publix for my groceries instead of facing my arch enemy Wal-Mart. Plus there is the wonderful world of Costco and my favorite nurseries: the Greenery and Bennett’s, all in Huntsville. How can I neglect the library? Though the Huntsville Library is not my favorite because of its dark 70s interior, it is stilled filled with a wealth of books. The first time I went to Scottsboro’s library I cried on the way home. It was so miniscule I really couldn’t believe it. Maybe this was a big deal to me because as a child the library was a favorite outing. Covington’s library was a world of magic, learning, and discovery with many books and sweet librarians always willing to help us. Ever since I have had a fondness for libraries which has only grown with time.
Yet I still don’t make it to Huntsville very often. I guess I’ve learned to conqueror monstrous Wal-Mart, though I still hate every minute of it. And I find the produce stands here in Scottsboro quite suffice. I’ve even enjoyed finding new little local shops. My favorite haunts include: Unique Treasures with its great selection of affordable antiques, Wimberley House for its wealth of cute décor, Unclaimed Baggage because, well…it’s Unclaimed Baggage, Goody Too Shoes with all their wonderful clothes, and a few others. And I can’t leave out Hammer’s. Some people might not believe me when I say I sometimes enjoy shopping in Scottsboro!
I can’t say I’m country and I worried that I wouldn’t fit-in in Scottsboro. But I’ve met the most fabulous people in our community. Our church is a big part of why we moved to Scottsboro in the first place. I can’t praise Riverside Community Church enough. Ben and I have found a home there and are thrilled to be a part of such a wonderful group of believers. I also love our street with so many friendly neighbors and families out in their yards together. I might not be the typical Scottsboro resident but who is “typical”? Our friends accept me as I am which makes me feel right at home.
I’ve learned that even though Scottsboro is small and rural it has some great things to offer. I still am longing for better restaurants, a nice grocery store, and a Chick-fil-A. I would also love to see a higher value placed on cultural items and the arts. But no town is perfect and I truly believe this is where Ben and I are supposed to be. I’m learning to feel at home here and really enjoy what North Alabama has to offer. However, I do still get misty eyed when I go to the library. I suppose that’s how it always is: the good with the bad. I worry that my children won’t have the same experiences I did, but I’m learning that’s ok, they’ll have their own…maybe Chattanooga has the magical library I’m longing for and it’s only a day trip away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)