Ess the Mess

"There's only grace, There's only love, There's only mercy and believe it's enough"

2012-01-26T12:48:00.002-06:00

Thanks to all of you who prayed and encouraged me before my UAB ultrasound. It is always wonderful to feel the love and support of the Body of Christ.

We headed for a 20 week diagnostic ultrasound at UAB to specifically check on this new little girl and see if there were any signs of SB. Oh, and I made Ben take a 20 week picture:

I wish I’d made him take one last night because even though I am only 2 weeks further along my belly has definitely popped out. I’m hoping it’s from the growth of our sweet girl and not just all the ice cream I’ve been eating lately 

We headed to the doctor last Thursday. Ben, my mom, and Charlotte were all there with me. I was pretty worn from anxiety and having gotten very little sleep the night before. I had been encouraged by how much kicking I had been feeling early on; but worries still plagued me. First, they had us watch a video on diagnostic testing and amniocenteses. There was another girl in the room with us who had had abnormal blood work. It was thinking about her situation that began to calm my nerves.

I don’t know her situation except that she had a 7 year old daughter and she seemed very young. I began to think about how hard it must be for her, how scary. I remembered my own fear coming in for testing with Charlotte. I was worried this time but it was different because I had survived it. God had proven trust worthy during some of the hardest times of my life. He had not given me more than I could bear. There was so much comfort in those thoughts; that even if this child had issues I knew that the Great Physician would provide in my hour of need.

I wondered about the girl and her situation; if she had a supportive husband and family. I began to get a small glimmer into the grace that God has had in my life since Charlotte’s diagnosis. Sometimes I think all we get is a glimmer into His grace, because it is so boundless and unfathomable. He placed me with a spouse who loves and encourages me. I have a father who keeps up with new findings in Spina Bifida and has always been the one I call for questions. I have a mother who comes to every doctor’s visit and makes sure she knows the proper ways to care for Charlotte. I have siblings who have prayed for my daughter and loved her like she was their own. I have in-laws who lavished Charlotte with love and always looked at her like she is perfect (which she is, in our eyes). I have a church both here and where I grew up that have been prayer warriors on behalf of my daughter. I have friends who have cried with me and rejoiced with me. And Charlotte has done exceedingly well. God has bestowed BOUNDLESS grace in my life.

I sat in the doctor’s office as the Ultra sound tech took pictures, and though my heart fluttered with nerves I thought of all this grace. It has been grace given to the least deserving. My mind went to the girl, hoping she would have a good report and if not, that she too would look back and see God’s grace. This little babe would be well taken care of not matter the outcome. God’s sovereignty and goodness has been at work even in my womb.

The Tech informed us that we were having another GIRL: YAY! And the doctor informed us that everything looked great. They can never tell you for sure you are having a healthy child but from the ultrasound all was going well. More and more grace. I will never deserve it nor be able to repay it.

I am thrilled to be having another little girl. We have decided to name her: Mary Margret Bratton and call her Margret. It is a named derived from family we love dearly. I never had a sister and though I can’t imagine life without my brothers I am elated for Charlotte to experience it.

I pray that they will be close. I know that they will fight, because that is what siblings do. Yet, I hope that Margret will bring lightheartedness into Charlotte’s life, and that Charlotte’s sweet nature would be a balm to Margret. I can’t wait to see what she is like. It’s strange to think that this little girl could and will probably be completely different from the one I know. But I love her already and I know that my God does too.

Charlotte and the move are keeping me fairly busy but I will try to keep everyone posted on how this pregnancy is progressing. And a few more pictures before I go:

"Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the Future"

2012-01-12T13:34:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I’m racking my brain trying to remember everything that has passed since my last post…a lot. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. We certainly did. We spent this year is Scottsboro and hosted Ben’s family. I have a new appreciation for the many years my mom has slaved away to give us a special Christmas dinner. We decided to do a Christmas lunch so I cooked as much as possible before hand. I could not have accomplished the monumental task without Ben taking over turkey cooking and the numerous calls to my mother as I tried to get the dressing just right!

Christmas morning everyone came over and watched as Charlotte was dazzled by an array of gifts. She is still too young to really get into toys and she came down with a cold that morning; yet, Charlotte seemed to have a good time eyeing all her loot.

The car was a fabulous gift from her Aunt Beth and Uncle Graham. She loves me pushing her around. I was doing laundry the other day and we “picked up” the sheets in her car and then drove them over to the bedroom. My back is still recovering!

Charlotte has been more and more enamored with stuffed animals so I decided it was time for a doll as did her grandparents. Now she has two babies that she loves to hug. I think she is going to be a wonderful big sister.

Our biggest Christmas surprise came in the form of getting a new home!! That’s right, we are moving. I am sad to leave all the memories we have made in this home and all the work I have put into this yard. However, I couldn’t be more thrilled to familiarize myself with a new kitchen and make even more wonderful memories. The other plus is this new house is less than a mile away from our current location; hopefully, making moving a little less burdensome. I do get a bit overwhelmed thinking about packing everything with a little girl who demands my full attention and a belly that is getting more swollen by the minute! Ben and I hope that this will be our last move 

The week after Christmas went by rather slowly as Charlotte’s cold made her more and more fussy. It was her first time having a cold (huge blessing) and it made me realize what work it is to care for a sick child.

We went to my family for a long New Year’s weekend which was a welcome break. While in Covington, Ben and I attend a concert in Atlanta for a band we greatly enjoy, Futurebirds. It was a late night for this pregnant woman (1am-ish) but definitely worth it. Sunday, Ben headed back to Scottsboro while I stayed on with my parents. Charlotte was acting very sick and started to get a low grade fever. We were all worried about the possibility of a UTI but knew it could also be from a virus. We decided to wait it out. Monday, Charlotte’s temperature was hardly elevated but by the evening it was running very high. We ended up taking her to the ER were she was diagnosed with a UTI. I am happy to report that she has greatly improved since then, with hardly a cold left and done with her antibiotics.

Sunday, Charlotte and I headed to Birmingham for yet another appointment. I get pretty tired of traveling the road so much but I’m very lucky to have wonderful family in Birmingham. It is always a treat to see them. Monday, we headed to her Ophthalmologist appointment. I thought that maybe her eyes had improved a bit. However, Dr. Metz did not see much improvement. She will need eye surgery, but Dr. Metz wants to wait a few months in the hopes that her right eye might improve and only one would need correction. I am praying towards this.

Tuesday, we headed to an OB appointment were Charlotte and I were able to hear the whooshing of Peanuts heart as it pumped away. All seems to be progressing well. My nausea is much better though I still sometimes reach for Zofran to make it through the day. And my belly is all of the sudden growing at a rapid pace. I didn’t get all that huge with Charlotte but I can tell I’m going to be much bigger with this one.

Next Thursday, we head to UAB for the diagnostic ultra sound. I’m still anxious and praying for God’s peace. I have felt tons of movement which has been an encouragement. I would ask that you all continue to pray.

And finally, for those who are interested, I took picture of Charlotte’s braces. We practice standing for at least an hour a day. She has done well though sickness slowed her down for a few days.

Ben picked out the shoes for Charlotte while we were out shopping. Yep, she already has Toms and they work great with her braces.

New Christmas toys also help keep Charlotte entertained though she often gets tired and fussy at the end of a work out.

I hope you all our enjoying the New Year. I can’t believe it is already 2012 and I’m half way done with this pregnancy. I am looking forward to an eventful year and praying for God’s wisdom as we navigate the often tumultuous waters of parenthood.

"I have traveled many moonless nights. Cold and weary with a babe inside. And I wonder what I've done."

2011-12-14T20:23:00.014-06:00

"Holy Father, You have come.
And chosen me now to carry Your son."

It’s been so long I’m not even sure where to begin! I’m impressed with all of you who spit out blogs like it is nothing, even during the holiday season. Holiday blogginitis: the inability to put one’s life into words during the holiday, and/or the lack of energy to write. Yep, that’s me…not to mention the nausea that continues to have me running for the kitchen sink and turning my nose at foods I used to love (chocolate).

However, Charlotte is in bed, thoroughly exhausted, because Lilly woke her from her nap THREE times; and Ben has brought work home with him tonight. I’m out of excuses, so I guess I need to write.

I believe I left off writing before Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a wonderful time. We certainly did. We celebrated with family and had the wonderful treat of a visit with my dad for a few days. He is an amazing father but also one of my best friends, and I am always glad to have him near.

As is Charlotte.

From birth, our little girl has had a special affection for her Papa.

I think she has excellent taste :)

We were looking forward to a quieter end to November, but it seemed to disappear in a matter of moments. December has been, well, busy. There are all the typical holiday gatherings, plus doctors visits for Charlotte and for myself. Her last visit to Children’s to see Urology brought wonderful news: great looking kidneys and no in/out caths. Out urologist informed us that they do not consider Charlotte’s past UTIs as true infections. He let us know that because of her conditions she would always test positive for bacteria, but unless she has a fever don’t worry. YEAH!!! This meant that I did not allow my baby to go around with an infection. Lots of guilt was lifted off my shoulders at that visit.

Next, Charlotte had a 15month check up. All went well, though my pediatrician was surprised by her weight (18lb), saying she looked at least 20lb. Gotta love those chipmunk cheeks!!! I also had a doctor’s appointment to check on Peanut. I was able to hear the heart beat which I love, and my doctor let me know they would schedule me for a diagnostic ultrasound at UAB. This is due to the fact that I am at a higher risk to have a child with SB, although the odds are still relatively low. I won’t lie; as Christmas nears, my anxiety level about this ultrasound increases. I would take a thousand Charlottes. She is more than I could ever want or deserve. However, I still want a healthy baby, because it is so hard to watch a child suffer. I know that God is in control of this situation and there is nothing more I can do, but worry still creeps into my heart. I am praying for peace in any and all circumstances and the strength to reign in my thoughts.

Charlotte also has an appointment with her Ophthalmologist in a few weeks to see about eye surgery. I am praying for strength through this trial as well. But on a brighter note: Charlotte now has her braces! We are practicing standing everyday for at least an hour. Wow, it wears us both out. I now know that physical therapists have to be in good shape. I’m having a hard time, and my girl is tiny. It will probably still be awhile before she walks, but starting the steps towards it is quite exciting.

And for even MORE exciting news…

We headed down to Auburn this past weekend to celebrate Nadia’s, my brother's girlfriend, graduation. It was a ton of fun hanging out and gathering for the fun occasion. Sunday, after a delicious meal filled with family and friends we went outside to take pictures. I was trying to keep bundled up, when all of the sudden Will was down on one knee. Nadia, with tears in her eyes, replied with a resounding YES. She seems like family already, but we are all thrilled to see them take this wonderful step. In a way it’s hard to believe that my big brother, ever the bachelor, is tying the knot. But I’m thrilled. Marriage is so much better than dating. You get to live and travel life with your best friend. Will is not only hilarious and smart but one of the most thoughtful people I know, and I think those qualities will be cherished by Nadia in their marriage. Nadia is also smart (I’m the one in the family lacking brains) funny, genuine, so helpful, and best of all she likes my brother. I can’t wait for the big day. I’m just hoping that it is more than a day or two after June 3 :)

I hope you all are enjoying the season with friends and family. This Christmas I am often thinking of Mary and her journey. I carry my own babe and the love I have for this child is beyond words. What a wonder it must have been for her to know that in her womb was the Savior; that the babe she would nurse would change the world. And how hard it must have been to hear the words of those who did not believe her situation. How hard it must have been to travel and give birth in a strange place without the comfort of a mother or aunt to help her. Yet, she quietly and humbly obeyed. I continue to pray for Mary’s quiet heart when my mind rattles with all that surrounds me and my spirit grows weary.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

"Nothing last forever even the cold November rain"

2011-11-19T13:22:00.011-06:00

I worked out for the first time since I found out I was expecting. Yes, I know, that's pretty pathetic. It is just so hard to work out when you are tired and nauseous, but I've decided I have been a bum long enough. Tomorrow I'll be 12 weeks and I am determined to continue exercising through out this pregnancy, morning sickness or not!

The other reason I haven't been exercising is because of travel. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. We are greatly looking forward to the quieter half of November. Then December comes and brings with it a bit of chaos, but also lots of holiday cheer :)

We did have a lovely time on our extended visit to Covington. It was bliss to have my parents help with Charlotte in the morning and to be "looked after." It was nice to spend days playing with Charlotte instead of worrying about my typically long to-do list. The days were crisp and full of fall color.

We spent a fair amount of time outdoors enjoying the leaves and chill of November.

Charlotte enjoys being outside, and I have to admit I am not quite ready for the days when going outside means a frozen face. So, we will try to soak up the nice days while they last.

While we were in my hometown we celebrated Meghan's baby shower. I had a blast decorating my mom's house and arranging flowers. We decided on the colors pink and orange and threw in Jellybean accents because Meghan called the baby Jellybean before she found out she was having a girl.

I made cake pops again and even gave Charlotte a taste; she loved them!

The house was full of women enjoying the celebration of a new life that Meghan and Tom will soon be holding.

I had to sneak up stairs and put Charlotte to bed before Meghan opened all her presents, but I did get to see quite a few lovely things that had been specially picked out for Josey.

I am hoping Meghan had a good time. I definitely did. It was wonderful to celebrate Josey and the joy she will bring as well as catch up with old friends.

Saturday we celebrated my niece Lia's 1st Birthday. I took tons of pictures, but I'm going to let my brother Henry use them for his own post. I will say that it was a blast. The food was awesome, and by awesome I mean when Charlotte finished the cupcake I gave her she started SCREAMING for more. Lia was the perfect party girl. She looked adorable, was happy to see all her guests, greatly enjoyed her cupcake, and was thrilled by her presents. I can't believe she is already one. I can't believe she and Charlotte no longer look like babies. I can't believe I'm expecting number 2!

After a wonderful visit in Covington, my mom and I headed to Childrens' again for Charlotte to have a CT scan. I had been nervous about the possibility of another shunt malfunction, but her ventricle sizes had come down. It was a bit scary to see change. They showed us what her brain looked like after a normal CT and the CT before surgery. The swelling was huge. They even warned us that her ventricles may never go down to the size they were. I am just continuing to pray that if she has another malfunction, the signs will be obvious.

In all other ways Charlotte seems to be thriving. She is army crawling rapidly these days, has mastered transitioning from laying to sitting, and tries to get up on her knees. She has tried to pull up to reach toys. This week she was fitted for braces, and I can't wait to see the improvements she will make with them. Once again, thank you for all the prayers and support!!

Oh, and if I don't manage a post before Thursday (which is likely) Have A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING!!!

Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name."

2011-11-08T22:00:00.005-06:00

“I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;” (Philippians 1: 3-6)

How do I begin to thank you, my friends and family and even those of you I don’t personally know, for your prayers, kind words, and support? You cannot begin to imagine the impact they have made. I am so humbled, often thinking how undeserving I am of your kindness; yet grateful that you love our family enough that you would call upon the Father to aid us. I continue to be awed by the Body of Christ. I have been prayed for my entire life but I think I took those prayers for granted too often until Charlotte’s diagnosis. You have prayed with me as I prayed; you have prayed for our family when I had no prayers left. And I am daily thanking God for placing you all in my life. Know that your words and support were needed, were genuinely felt, were a balm to weary hearts, and will not be forgotten.

Tuesday, we got up in the wee hours of the morning to make it to the hospital by 5:30am. I had been dreading waking up Charlotte and not being able to feed her. I had a friend specifically praying for this trial. The prayers were heard and God came through in a big way. Charlotte did wonderfully. I did have a secret weapon to help ensure her happiness: my mom. She fussed a little but once I had her changed and in my mother’s arms she really didn’t fuss. We arrived at the hospital, signed in, and then had a long wait ahead of us. Charlotte was doing fine and I was doing ok running off sheer adrenaline. At around 7am we were called back to do some tests and then it was on to a preOP waiting room. Several different teams came in and checked on Charlotte, asking us questions and reviewing her chart. She napped on me some which were precious moments that I savored.

A nurse for Anesthesiology came in and told us to follow her. We walked down hospital hall ways and I thought we were headed to another room. But there in a hallway she kindly said this is as far as we could go. I had to hand Charlotte over as she clung to stay with me and turn on my daughter and walk away. It was a moment I will never forget and do not wish on anyone. I really don’t think it matters if your child is having their tonsils taken out or brain surgery, walking away is almost impossible. It goes against our instinct as mothers. We are placing them in “harms” way, for their betterment but still where pain lies ahead. And we are putting our trust in strangers, people who don’t know our children, people who cannot possibly know how wonderful or how much joy our babies have brought to our lives. It is for their betterment, so against instinct, against the nature that God placed in us to protect our young at all cost, we hand them over. It is a moment that will haunt me.

At Children’s they give you beeper devices much like those at restaurants, that light up and vibrate when there is news on you child’s surgery. We took our beeper and headed over to a waiting area with my mom and my in-laws. And we began the wait. I couldn’t small talk and I could barely contain my tears, so I put on headphones and tried to find comfort in music. But there really is no comfort in moments like those; as my husband said, you just survive. We survived till the first page which told us they were beginning to operate. We survived till Dr. Wellons came and told us the surgery had been successful. I was relived but mainly still in survival mode till they call us back to see Charlotte.

Charlotte immediately began to cry in raspy tones when she saw me and I cried as well. Cried because she looked too small for her hospital bed and she seemed so frail. Cried because she was ok and I could finally hold her. I held her and she fell in and out of sleep in my arms. We went to a room and Charlotte continued to do well the rest of the afternoon. She napped off and on, played with puzzles, and ate hardly. The doctors informed us that normally recovery is very fast and in a day or two she should be back to normal. There were tests and different nurses in and out and the night was much the same. She continued to do well though she screamed during the finger prick to draw blood, and the sight of the slow processes made me nauseous. I am thin skinned when it comes to seeing my child in pain.

The morning progressed much the same with only one incident of Charlotte throwing up on the two of us after being given disgusting Advil. But she recovered quickly. Late morning Neurology came by and gave us the go ahead to be discharged as well as how to care for the incision.

We headed home Wednesday, and have been trying to lay low ever since. I did have a Peanut check up in Huntsville which was Charlotte’s first trip out. Neurology recommend that we try to limit her exposure as much as possible to lessen the risk of infection.

Charlotte has jumped back just as they said she would.

She is sorting, exploring and continues to be my little observer.

Charlotte continues to be curious of Lilly, but shies away from her stinky licks 

I’ve tried to get her in the fresh air as much as possible after being cooped up in the hospital.

She loves being outside.

Charlotte seems to be doing well, though I worry at any sign of fatigue or fussiness. We were all under the mistaken notion that they had caught the malfunction early, and that this was the reason she was un-symptomatic. However, this was not the case. Charlotte was at the point were most children are displaying signs like vomiting and lethargy. We go back this Monday for another CT scan and I am praying that all looks well. I am also praying that if she has another malfunction there will be obvious signs. It scares me to think that her spinal fluid could be swelling up in her brain without me having a clue. I am trying to trust in the Great Physician who has so lovingly cared for my daughter thus far. His plans “are to prosper (her) and not to harm (her).”

In the meantime I’m going to enjoy my time in Covington. Charlotte and I headed down today. I have a baby shower for a life long friend of mine, Meghan. I love baby showers…all the cute clothes, and it will be wonderful to see my friends and best of all, to celebrate this new life. I am also thrilled to be celebrating my niece Lia’s 1st Birthday. I can’t believe how quickly the time passes. It seems like not to long ago Dana and I were both soothing little babies on Thanksgiving and now these girls are entering toddlerhood. Time passes much too quickly with children.

"You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do, and it's breaking my heart in two, cause I never wanna see you sad girl"

2011-10-29T15:24:00.001-05:00

We attended SB clinic this past Wednesday in Birmingham. First, Charlotte had to get a few X-rays, and then we met with her orthopedic doctor. As I have stated before, we were very nervous about her right hip dysplasia and the possibility of surgery. She has been army crawling everywhere and even trying to stand, but her hips still pop. The doctor was pleased with her progress and then showed us how her right hip had improved vastly. It is still not perfect but there is more curve to the hip bone and the ball and socket are more closely held by muscle. My mom and I were both tearing up at the news, and Ben was thrilled as well. The doctor also decided it was time for AFOs (ankle foot orthopedics) to help Charlotte stand without collapsing forward.

We were all ready to celebrate the great “no surgery” news but still had the bigger clinic to head to. We registered downstairs, Charlotte had a CT scan, and then we began the wait. Clinic is a long day when things are running smoothly, however our neurosurgeon was in the OR for an emergency surgery, so it was a very long wait. About an hour or so into the wait, Nadine, our neurosurgeon’s nurse came out and said she wanted to see how Charlotte was doing. She is wonderful and I didn’t think anything about it. She asked me questions about how Charlotte was doing and then gave me the bad news that the CT scan showed enlarged ventricles in her brain. We were all shocked, because Charlotte has showed no signs of shunt malfunction. In fact, she has been doing excellent lately; moving around more vigorously and continuing to have an enormous appetite. Nadine warned us that we could have a long wait ahead but she would try to get us in to see Dr. Wellons as soon as possible.

I think Ben and my Mom were hoping they might wait and see how Charlotte did. I’m not typically a pessimist, but with things like this I assume the worst. I tried to hold myself together as we sat waiting and the hours slowly ticked by. We saw Dr. Wellons around 4pm and he informed us Charlotte would need surgery on Tuesday; unless she started displaying severe signs of malfunction. The shunt is three parts, and he informed us that the part that is malfunctioning 85% of the time is the piece in the brain due to tendrils wrapping around it. They will check all parts, but most likely will need to replace this. We discussed all we needed to do, signed papers, and nailed down times. Then, as an after thought, we mentioned that her urine had smelled strongly for the past few weeks.

I had called my pediatrician awhile back about it because I was a little worried; though she had no fever or fussiness. He said to call him if she developed a fever, which she never did. We all assumed it was from the massive amount of veggies she eats. However, Dr. Wellons said they would test her urine because they do not want any other infections untreated when they operate. I began to kick myself, thinking I should have had her tested long ago. Our urologist’s nurse came in to take a urine sample. She told me it looked very clear and that I hadn’t missed anything, so I relaxed a bit.

Nadine then took us to meet with anesthesia who gave us paper work. Then it was onto draw blood. That went terribly. The nurse was fast but Charlotte was out of energy and screamed the whole time. Last was an X-ray of the shunt. During all the x-rays and scans I could not be with her because I am pregnant. It was hard, but standing outside the room during that last one nearly broke me. She screamed and screamed, and I couldn’t even tell her it would be alright. Finally, all exhausted we headed back to my grandparents.

Yesterday, while I was in Wal-Mart, Nadine called to tell me that Charlotte does indeed have a UTI and would need to start antibiotics immediately. The nurse was wrong. I had missed something. I had missed something major and allowed my daughter to have a UTI for weeks. I broke down in Wal-Mart, hating myself and my carelessness. I am Charlotte’s advocate. It is my job to make sure she gets the care she needs even if it means being the pestering parent who calls the Doctor about everything. I had failed.

The UTI also means that Charlotte is most likely retaining urine and will need to start in and out catheterization. We knew this was a possibility, but now it is one more thing to face, one more health issue that needs to be resolved.

There are parents dealing with much tougher situations at clinic. My heart hurts for them and all that their own children have to endure. Yet, it doesn’t make what I am going through with my own daughter any less painful. When it is your own child there are no comparisons; they are yours and you hurt for them. And maybe people would think that those initial surgeries were harder, because she was so incredibly young and fragile. But I’m finding that to be false. It almost seems harder now because I know her more. I know her better than anyone. And she knows me and expects things from me. I can’t explain to her why, when I wake her at 4:30 am Tuesday morning, I am not feeding her. I know it will be miserable because Charlotte will be tired, confused, and hungry, wondering why she can’t be fed.

This surgery is basically inevitable with SB, but you still hope and pray that your child is the rare one who makes it to 25 before needing surgery. And for reasons unknown to me, the likelihood of failure after the new shunt is placed is very high. Most often, it takes several surgeries to get a working shunt. I am praying this is not the case for Charlotte but I am afraid none the less. Dr. Wellons has been a wonderful surgeon and he does this often. But brain surgery on my child will NEVER seem routine.

I am very grateful that Charlotte does not have to have hip surgery and I am also grateful they found this malfunction before it was causing severe signs. However, I sometimes want to tell God “enough. We have enough on our plate right now. Do something to me instead of my daughter. Are you punishing her for my mistakes, or my lack of faith? Please quit using her as my trial.” I wish I could say I’m at peace with all this. That I’m counting it all joy. Maybe joy comes later. Maybe you just have to endure for awhile and then when you think you can no longer endure God in His grace places joy in your heart. For now, I’m just praying that God would help me get through this and for the miracle that the shunt surgery would go smoothly and work wonderfully.

"God made me for a reason and nothin' is in vain. Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain."

2011-10-25T10:51:00.006-05:00

"Oh sweet Jesus if you're listening, keep me ever close to you
As I'm stumblin', tumblin', wonderin', as I'm travelin' thru"

We got back Sunday from a trip to the beach with my family and it was great. We headed down to St. George Island Monday, stopping in Auburn for a night to break up the trip. The only thing that would have brightened the vacation is if my brother Will and his girlfriend Nadia could have joined us. But we had a fairly full house with my parents, my brother Henry, my sister-in-law Dana, my niece Lia, and my grandparents Grammie and PawPaw.

And if you are wondering, Peanut did continue to make me feel fairly nauseous but the distraction and help of family was a welcome break. It was kind of sad being at the beach and not being able to stomach sea food. However, I did discover that I love white toast with peanut butter.

I brought my camera, thinking I would take beautiful beach portraits and zillions of pictures of Charlotte playing in the sand. My photography skills are in serious decline because Wednesday was the only day I managed to snap any shots. It was due to the chilly weather we had, my own fatigue, and a baby who had a serious aversion to the sand. Charlotte loved the shells, the waves, the birds, but took up a strong dislike to the sand. We sat her in it, granted it was cold and windy, and she immediately started to cry.

She did enjoy strolls on the beach and observing the wonder that the ocean can display.

We fed the seagulls and Charlotte seemed to get a kick out of watching all the birds swooped down and fight for pieces of bread. Lia however, was not a fan and I can't blame her. It was almost disconcerting how close they came.

Henry's favorite part was running them off!

It was so nice to bring the girls on their first beach trip while being able to enjoy the company of family.

I am hoping this will be the first of many joint trips to the beach and that Lia's love of the sand will rub off on Charlotte.

I would love it if my parents continue to join us as well because Charlotte is always happy in their presence.

I think about my own grandparents and how much I enjoyed them as a child and continue to now. There is a special bond there and it is wonderful to see my own daughter develop this bond.

There is so much love to be had and it is such a blessing knowing that peanut will be surrounded by it as well.

It is always a joy to see my daughter interact with loved ones and I love being around my family. Those were definitely highlights of the trip. Yet, my favorite moment might have been playing in the ocean with my brother. When Henry and I go to the beach we forget that we are grown ups and revert back to our 10 year old selves. We belly surfed on big waves. We sputtered as gallons of salt water went up our noises. We found sand dollars and let them tickle our hands as they tried to escape. We hummed the soundtrack to Chariots of Fire as we tried to run through waist deep water. We froze when we finally got out and laughed as we tried to get under the warm spray from the hose to rinse sand from our feet. We had a blast and though I have no pictures of our craziness it will be a cherished memory.

The beach was wonderful and family was a huge help when I was feeling nauseous and tired. I look forward to the next trip when our family picture will contain four instead of three faces.

We head to Birmingham tonight because Charlotte's SB clinic is Wednesday. Thursday she meets with the ophthalmologist to discuss possible eye surgery. I am trying not to be anxious, knowing that it does no good. But it is tough. The possibility of eye surgery and the more major hip surgery looms in our future. I know that God is sovereign over all things and there would never be a time when I would want my daughter to undergo surgery. Yet, she still seems so young; too young to understand it is necessary; too young to understand it is needed for her health. I would ask that you pray for wisdom from her doctors and courage and peace for me; that I would be able to say "it is well" no matter the outcome.

I'll leave you on a happy note.

Charlotte's first tiny French braid :)

"But it takes two when it use to take one, it takes two when it use to take only one."

2011-10-14T16:05:00.002-05:00

This picture for me is worth a thousand words.

That's right! Charlotte is going to be a big sister, a little big sister :) The Brattons will now be a family of FOUR!!! We are so excited. I will be 7 weeks Sunday making my due date June 3, 2012.

I'm overjoyed, nervous, excited, anxious, giddy, blessed and NAUSEOUS!!!

In fact I'm not feeling so hot at the moment so I will try to write more soon.

In the meantime we covet your prayers for this new little miracle. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for Peanut!!!

"I've got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside I've got the month of May."

2011-10-09T16:52:00.010-05:00

Ok, so my blogging attempt have been slim lately!! I'm going to keep the writing down to a minimum and let pictures speak for themselves.

I wrote last time about Charlotte being a bit of a mess and my own prayers for peace and patience. God has been answering in a big way. She is sleeping better at night which makes ALL the difference in the world. She still whines, but I'm trying not to let it get to me, after all she is still young and has no language with which to use. Thanks to all the kind comments on this subject, they were all extremely helpful. Those are all major praises, but the one I am most grateful for is God changing my perspective. He has been allowing me to see the glass half full and to see how blessed I truly am. Instead of getting angry that Charlotte refuses to nap, I've been lying down with her in the afternoon, which is a much needed respite for both of us. Instead of being frustrated by things I want to get done, I've tried to incorporate Charlotte into my daily tasks. Now as I fold laundry, we play a game of swinging the dryer door back and forth to each other. And as I make the bed I play a hide and seek game, crawling around and popping up on one side of the bed to surprise her. She laughs so hard every time. As I write my blog I let her sit on my lap and pull my hair :) Perspective can make all the difference and God has been working on mine. He is showing me the joy in everyday task and to savor the moments because they pass all too quickly.

A few pictures of Charlotte at play:

New hair style:

And the maxi skirt I made:

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Loooong overdue pictures of the SB Walk-N-Roll.

Team Charlotte:

Next year we are getting fun t-shirts made.

Mom and Will had a great time boogieing with Charlotte before the walk began.

Lions, and tigers, and bears OH MY!

The walkers:

Charlotte enjoyed pulling off her name tag as well as showing her wild side.

I am so grateful to my family and friends for joining the walk and making donations. Your support has been a constant rock for me.

That you love and support me is great. That you pray for and support my daughter is the best kind of love.

"I bless the rains down in Africa/ Gonna take some time to do the things we never had"

2011-09-28T10:44:00.004-05:00

These blogs, I just can’t seem to write them. I will say Charlotte is vastly improving in the area of separation anxiety. However, the nights are much worse. If I can get her to sleep till 4am I feel I’ve made improvement. It makes for one tired momma but I know I’ll look back and think it was such a short time so I’m trying to savor even the time I have with her in the wee hours of the morning.

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Friday, we headed to Auburn for a night and had a lovely dinner with my parents, brother will, and Will’s girlfriend Nadia was our lovely server. After dinner we headed back to the apartment, put Charlotte to bed, and all stayed up laughing till we cried watching YouTube videos of talking animals done by BBC. This sort of thing is typical for my family and I love it. I don’t know if it’s normal but I don’t care. We all love to laugh and laugh we did. That night I lay in bed thinking that I hope one day my own children and I have this kind of relationship. That I am not just a parent but a best friend. I know being a parent comes first and it all always did for my own mom and dad but somewhere along the way the respect and love of a parent bloomed into admiration of a friend. I pray someday Charlotte and I will share this kind of bond.

Saturday morning, my parents, Will, Nadia, Charlotte, and I all headed to Montgomery for Alabama’s first Annual Walk-n-Roll for Spina Bifida. It was my first social SB event and I hope it is the beginning of many more. The turnout was great and the walk was a ton of fun. THANKS SO MUCH to all those who helped make it happen. I can’t wait till next year. We have already decided to do our own T-shirts and I think Charlotte will enjoy it even more. She was a bit sleepy this time but next year she will really dig the face painting and all the fun animals. After the walk we headed to an amazing children’s store called the NameDropper to get shower and birthday gifts. They had smocked dress galore and it took all my will power not to buy them! Don’t worry Ben, I refrained.

After our day in Montgomery we were going to drop off Will and Nadia back in Auburn and I was continuing to Covington for the week with my parents. The adventure wasn’t over because we ran out of gas! I will not name the guilty party who forgot to fill up but it was pretty hilarious…and hot. We called Ben to bring us gas from Auburn and an 1hr later hot, and sticky, we were on our way.

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Monday we had a girl’s day and Dana, Lia, my mom, Charlotte and I all headed to Madison to shop around. It was fun but a bit exhausting. Charlotte and Lia are both very jealous of my mom and Charlotte threw a huge tantrum in one store because my mom was holding Lia. Little booger finally got over when we swapped and I held Lia!

It has been wonderful being in Covington thought I miss Ben like crazy! I’m not good at being apart from my husband for longer than a work day. I don’t see how the army wives do it. Fortunately, we will reunite Thursday in Birmingham for a weekend to celebrate my cousin Katey’s wedding. I will try to post lots of pictures after I get back home.

"Hey me. Hey Moma. Where you been? Where you been for so long?"

2011-09-17T11:53:00.004-05:00

I'd like to say that birthday bliss has continued, and Charlotte and I spend are days in happy contentment. Unfortunately, I am losing my cool all too often and am reaching for either a caffeinated drink or Advil much of the day. Charlotte has gotten more temperamental as she has grown, but things took a turn for the worse the day after her birthday. At first I thought it might be teeth, but now after many days of tantrums I think it is a combination of sleepiness (because she is unwilling to nap), separation anxiety, and man's sinful nature.

The separation anxiety has me desperate for a break. I am with her all day everyday and hold her a good bit of the time. Trust me, I’m a huge fan of baby wearing. However, there are moments when baby wearing isn't working: changing clothes, putting on some makeup, showering, using the restroom; you get the idea. Yet, Charlotte screams bloody murder when I put her down for even a moment.

And the whining!!! I have even less tolerance for it than crying. I believe I get that from my dad. He wasn't a fan and neither am I. I have heard to tell children, "I can't understand you when you whine, you must speak normally," which I think is a great idea, but Charlotte is still too young for this trick. I'd LOVE any suggestions. I am trying to just say "no" calmly and ignore it. But I find myself angry and not staying calm. I am praying for a peaceful demeanor in the midst of endlessly long days.

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Yesterday, things were better; probably because I just played and held her most of the day. And the moments when she was content on her own I sewed a maxi skirt for myself. And I actually like it! I’ll try to post pictures latter this week.

The house shows signs of my neglectful day and is begging for a good cleaning. I’m going to try and get a walk in with Charlotte and then let her watch football with her daddy, so I can clean up a bit. I have avoided mopping for too long!

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We have had a break from traveling these past few weeks but things are quickly going to pick up. I take one look at my October calendar and get a bit overwhelmed! Yet, there are some fun events on the horizon. Next Saturday is the Walk-n-Roll for SB held at the Montgomery Zoo. It will be my first SB event, and I am so excited to meet other parents and walk in support of the amazing individuals who are affected by SB. I’ll try and take LOTS of pictures!

My pictures are skimpy lately, partially because I really don’t want to take picture of a fussy baby and partially because my brain is too fried to pick up the camera. Did I mention Charlotte has been waking between 4:15 and 5am for the past week and a half? I will try to do better on the next blog but for now I will leave you with some I took while Charlotte was in a better mood. She is starting to whine so I best attend to her highness :)

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and: WAR EAGLE, GO NOLES!!!!!!!!!!!!

"As I went down to the River to pray, Studying about that good ol' way, And who shall wear the starry crown? Good Lord show me the way"

2011-09-07T14:02:00.011-05:00

I hope everyone had as wonderful a Labor Day weekend as I did. We headed to Blackberry Farms with Ben's family, and it was a MUCH needed break.

We arrived Friday evening and had room service, which was amazing! I had a scrumptious fish entree which had me wishing I could take a cooking class from their chef.

The morning came, and I decided to go exploring with Charlotte.

The scenery was breathtaking.

It's so nice to spend time with Charlotte without worrying about all that needs to be done; to just enjoy being.

Saturday night we had dinner at one of the main buildings. It was delicious. However, Charlotte was high maintenance and finally broke down before my main course came. It was the first time I had to carry her out of a restaurant screaming and the walk felt endless. To her credit, it was late and had been a very busy day.

Sunday, the weather cooled down. We had an amazing brunch and then decided to go exploring on the golf cart with Mike and Mary.

It is a memory I will cherish forever.

This is why I take pictures, to help remember moments that are fleeting but so very special.

Charlotte loved the adventure.

Charlotte definitely dug the golf cart; wind in the hair and best of all, no car seat, just Nana's lap.

We laughed a lot.

We drove that golf cart into the ground...literally, it died and we had to call for a ride. It was a wonderful afternoon.

That night the laughter and wonderful memories continued with a divine dinner at the Barn. We were all dressed up and chatting away. Every meal we played the game of move all dishes and silverware away from Charlotte's reach. My watermelon and beet gazpacho arrived, and I reached for a utensils that I had pushed away from Charlotte's grasping hands. In a split second she pulled that soup bowl down onto both of us and our outfits quickly took on the color of red beets. The waiter came by just as it was happening and uttered, "OH!" And then the laughter started. We were all cracking up and as soon as one person stopped someone else would start up. My belly literally hurt that night from all the laughter.

I am sure one day we will fondly tell Charlotte the story of how she spilled beet juice all over the two of us and became infamous at Blackberry Farms.

I will also fondly tell her how her Nana doted on her and how she was most content in Nana's arms.

"Happy Birthday to YOU! Happy Birthday to YOU! Happy Birthday dear Charlotte! Happy Birthday to YOU!"

2011-08-30T10:13:00.003-05:00

Today is Charlotte's actual birthday. I know, a whole year has passed! How did it happen so quickly???

We celebrated this past Saturday so that friends and family could attend. I won't lie; I have been crafting for this party for weeks...maybe months. I know that Charlotte will not remember this party. However, one of the reasons I decorated the house was because I enjoy it. Her party was excuse to get out the glitter, glue gun, and go to town. The party was also a way to visit with so many people who have prayed for Charlotte and our journey as a family. I have never felt more love or support than when Charlotte was diagnosed. The community that surrounds us is one I am eternally grateful for and it was wonderful to celebrate with so many of them.

But my main reason was to celebrate not only the birth of our daughter, but also the way the God has blessed us. Through God's grace Charlotte has beaten the odds. Over 85% of children with a shunt due to SB have a malfunction in the first year of life. This does not mean that Charlotte won't have a malfunction. It could happen at anytime. And she is going to the doctor in October to schedule eye surgery. There is also the possibility of hip surgery. But those are the future and we are celebrating what God has done right now. I can't think of a better reason to eat cake and have friends over than no brain surgery!
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I will warn you I took zillions of pictures and had a hard time editing :)

The decorations:

It was a butterfly themed affair.

The banner took forever to make and I probably should have used a stencil for the letters.

I had to make Charlotte and her doll matching party hats!

I did a lot of decorating with streamers due to there low cost.

Throughout the house I scattered the verse that that has meant so much to me since Charlotte's diagnosis: Psalm 134.

My most time consuming project by far where Charlotte's initials. I have decided we will put them up every birthday.

This was a take home gift for each of the Grandparents.

Can you tell I love the color pink?!

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The flowers.

I bought a few filler flowers from Wal-Mart and the rest came from my garden.

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The sweet treats.

I baked and I baked and I baked. But it was fun...most of the time.

I don't think I'll be making cake pops from scratch again. Next time boxed cake and canned icing will have to do. That, or else Ben says he's staying away the day I make them!

The cake table.

And the cake.

I have a few recommendations. Make an icing that you have tried before. Martha really messed me up this time. The icing tasted good but did not set up right, hence the sloppy look of the cake. And those butterflies! They were fun to make but I think I broke half of them trying to put them on the cake.

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The people.

We had grandparents, great grandparents, and aunts and uncles. It was so fun visiting with everyone.

We were grateful that everyone had driven so far and interrupted their schedules to celebrate with us.

And my mom!! I couldn't have done it without her. She came Thursday and was a huge help as always.

Charlotte with her doll.

Charlotte's friends.

Charlotte enjoyed her cake.

But I think she also loved her audience. All the kids came up to watch and would help put her hat back on when it started to fall down.

The party came to a close without any major melt downs though Charlotte was exhausted and went to bed early. I doubt I'll go to this much trouble for any other birthdays but it was a lot of fun and we had MUCH reason to celebrate!

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I have written this while Charlotte is napping because my plan for every moment she is awake is to just enjoy being with her. I'm going to try not to cry, though I have shed some tears already about this big day. I'm going to feed her squash and cheese, because it's her favorite. I'm going to leave piles of laundry on the floor so we can play with puzzles. I'm going to take her for a walk around the garden cause she loves being outside. I'm going to be patient when she fusses, because sometimes I'm not. I'm going to pick her whenever she reaches for me, because I know one day she won't. I'm going to skip reading blogs and read to her instead. I'm going to cheer, encourage, and thank God as she rolls around, tries to crawl, and begins to master sitting up, because she has come such a long way!

"To measure the meaning can make you delay. It's time you stopped thinking and wasting the day."

2011-08-24T15:41:00.010-05:00

As I said in my first post about Ahmic, I wanted Charlotte to feel all the magic that the lush green land and cool waters had given me every summer, but in my selfishness I also wanted the magic for myself. I worried that having a child on Ahmic would take away from my own peace on the lake. Would Needle Point be nothing but diaper changes and sleepless nights?

There were certainly moments where I longed for a break. Charlotte cut a front tooth while we were there, so sleep was minimal most of the time. There were numerous diaper changes, and bath time was a bit of a struggle with me getting pooped on more than once.

But if anything, the Magic of Ahmic was even more present this year than it ever has been in my entire life.

Mornings were welcoming with hot coffee and the sound of cooing baby girls. I loved coming downstairs every morning to see the faces of Henry or Dana. We would smile, knowing that if it was up to us we’d still be in bed.

We watched the girls as they explored their new temporary home and laughed at their discoveries.

“Ring around the rosy, pockets full of posies.

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down!”

Sometimes the mornings were spent working on meals or taking long walks into town. And then it was meal time again. Did I mention I gained the Ahmic 10 pounds? It happens to me every year. I’m much more active on Ahmic; but the food!!! We have big lunches with desserts, afternoon snacks, crackers and cheese at cocktail hour, delicious dinners always served with dessert, and a plethora of delectable ice creams that I couldn't pass up.

Charlotte even enjoyed the food; not eating it though. We gave her peas that we had shelled, and she went bananas over them. Her hands literally shook with excitement.

And the scenery was just as beautiful as ever this year.

We arrived in warmer weather and the week cooled as the days passed and wind swept in.

Ben spent many afternoons kayaking in search for the best fishing spot.

Charlotte wanted to go too.

Some days the wind picked up and sailing was in order.

I wandered around the grounds of Needle Point showing Charlotte all my favorite spaces and letting her explore them.

She was enticed by the wooded ground and lush mosses. Charlotte is such an observant thing, and being with her always makes me look at the world anew.

I watch her look up at the trees towering above her, and I remember the majesty that surrounds me which I so often overlook.

Though I loved every moment of Charlotte’s exploration, I longed for a break. My parents were always gracious enough to allow me time on my own. Sometimes, I spent my moments of solace reading in the hammock, but I always managed a swim to the island. The island that I speak of is a small unoccupied piece of land about two football fields from Needle Point's dock, and it is a tradition to make the swim. I loved trying to get up the courage to dive into the icy water and then swimming hard to warm up. Usually, there was a group making the trek and we all tried to keep up with my Dad, even though he gave us a vast head start.

We all pitched in for dinner, many times eating rather late when we couldn’t get an oven to work or the grill was acting up. But this is par for the course on Ahmic, and all though there were moments of frustration, there were also a lot of laughs and hard earned delicious meals.

After gorging on food and putting little girls to bed we stayed up talking and listening to the boys play guitar.

We even got out Monopoly. I dominated the first game; my real estate savvy is off the charts. Well, it was for the first game. The next game had me doling out my money and heading for a baby who woke unhappy.

The end of our visit came all too quickly, and I longed for more time, more boat rides and late night games, more chilly swims and hammock rests, more of this place that has enchanted me since childhood.

I had worried that Ahmic would be different. It was, but like so many things in life, the change only made my time on the lake more special. And though the land is lovely, the waters beautiful, the trees enchanting, and the smell nostalgic, I am beginning to see that the real beauty is the people who surround me.

Their friendship and affection gives me comfort.

Their laughter lightens my heart.

Their love for my daughter overwhelms me with gratitude.

Their genuine support through past and present trials has been my strength.

Ahmic will always have its own place in my heart, yet my family is what continues to make it magical.

"The chances, the changes are all yours to make. The mold of your life is in your hands to break."

2011-08-18T20:10:00.012-05:00

So very tired…Charlotte’s wakings started at midnight and continued on throughout the night. She is cutting some teeth, and I think that might be the cause of our problems. Needless to say, insomnia has me looking in the pantry for milk and putting flour in my coffee. Due to a severally handicapped writing ability, today's post will be mostly pictures that I hope speak for themselves.

The Girls on Ahmic

Ben, Charlotte, and I slept in the main cabin at Needle Point while Henry, Dana, and Lia took over the boat house. This was Ben’s first summer living at Needle Point, and I think it made him understand why I was so sad to leave when we moved to Manakiki, our other camp.

Needle Point is on a peninsula so you are surrounded by the beautiful waters of Ahmic. I don’t think my grandparents could have picked a lovelier spot. It’s also very flat and great for children to run around.

Charlotte and Lia both loved the swing, and we all spent much of our time there.

It was such fun to see their excitement as cool air wooshed by,

to hear bouts of giggles as they swung past ground carpeted in wild blueberries.

Children make you remember the pleasure of simple things.

Lia and Charlotte continue to observe and get to know one another. There were times when we had to run interference when hair was pulled or toys were not being shared...

or biting occurred :)

But by the end of our trip they were doing well, and I look on in excitement as to what their future play will be like. For now the playtime mainly consists of Charlotte sorting things and Lia crawling around and eating things.

Though I think both of them greatly enjoyed all the outdoor time:

And sampling the various flavours of dirt:

And let's not forget hide and seek:

And those brief, sweet moments:

I continue to pray that they will be wonderful companions and that Ahmic will be a place where their friendship blossoms.

"The greatest adventure is what lies ahead. Today and tomorrow are yet to be said"

2011-08-15T22:20:00.006-05:00

Be forewarned; these coming posts will have MANY pictures. I debated just putting a few, but Ben told me to just go for it. …so I did…

We awoke in the wee hours of Thursday morning with the drizzle of rain and our eyes weary from lack of sleep. The crew included Ben, Charlotte, Dana, Henry, Lia, and me. As we packed suitcases into the car and buckled up babies, there was a combination of excitement and anxiety. By the end of the day we would be on Ahmic, yet we were all nervous as to how the girls would endure the journey.

We arrived at the Atlanta airport in plenty of time and soon boarded the plane to Buffalo, NY, where our journey would transition into a car ride.

The girls handled the airport and plane ride like old pros, only letting out a few fusses when food was needed or napping was in order.

Dana and I were thrilled at how well our girls had done, but our greatest fear was the car ride. The trip from Buffalo to Magnetawan takes around 5 hours without stops, and we estimated it might take us up to 7 hours travelling with the little girls. We jammed all of our luggage in the rental and prayed for a peaceful car ride. Miracle granted! They played happily for a good while and then slept until we arrived at Webers.

I don’t even know how to describe Webers, except to say it is the world’s greatest burger. Why? It might be the fact that they are actually grilled on charcoal, or because it is a pleasant place to stretch cramped legs, or maybe it’s because seeing the orange bridge means we are only an hour from Magentawan. Whatever the case may be, we always stop, no matter how early or late.

We indulged in cheeseburgers with all the toppings and licked our fingers as we ate seasoned fries. Lia even got to taste a milk shake.

It was therapeutic to sit in the sun and let the girls roll around and explore the grounds.

But time was a wastin’ and the lake was calling.

We rolled through the town of Magenetawan, saddened by the destruction of a recent fire but filled with joy that our girls were finally on Ahmic.

It is hard to put into words how I felt taking Charlotte out of the car and letting her get her first breath of Ahmic air.

It makes me cry thinking about it, and I did cry that day; so many emotions. It is a place that has held an abundance of my happy memories: being a child and building fairy house and swimming, being an adolescent and fishing and board games with the family, and growing up.

I think part of the magic is that the world rapidly changes around us at a pace that seems never to let us catch our breath, but Ahmic; Ahmic is steady. Its sameness is never boring, only comforting.

Ahmic is also a place of family.

There have been many days spent shelling peas with mothers and grandmothers, boat rides and tubing with cousins, cocktail parties with Aunts, Uncles, and friends, card games and late night talks with siblings. Even as children my brothers and I didn’t seem to fight as much on the lake, nor did my parents seem overbearing. There was too much beauty to enjoy.

And here I was with my first child. Life was changing rapidly but I had come to the comfort of Ahmic. I looked around at the cold waters and old boats parked at the government docks. A thousand memories flooded over me and a thousand wishes as well. I hoped that Ahmic would come to be a treasured place in Charlotte’s heart as well. I hoped it would provide her with comfort as it had me. I hoped she would build fairy houses and tube with cousins as I had. I hoped family ties would be strength for her on the lake. I hoped the beauty of chilly waters, white Birch trees, and moss covered ground would always remind her of the Creator and His majesty as it always has for me.

"I don't know nothing except change will come/ Year after year what we do is undone/ Time keeps on movin' from a crawl to a run"

2011-08-01T17:32:00.011-05:00

I just went back and read my old post about Ahmic and Needle Point. We leave for our annual trip to Ahmic Lake in Ontario, Canada in just a few days. I have to admit, I cried going back and reading those old memories. My writing is meager, but the words reminded me of days past. I am thrilled to bring my daughter to the magical world of Canada and show her the camp I grew up in. Yet, it is bittersweet. No longer does Granddaddy put up signal flags and share my sour patch kids, and Granny's Folly (her boat) looks out of place without Granny in it. Nor will her sweet strawberry jam grace the table at breakfast. They are in all my memories of Needle Point, and my heart hurts that they will not be in Charlotte's. I know we will make new, cherished memories. Still, my grandparents are so much the magic of Needle Point. I worry that the stars won't twinkle as bright and the lake will not seem as enchantingly green without them there.

I am excited though; over a week with all my family! Yes, there is a plane ride involved and then a five hour drive. But if we can make it through the journey, we will be greeted by white birch trees, chill your bones water, and a boat ride that makes you feel you have traveled back in time. There are no TVs, computers, and little cell phone service; hence little connection with the real world. I'm glad. I love my phone and my computer, but it is always refreshing to go to Ahmic and realize I can do without; to spend my time walking on moss covered ground and playing card games instead of checking Facebook. And the pictures! I'm sure I will take a million.

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I continue to craft away though it is mostly for Charlotte's birthday. I can't believe it will be here in ONE month!!! I have made a few more hair accessories

And another dress.

My dresses always look pretty wonky because I have yet to use a pattern. I just start sewing, but I am determined to make her a proper dress using a pattern some time soon.

I try to craft while she is doing this:

But often she is rolling around the floor beside me, and dare I say it, I've even sewn a few stitches while she was in my lap!

My crafting area shows signs of all the work and is littered with glitter/beads/fabric/string and who knows what else.

I'm trying to organize my fabrics, but it's a large task considering I've been hoarding fabrics since college. I get it from my mom. We have a bit of an obsession with silver, fabric, and china. They sing to us, and we fall under their spell.

This little guy has become my best friend...

And my worse enemy. You would not believe how many burns I have acquired on my hands. I wouldn't be surprised if I no longer have finger prints!

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We received fresh figs from some friends, and they were beyond delicious. I attempted my first batch of fig preserves which turned out decent, but I will definitely be tweaking it.

Charlotte enjoyed them as well.

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POP goes the weasel!

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Charlotte is off eye patching. This is the last one, and the picture makes me laugh every time I look at it.

Big Charlotte is watching!

I am happy to see both those blues looking at me all day, but heavy hearted as well. Her lack of patching means surgery is next. It will not be the most major surgery my little trooper has gone through by any means. Yet, a mother is torn to see her child in pain. I am trying my best to "count it all joy" and look to Christ for strength. But it is a difficult thing. Sometimes I want to say, “Enough, my plate is full.” And I always wish it was me instead. I am trying to trust Christ, to remember all He has done for me and that His plans may seem hard but they are "to prosper [our family] and not to harm [us], plans to give [us] hope and a future".

"In You I find my rest/ In You I find my death/ In You I find my all and my emptiness/ Somehow it all makes sense"

2011-07-24T15:49:00.010-05:00

My posts have been few and far between lately. Have I been cleaning and dusting fans like I should? NOPE. Have I taken up a regular exercise routine? HAHAHA. Have I been cooking delectable and nutritious meals? NADA. Have I been teaching Charlotte her ABC's? WRONG ANSWER. Have I been spending way too much time crafting and littering every surface with fabric bits and burning my fingers on a hot glue gun? DING DING DING CORRECT ANSWER.

Yep, that is where every spare moment has been spent. I started off doing some crafting for Charlotte's birthday party, and then my need for art took over. Yes, the room is an utter mess, but I have to say that it has been wonderful to feed my creative side; even if the products leave something to be desired. I've got pictures of a few of the projects and will try to post more this week. However, her b-day crafts I'm saving for a special post after the event. Thinking about it makes me go all misty eyed, where does the time go?

Outfits:

Can you tell I like bows?!

Hair Accessories:

And just for fun: Clapping

Charlotte is a clapping fiend these days. It's her response to just about everything. We keep on trying to teach her to wave bye-bye, but Sha-Sha prefers to clap instead. Charlotte also claps heartily before and during a meal. Can't blame her, there have been times when I've wanted to do the same; especially after brownies and ice cream.

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We have done more than craft these past two weeks. We had an absolutely wonderful visit from two of my lifelong best buds, Claire Park and Meghan Patton. It was another one of those days where we had such a good time that I completely forgot about the camera. With true friends, I love how you cannot see each other for ages, but when you reunite it is like no time has passed. I'm trying to talk them into moving from Atlanta to Scottsboro. I mean what does Atlanta have that Scottsboro doesn't? :) Claire and Meghan, if you are reading this: you have always made and continually make my life more full of joy by your friendship!

Visits continued with a quick trip to Birmingham to fellowship with grands, great-grands, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Then it was back to the Boro with Chicha, Aunt Dana, and cousin Lia in tow. I love that these girls are growing up together.

As always it was wonderful to have a day filled with girls!

Charlotte and I also had the pleasure of visiting with our newest friend, Abigail Barber. She is perfect in every way and I am DYING to take more pictures of this precious baby.

Her mother, Ann, amazes me with her wisdom, energy and peaceful demeanour. And she ROCKS as a friend!

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In other news: I can finally wrangle Charlotte's hair into tiny pigtails. She was more interested in the camera than her glamour shot.

Puppy time is also part of the daily schedule.

Often, when I look at Charlotte I think she looks so much like Mary, Ben's mother. Yet she is still a mini-me of her Daddy.

Patching continues as part of the daily routine.

I will be calling Charlotte's Opthomaligist tomorrow to tell him how I think she is progressing. Unfortunately, I don't think she is getting much better. There were a few days where I thought she might be improving; however, the last few days have changed my mind. I would love your continued prayers in this regard and for wisdom on the next course of action.

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I had planned on writing this blog earlier today; however, an overwhelming need for a nap kept me at bay. Does anyone else think that sheets feel especially good in the afternoon?? Maybe it's because a nap is a luxury where going to bed at night is routine. Naps are a luxury I don't frequently indulge in because: one, I have a very hard time falling asleep, and two, I normally have a list a mile long of other things I need or would rather do.

Yet today rest beckoned, and I conceded. As I lay under covers that felt mysteriously softer than at night, I thought of my growing up years. Sundays were always and continue to be a day of rest in my parent's home. We go to church, come home and eat a delicious meal around the dining room table, discuss the sermon along with politics, weekly events, and other subjects. But then words began to die out and everyone drifts to different sofas, beds, and recliners to find rest. Even when we were little kids, my parents enforced a rest time rule. We could play, but it had to be quietly in our rooms.

I lay in bed today not falling asleep but resting. I thought about God's call to rest on Sunday. Rest is highly undervalued in a society that places all it's stock in what one can accomplish. Thinking of God's call to rest reminded me that my to-do list is not the end all be all. I need to find time to rest, to restore my body, to renew my mind, and quietly listen to God's voice.

Charlotte quickly fell asleep in the crook of Ben's arm. I listened to her quiet murmurs harmonizing with Ben's deep breathing. I cuddle up to her and sunk into the smell of all things familiar. I touched her tiny hands, and my heart was full of love for these two people that lay sleeping beside me. I am blessed beyond measure.

I take many pictures, but they can not capture every moment of love and happiness. There are moments like our family nap today that are beyond the realm of a camera. I told myself to remember this. Esther, remember how small she is cuddled up to her father. Remember the smell of sheets, Ben's deodorant, and Charlotte's no tangle spray. Esther, remember her small hands lying on her daddy's chest. Remember the warmth coming from the sun drifting through the window and the tiny toes brushing your legs. Remember the soft nursing sounds she makes in her sleep and how tenderly Ben's arm is wrapped around her. Esther, remember the joy and peace of this moment. Savor it. When life gets chaotic and trials come, remember moments like this. Remember all that your Heavenly Father has given you and find peace.

"You know we've come along way/ we're changing day to day/ But tell me, where do the children play?"

2011-07-09T13:42:00.007-05:00

Charlotte slept until 7am yesterday morning. This was shocking since she usually starts to rouse around 5-5:30am, if not earlier. Did I enjoy some much needed rest? Nope. Instead I played the part of the neurotic mother, and it was Oscar worthy. When I awoke at 5:30am and didn’t hear a peep, for one brief moment I thought, “Oh good, I can sleep some more.” This quickly faded into anxiety about suffocation in blankets and other nightmarish ideas. I cranked the monitor WAY up and prayed for Charlotte to make some kind of noise in her sleep to let me know she was fine. God, answered and the fear of blocked air ways passed. Finally, I could sleep. Hahaha. I said I needed an Oscar for this role didn’t I?! My brain cranked into overtime as I wondered why on Earth Sha-Chi was still dozing. Excessive sleep is one sign of shunt malfunction, so many fears started looming in my heart. I got up, made coffee, and tried to tell myself she was fine. Consequently, I am pretty terrible at convincing myself of anything. She finally awoke around 7am, and I prayed she would be playful the rest of the day, that her eyes would look normal, that she wouldn’t be excessively fussy or tired, and that there would be no vomiting (all signs of shunt malfunction).

Charlotte is doing great, fears were all for naught. In fact, she is rolling around on the floor with her new favorite toy: a tape measure. I try to be cool, calm, and collected, yet anxiety can quickly take the place of peace and contentment. When I was worried about the shunt malfunctioning a few weeks ago, my father said, “So what if her shunt malfunctions?” And it made me think, what if it does? It’s almost inevitable. I know the signs and what I need to do. The doctors have proven themselves more than capable, and most importantly, God has proven himself trust worthy. Why do I not want to let go, to hand over her shunt, her wandering eyes, her unformed hip, her lack of muscle, all her issues to the one who created her and loves her more than I do?

I think it is a mother’s biggest struggle: with unclenched fists and an open heart, put her children in God’s hands. Sometimes, I wonder if I love Charlotte too much. Yet, I don’t think that is really the case. I think my problem is that I don’t know God well enough. It is something I’m working on; to know God well enough that all of me wants all of Charlotte under His control.

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This summer is flying by at ludicrous speed. We are trying to soak it all up, from the blistering hot days to days consumed by the darkness of a summer storm.

We’re having fun:

Playing in the nursery with Nana:

Swimming at the Smith’s wonderful pool:

"She wore an itzy bitzy, teeny-weeny, PINK polka-dot bikini..."

Thank you so much Jennifer! We hope to be back soon!!

We had guest 4th of July weekend. My father, brother Will, and his girlfriend Nadia came down for a night. Most of the time was spent catching up, laughing, and lounging. Charlotte adores her Papa and especially loves to take a nap in his lap.

Or just snuggle:

That night we headed over to my in-laws for a delicious 4th of July celebration.

Charlotte loved pulling out her patriotic bow that I found at Walmart for a buck. She also loved playing on her Pawpaw's lap.

There is something awesome about watching your children interact with their grandparents.

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Charlotte continues to handle the patches amazingly well. As promised I have more photos of their various designs. Hope they make you laugh as much as they do me!

Sunglasses and winking!!!

And my personal favorite: Studious Charlotte.

She is just trying to be like her Papa.

Plus, Charlotte needs her glasses for reading.

The patch designs keep me laughing and the mood light. Yet, I still love to see both those eyes looking up at me. Her eyes which make me realize the depth of my ability to love is beyond reason.

"Oh, girls, just wanna have fun"

2011-06-30T09:57:00.004-05:00

I had really BIG plans for this post. Monday, I had a fabulous girls day with my mother and a girls crew from Birmingham that included: Kathy, Aunt Donna and Granny. It was a wonderful excuse to polish the silver, get out the fine china, and cut flowers from the garden.

And, of course, I had to make girlie food like chicken salad and zucchini bread.

I thought it would make a wonderful blog post to capture all the women chatting and enjoying the day. Alas, all I have are a few before pictures.

You know you are having a grand time when you have your camera out, but are enjoying yourself so much that you forget to take pictures. I wish I could fully explain how wonderful the day was. It can sometimes be a little lonely as a stay-at-home mom. Therefore, all the company was delightful.

My guest arrived a little after 11am, and we visited for a good while before sitting down to dine on my meager attempts at a nice luncheon. After polishing off cookies we decided to head to Unique Treasures, my all time favorite store in Scottsboro. It was a blast to scourer through the antiques, and I think almost everyone found a little something. After our perusing, we made our way to Huntsville. I had the privilege of driving Granny and visiting with her one on one. It was a lovely ride, though Charlotte did wake from a nap upset. I sang her a lullaby and felt sorry that Granny had to suffer through my off key tune. We arrived at the Greenery (my favorite store in Huntsville) and immediately headed for the indoor section to cool off. Many treasures were found, and we all decided that if we were made of money we would have bought every object they had. We finished our outing with a pit stop at McDonald's for cooling ice cream treats. And much to my chagrin, the girls had to head home. I am VERY MUCH hoping that they all decide to make the trek back again in the not too distant future. If you lovely ladies are reading this, you all provided me with an unforgettable day, and I would love to have you again soon.

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In other news, Charlotte has really been a trooper with her patching. It is a fight to put it on and painful to take it off, yet in the three hours interim she does fabulous. I think this is a good age because once applied; she has no clue how to remove it and so goes on about her play. I can only imagine that a toddler is much more of a struggle. I am hoping that the patching does its work before this turns into a full on fit pitching affair.

Thank you all for your kind comments on my homemade patch. I too, thought it was more fun, yet I have got to do what works best. But this patch is pretty boring right?

So, I've decided to make things a little more interesting.

No, it is not nearly so beautiful as Charlotte real eyes, but I think it's pretty funny. Many times my options seem like either laugh or cry, and I trying to choose laugh as much as possible!

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Just for fun:

It is not easy to braid the moving, bobbing, swaying head of a baby. But I love doing it...and Charlotte loves pulling it all out :)

Did I mention Baby Girl is starting to get an attitude?? I know, it was only a matter of time. She throws a fit if I hesitate for one moment feeding her zucchini bread, her new favorite. And you'd think I'd pinched her if I don't give her the object she wants. I'm really not ready for the discipline stage. However, I know full well that it is in her best interest. Spoiled is an unattractive quality on even the cutest child. I am praying for wisdom on how to handle this new coming stage and for patience (not one of my strengths).

Yet, 99 percent of the time she is my ray of sunshine. Actually, make that 100 percent of the time!

What's a pirates favorite pattern?

2011-06-24T06:39:00.003-05:00

ARRRRgyle!

June continues its chaotic schedule and has me rubbing my eyes this morning and doubling how much coffee I will make. Yet, we did get a weekend at home which was lovely. You are probably thinking I took time to get much accomplished in terms of house cleaning and yard work, since I am always complaining about their sorry state...WRONG. The weekend was spent lounging with my husband and playing with my baby.

My creative self has been starving lately, therefore, I did satiate it with time spent working on Charlotte's baby book and upcoming birthday party. If cleaning toilets were as fun as glitter, construction paper, and glue, our bathrooms would be spotless.

Monday, we road down to Birmingham early so that we could visit with family and take Charlotte for her first dip in a pool. These last few weeks have been crazy, but I'd do it over and over again for my family. They are amazing, and I'd love to talk any and all of them into relocating to our booming metropolis. We laughed with cousins and were entertained as Charlotte acquainted herself with the swimming pool. My aunt and uncle had us over for a scrumptious dinner where I devoured more corn drenched in butter than I should have.

Tuesday morning, Charlotte, my mom, and I headed over to our ophthalmologist. I had already shed my tears over the possibility of a patch and girded myself for what might come. Dr. Metz was superb and after testing Charlotte's eyes, he did see crossing. The plan is for me to patch her eyes for three hours everyday, alternating which eye. After a month I am to call Dr.Metz and tell him how Charlotte is progressing. If the patch is not helping, then the next step is surgery. Dr. Metz informed me that I could make Charlotte's patch since she has latex precautions.

My old Singer finally gave up the go a few weeks ago. My mother decided the best plan of action was to locate a new sewing machine. THANK YOU MOM!!! We did eventually find one and had a ball along the way. I now have more projects in my head than I will ever have time to accomplish. But first on the list was a patch!

I made it with soft cotton and lace. Charlotte ROCKED it!

I made it convex to allow for blinking. Well, Charlotte's beautiful eyelashes still rubbed on the patch causing irritation. So, my homemade patch was a no-go. After much internet research, I discovered some adhesive patches without latex. They also hold the eye closed which can be less bothersome to a child. Baby girl can rock anything!

She screamed bloody murder taking it off, and it did leave her slightly red. But the redness died down quickly, so we are going to try them again today. She is a trooper, my girl. Charlotte quietly forges on through anything that comes her way. I think there is some inner steel in her. And baby girl can wear anything and look good!!!!

For now, we have a lovely pirate rolling around the floor for a few hours everyday. We are praying this solves the problem, and no surgery will be needed.

Yet, if it is needed, I have confidence that my baby girl will forge through with all the childhood vigor that astounds us as parents. And I am confident that my God will strengthen me with all the grace and mercy which astounds me as a sinner.

"Rain falls angry on the tin roof"

2011-06-14T13:42:00.010-05:00

The sky looks slightly gray, and I am praying that rain would come and pour through the cracks in our parched lawn and revive the hostas that are succumbing to the ferrous heat of this summer. I might take Charlotte outside and let her feel and taste the sweetness of much needed water. She has yet to experience the delight of a cooling summer rain, and today may remedy that. Yet, I am not holding my breath because there is still much sunshine amidst the graying cirrus sky.

We went ahead and watered many plants this morning, and pools of sweat lined both our foreheads. Charlotte rode on my back as I watered, weeded, and sprayed the yard which has now lost its spring luster. Instead it looks dry, overgrown, and in much need of a gardener's diligent hand. However, time and heat are keeping this gardener from her work...that and a little baby girl.

Our church's VBS is in full swing currently, and I am enjoying the time to get to know more children at Riverside. I leave the program early every night to feed and put the baby to bed. Even though I am only gone about two hours Charlotte does not like the current arrangement. As I often tell people, she is a wonderful baby as long as I do what she wants: be with her 24/7, nurse her whenever she wants, and hold her a large part of the day.

This new nighttime agenda does not fall into Charlotte's plan, and she is making her daddy work hard every night to keep her happy. But I have no doubt she will survive and Friday will bring restoration to the schedule.

We are all looking forward to a weekend at home. This weekend is our rain for we have been parched from travel and are in need of soaking rest. I have the typical mile long to-do list rumbling around in my head. But as I look at Charlotte babbling in her bumbo and think of Ben working hard to allow me this time at home; I am going to let the list dissipate from my mind. Instead of a Saturday filled with to-do's, I'm longing for a day with my little family. Maybe we will finally get that plastic haven called a baby pool; or it might pour all day and allow us the luxury of movies and board games. Whatever we do, I just want to soak it in. I want to laugh and twirl Charlotte around the room. I want to watch Lilly chase bumble bees on our deck. I want to rest in the crook on my husband's arm and tell him just how wonderful he his. To-do's will be there when the week starts back.

One more note before I am off to water more plants because the blazing sun has dispelled all hope for rain. Tuesday, Charlotte meets with an ophthalmologist in Birmingham to look at her wandering eyes. We are hoping that no surgery will be needed and have heard that patches are often used to strengthen the eyes. But what I really want is a magic cure. I am ashamed to say it but I don't want to patch those big beautiful blues. They take me in, her eyes. Every time I look into them I reel at the love and joy she has brought to my life.

Yes, I am aware that it is much better than surgery. Yet, the possibility of a patch saddens my heart (as foolish as that may be). You all have been so supportive in this journey and I ask you to once again pray for my baby girl. I ask you to pray for me as well: for continued acceptance of the path we are on and peace when the road diverges from the route I thought we were taking.

"Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'/ Into the future"

2011-06-10T06:55:00.004-05:00

I'm trying to soak in the quiet moments of the day.

They are few and far between at the moment. We have and will continue to travel the rest of the month. Ben and I are both looking forward to a restful July.

Yet, it has been wonderful to see relatives and celebrate marriages and birthdays. It is a blessing to be loved and lifted up by family.

Memorial weekend we celebrated with my Dad's side of the family in Tennessee. It was the weekend of many firsts for Charlotte.

First time meeting many cousins, aunts, and uncles.

First time in a bathing suit

And the first time in the lake for both Lia and Charlotte.

Charlotte seemed to love it, even though she was stuck in a life jacket from the 80s.

Lia however, was not a fan and happy to be on dry land.

It was wonderful to share in the joy of watching these girls interact with family and to anticipate the years to come when we can hear bouts of giggles as these girls and their cousins to come play together.

Yet there is always a bittersweetness to it all. I revel in the delight of watching Charlotte grow and change while desperately wanting to hold onto these fleeting moments of babyhood.

Life passes so quickly as a parent, but I see the gaiety that my parents have as they interact with our children. One day I hope to watch Charlotte play with her own children. One day I hope to be as full of joy and vitality as:

My own grandmother :)

"I could hold you in my arms/ I could hold on forever"

2011-05-24T15:43:00.009-05:00

It is sheer joy to partake in the journey of a child;

to watch them change, adapt, grow, and become something that you could have never foreseen.

It is almost surreal knowing that this child was once part of your very flesh, and now they are becoming their own person.

I love watching Charlotte and her ever-changing abilities. She loves taking objects out and placing them back in containers. She has also begun the melodious "dadada-ing", which I am sure will soon morph into a heart warming "daddy."

Is it bad that I'm hoping she'll say mommy first? :)

As a stay-at-home mom, I cannot measure my days by time cards or paychecks, and I'd rather not measure my days by laundry folded or toilets cleaned. Instead, I'm trying to just enjoy the fleeting moments of watching and joining in as my daughter experiences the world.

She is such an observant thing, and it has made me once again remember the wonder of God's creation.

She also makes me laugh!

"He loves me, he loves me not"

I'm trying to savor every moment;

even the moments when I take the lens cap away.

This Monday, Charlotte will be nine months old.

She has now been out in the world as long as she was in my womb, and it amazes me to think that I love her more now than the day I met her.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are blue."

2011-05-17T15:50:00.004-05:00

Well, this is coming much later than anticipated. I promised a post on my wonderful little niece and I'm finally coming through! These pictures were taken during Easter week: pre teeth! It is amazing how quickly our children change and grow up. Actually, it is down right scary.

Lia and Charlotte couldn't be more different. Charlotte is an observer and definetly on the serious side. Charlotte is coy and her smiles are quick and hard to catch. Well, Lia is a ball of sunshine. She is always on the go and I swear she is going to be crawling any day now. When She smiles, she smiles with her whole body. Lia is enthusiastic and just fun to be around. And Lia is already quite the beauty. My brother, Henry is going to have to beat the boys away! I am so excited to watch as these two girls grow up and interact with eachother.

Without further ado: Miss Lia Little

gotta love that grin!

If you are wondering where she got here good looks from: Exibit A

Two beautiful girls!

Here smile is contageous!

And now my two favorites: the wonderful parents!

Lia, your Aunt Esther loves you like crazy and can't wait to have tea parties with you and Charlotte!

"I've looked at life from both sides now; From win and lose and still somehow, It's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life, at all"

2011-05-10T14:07:00.028-05:00

As a kid, I would say I was an optimist, just like my mother; always seeing the brighter side. Now, with a child, I find pessimism and optimism are two sides of the same coin.

You look at your child and want the best for them. Your love for them is over powering and you want everything to be OK. However, fear can make you pessimistic. You love them so much that you fear what could be. It’s a constant inner battle for me between desperately wanting Charlotte to be strong and healthy, and all the while fearing that her shunt will malfunction or that her kidneys are suffering the consequences of SB. It's my Jeckel and Hyde.

After Easter weekend, I stayed at my parents' house, so I could go straight to Children’s Hospital in Birmingham with my mom the following Wednesday.

We attend clinic at Children's Hospital every six months, and their purpose is to be proactive in checking and monitoring the health of children with SB. I didn’t realize how much the visit was getting to me. I was having a wonderful time spending afternoons hanging out with my parents and laughing with my family. Yet, I started having nightmares about doctors telling children (not Charlotte) that their shunt was malfunctioning. I guess subconsciously I was worrying more than I knew. But, Charlotte seemed to be doing great, and the optimist in me said she was going to ace all her tests. The only thing that I feared was possible problem with the shunt.

The Diagnosis:

Tuesday, we headed to B’ham and spent the night with my Grandparents. Wednesday was Clinic day. First, Charlotte had x-rays of her spine and hip area, and then it was on to talk to Dr. Khoury, our orthopedist. Before we saw him, we met with one of the physical therapists who went over some activities that I could be doing to help Charlotte. A very important activity is "tummy time". This strengthens her lower back area so that she can accomplish things like sitting up (at 8 months she cannot sit up by herself). She also told me that stretching out her legs was important. Tummy time is our biggest hurtle, because she HATES it and unless I am holding her down, will immediately roll over. However, we are working on it…sometimes screaming all the way.

First, Dr. Khoury told me how well she looked and seemed to be doing. He was happy that, when laid across one’s lap on her stomach, her legs where no longer floppy. She was using lower back muscles. Then came the bad news. The x-ray indicated that Charlotte’s right hip was not fully in socket and would eventually need surgery. This happens with children with SB because they do not have the muscle that helps form and hold their hip socket in place. He told us that for now he wanted her in a brace at night. As far as when the surgery will take place, it is still unknown. For the next six months she will be in the brace. They like to wait to perform the surgery as long as possible so it does not impede development. From what I have read, they scrape away hip bone to make a better socket, and it is a very painful process.

Next, we met with our Neurosurgeon Dr. Wellons, who said she seemed to be doing very well. Then it was our rehab doctor. He once again told me not to get discouraged with typical milestones and that Charlotte would do things at her own pace. He also asked me if I had noticed one of her eyes wondering. My mom had also noticed this, and he told me to make an appointment with an opthomologist.

We were done, and my plan was to meet up with Ben to head back to Scottsboro. However, those terrible storms changed our plans and we spent the night with my Grandparents.

On Thursday of the following week, we headed back to Birmingham to see our Urologist and have another hearing screening. Charlotte's tests all came back excellent, and she aced her hearing test. Actually, she did better than most babies her age, but it was still a tough day. We asked Dr. Kitchens, our urologist, about the test. He answered our questions and informed us that over 80 percent of children with SB have to eventually have In and Out Catheterization, either to protect the kidneys or to solve the problem of incontinence. I thought that since Charlotte didn’t need catheterization currently, we were home free. I was wrong. In all likelihood, I will have to learn this process, and so will she.

The Result:

There is much to be grateful for and I’m aware of that, but it still hurts. I didn’t know there was a possibility of surgeries beside shunt issues. I thought we were over the catheterization. It takes me a moment to process, and I’m still processing the information from our most recent visits. The possibility of a very painful surgery breaks my heart. That one day Charlotte will be 16 and probably have to do In and Out Caths breaks my heart. Do we as mothers just always have a broken heart?

And the hardest part is the guilt. I am plagued by, and sometimes utterly overwhelmed, by guilt. Maybe all mothers of children with medical issues feel responsible, but it seems that with Spina Bifida, it is so easy to blame yourself. I was taking folic acid before Charlotte was conceived, but I am plagued by the question of: if I had taken more, if I had eaten more green leafy vegetables? What if? I try to be diligent in Charlotte’s care, but after the news of surgery, my heart sunk as I wondered: what if I had done more belly time, what if I had spent every waking moment of the day focused on Charlotte’s rehabilitation? Would it have changed anything? What if? The hardest thing of all is the knowledge of why trials are placed in our lives. Trials are to shape us and make us like Christ. Why did it take my own daughter to teach me? Was my heart so hardened that there was no other trial to shape me? Why couldn’t it have been me? Not her, Lord, not her.

I know the right things, but my heart has a hard time coping with the realities. I know I have SO much to be grateful for. The doctors are confident that Charlotte will eventually walk. I know that, and yet guilt and pain often rack my body in waves I think will overtake me.

But Christ is there, He is there saving me again and again. The storm is there all around me and yet so is HE.

Christ is helping me to focus on the joy. The joy of Charlotte doing things that I’ve always wanted for my child.

Her bouncing on her Papa’s knee.

Her experiencing the world through her senses.

Her tasting honeysuckle for the first time.

Her laughing in delight at silly faces.

Her experiencing the love of others.

If I take a breath, I can see all there is to rejoice in, and the waves don’t seem quite so impossible.

Easter Week

2011-04-27T20:26:00.015-05:00

What a week. I'm still a bit shocked over what all has taken place. I'm praying for all those who lost their homes and loved ones during the storms. I read the stories, and it breaks my heart.

There has been so much lost. I pray that God will be a refuge for all those who are hurting right now.

I'd like to share what a joyful Easter we were able to have. Friday, we all headed to Covington for an Easter weekend with my family and to have Charlotte baptized at the church I grew up in.

We started the weekend events with a traditional Passover Seder meal. My family has done this for as long as I can remember, and I've always enjoyed it greatly. It's amazing to think that Jesus spoke similar words to His disciples so soon before His crucifixion. I hope that Charlotte will one day gladly participate in the service. And I'm not gonna lie; my mom makes the BEST unleavened bread. Thank you Henry for providing it this year.

The girls did very well through the meal and only had an occasional melt down.

Lia: "quit pinching me!" Charlotte: "I'm not doing anything."

Saturday morning I gave Charlotte her Easter basket which I am fully aware she will not remember but for which I worked extremely hard on.

The eggs are made from paper, and the flowers are actually bows snapped to the side. I figured since she can't have candy yet, I would contribute to her ever growing hair accessory collection!

Later that morning the girls (Mom, Dana, Lia, Charlotte, me) headed to a lovely Easter egg hunt at longtime friends' house, the Patton's. The babies were great and although they couldn't hunt, seemed to enjoy watching the event. The rest of the afternoon I slaved away on pink champagne cupcakes with champagne buttercream icing and pink edible pearls. I really hoped they were worth all the effort!

The rest of the day was spent enjoying the company of family...there is really no better way to spend a day.

My niece Lia is a delight, and I'm actually going to do a picture post about her but thought I'd give you all a preview.

I made Ben take pictures of Charlotte and me in our matching outfits...yes, I'm a dork like that.

Sunday morning was a little hectic preparing for the days events, but I had fun arranging flowers for the table and watching as our Easter/baptism table took shape.

All was progressing well until my mom called me to ask about my cupcakes. Saturday, we had placed them in her office. The room was cool, and we wanted to preserve the icing. Well, my brother's dog Dakota had slipped into the office and eaten all but a few of my pink cupcakes, wrapper and all. It's ridiculous, but I'll admit I shed some tears over those cupcakes. It's hard to see hours of work disappear in a matter of moments. However, I got myself under control by singing "Christ the Lord Has Risen Today". There was still so much to be joyful about.

Charlotte looked so sweet in the baptismal gown, and one of my close friends Meghan was kind enough to take pictures of the day's events. Trinity was the place of my baptism long ago and has been an integral part of my journey in Christ. It was a blessing to come back and have my own child be baptized. The service was touching, and I cried as water was washed over her head and as my father and father-in-law prayed for her. My uncle was so kind to video tape it all, and my hope is that I can write down their prayers so that Charlotte can treasure them. After the baptism, Pastor Rob had the elders come up and pray over Charlotte and our family, both for physical healing and spiritual growth. I can't begin to express how much it meant to me. The prayers of both Trinity and Riverside have been such a blessing in my life.

As I ate lunch and celebrated with my family, all I could think was how blessed I am. My hope is that both Charlotte and Lia will one day know the risen King and celebrate Easter as daughters in Christ. I praise God for His Son's sacrifice and rejoice that He arose and reigns on high. Oh, that these two girls would realize this at an early age and dedicate their lives to His glory. That they would sing:

"In Christ alone my hope is found; He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, may all in all-Here in the love of Christ I stand."

"Just us kids hangin' out today; watching our long hair turnin' gray. Not so skinny maybe not so free. Not so many as we use to be"

2011-04-19T15:21:00.012-05:00

I had a hard time turning 25. I know it sounds silly. I really liked being 22. It was a good age; young, but without all the hoop-la of 21. And now I'm 26...closer to 30 than 20, yet I'm cool with it. Life is good, and I wouldn't want to go back, even with the wrinkles that are starting to show up and the energy level that is quickly dwindling! Plus, my parents came up to celebrate birthday weekend (my mom's was Saturday) and to squeeze on their granddaughter.

They arrived Thursday, and in honor of our birthdays I baked up brown butter sponge cupcakes with brown buttercream frosting. The consensus was that they were delicious, but it might be awhile before I endeavor to try them again. With a baby, I like to stick to recipes that do not require more than 30min at a time!

The weather was icky on Friday, so we lounged around. Unfortunately, that means my pictures were all taken inside. I much prefer natural light and have hardly turned on my flash...probably cause I don't know how to use it properly :)

It's awesome to see my dad interact with his granddaughters!

She is such a little goober.

And let's not forget about ChiCha. I think she is starting to prefer my mom to me! ...She is more fun...

We dined at Salt for our birthday meal, and I would highly recommend it. We then stayed up way to late watching funny YouTube videos...yep, that's how we role.

Saturday, we had an awesome day planned visiting plant nurseries in Huntsville. I was in the market for vegetables. We hit Bennets first, and although we nearly froze, we did not come out empty handed. Then it was on to the Greenery. If you haven't been there, GO! When we lived in Hampton Cove, I used to go and just walk around like you would at a park. It's lovely.

I mentioned I was looking for vegetables. I did get some, but I also cam home with a couple of annuals and two rose bushes. I have a rose addiction...I can't help it. I see their beautiful petals and revel in their bouquet, and then I start envisioning how lovely it will be in my yard. I need help people...is there a hotline for this??

Sunday, our church held a picnic and Easter egg hunt. What better way is there to spend your birthday than eating a smorgasbord full of food, lounging in pristine Spring weather, and watching as joyful children scramble about to find yet another egg.

Honestly, it was hard for me not to grab a few eggs myself! My other addiction is candy...oh yeah, and then there's ice cream and...well I have a lot of addictions I need to get control of :)

Ada, a child after my own heart. She searched for ONLY pink eggs! LOVE IT!

Bubba got a bit over heated in all the excitement

Best treat of all was a visit from Kay Kay and Bob.

All in all a very delightful Birthday!

However, it was followed by not such delightful times. Monday and Tuesday Charlotte fussed almost non-stop...and woke up at 4am. I did manage to catch a few fun and happy moments.

Charlotte takes after me. She loves corn!

Cute, right? Unfortunatley most of the day looked like this:

But I can't complain too much. She does know how to make my heart melt...

2011-04-13T11:48:00.006-05:00

So, I'm going to do something I'm not prone to do: picture posting!!! I've been delving into photography ever since Charlotte was born and finally decided to get a new camera. I LOVE it!!! And I thought my friends and family might want to take a peak at my meager photography skills. Yesterday the camera came in, and in between playing with Charlotte and scrubbing the bathtub (my arms are still soar- I HATE soap scumb!), I played around with the settings on my camera.

I thought the roses in my garden would be a good place to practice.

After Charlotte woke from her ten second nap, she was rather grumpy, but I was dying to snap away...

You would not believe how hard it is to get a clear shot of batting hands!

MANY pictures came out blurry!

She finally gave up the go, and photo session ended long before I was ready. We spent the rest of the day cleaning bathrooms and making a tablecloth for my dining room.

Mike (PawPaw) and Mary (Nana) came over for a quick visit before dinner and of course I once agian started clicking away with the camera...in my PJs. Fortunately, my in-laws are great and forgive me when I don't get around to putting on something other than pj pants and worn out t-shirts.

I think Charlotte is starting to look a good bit like her Nana.

Charlotte loves hanging out with her Grandparents

She did get a little sleepy; probably because she was up at 4am yesterday!

She loves her Nana to pieces!

Whenever I look at pictures that I have taken of Charlotte, I have to laugh at how huge her cheeks are! To borrow from my brother's girlfriend Nadia, "She looks like a chipmunk storing nuts for winter."

Yesterday evening, Ben and I decided to polish off the oysters he had brought back from a fishing trip with my dad and brother. We ate outside on the back porch and enjoyed the last rays of the sun. Charlotte was a trooper and seemed to understand we needed a little time to enjoy the air. She watched the commotion of shucking oysters from her bouncer and occasionaly cracked a smile as Lilly ran around chasing bumble bees.

My wonderful husband did all the dirty work of shucking the oysters and let me sit back and enjoy the bounty.

I know many are disgusted by oysters, but for me, it was a perfect meal.

The corn wasn't the best I've had but it didn't stop me :)

Before I know it Charlotte will be asking me to pass the cocktail sauce...it all happens much too quickly.

For now, I'm trying to savor every moment, even the one's where she gets me up at 5am to start the day. That's why God invented:

Emotional Baggage

2011-03-29T15:21:00.000-05:00

I meant to write this blog last week…then I tried to write it yesterday so I could say that I actually got a blog out in under two weeks. Looks like two weeks is the best I can do! I don’t know how you bloggers write every other day and even daily?! I am impressed. Of course, no one would want to read my meager words that much, so maybe it’s for the best!!!

Two weeks ago I was feeling hurt and angry. Try as I might I couldn’t let things rest. I was allowing things to fester. That’s NEVER a good idea. Then these words by Elisabeth Elliot pierced my heart:

“I am thanking God that unto us a Child was born. I am thanking Him also that there was a pure-hearted woman prepared to receive that Child with all that motherhood would mean of daily trust, daily dependence, daily obedience. I thank Him for her silence. That spirit is not in me at all, not naturally. I want to learn what she had learned so early: the deep guarding in her heart of each event, mulling over its meaning from God, waiting in silence for His word to her.

I want to learn, too, that it is not an extraordinary spirituality that makes one refuse to do ordinary works, but a wish to prove that one is not ordinary- which is a dead giveaway of spiritual conceit. I want to respond in unhesitating obedience as she did: anything You say, Lord” (Keeping a Quiet Heart, Elliot).

I cried as I read about Mary’s obedience and her silence before the Lord. I wondered when the last time I had been silent before the Lord was. How often I come to Him with lists of requests or begging Him to take me on a different path. Many times I plead with Him for my desires and asked Him to change the actions of those around me. But here was a woman who didn’t fight or plead. She said YES and silently obeyed the Lord.

My father often reminded me in high school that I was choosing to be upset, and I could choose a different path. Mary chose quiet obedience. I had been choosing to be hurt; to continue on in anger and self pity. I would say that as women, we are often led by our emotions, thinking they are the controlling factor. We think because people are hurtful and trials are frightening we must succumb to our feelings. We cry and tell the world how hard it is. We swing from emotional highs and lows at the drop of a hat and blame all of it on our circumstances. We proclaim that it is better to lay it all out on the table no matter what destruction we might cause. I have often left my husband hurt and bewildered by my emotional purging. I want to learn the beauty of silence before God.

I am not saying that circumstances aren’t hard, and I think that fellowship and confiding in Godly friends are blessings in the life of a Christian. Yet I feel that we use those terms to cover up what we truly are doing, gossiping or asking for self pity. I also believe that crying is important at times. Trust me; I have done my fair share of it! Yet we deny the importance of self control. We claim our emotions are a separate entity and follow wherever they may lead. But aren’t all things, even my emotional reactions to how others treat me, under the Lordship of Christ? If all that I am belongs to Christ, and if I allow Him to rule my life, shouldn’t He rule my emotions as well??

I had been hurt by the words and actions of others, but I had to painfully come to the realization that my continually choosing to be upset was sin, plain and simple. Christ didn’t cry “you are mean to me” or “that’s not fair” as people mocked and abused Him. He forgave again and again. And He was content at all times in His earthy role. He loved perfectly and continuously. That is His calling for my life as well. I am to glorify Him and bless others. That means learning how to forgive, how to hold my tongue, how to let go, how to be at peace in any and all circumstances and how to love.

I truly want Christ to be Lord of my life. I do not want to be a slave to my emotions or my circumstances. It seems every trial and hardship leads me back to the same place; deny thy self. It is a hard thing to learn, the hardest of things; yet I know it is the most important.

"This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience - it looks for a way of being constructive.
Love is not possessive.
Love is not anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own ideas.
Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage.
Love is not touchy.
Love does not keep account of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good men when truth prevails.
Love knows no limits to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that stands when all else has fallen” ( Elisabeth Elliot).

Sleepless in Scottsboro

2011-03-15T18:37:00.001-05:00

I have to thank my dear mother for giving me the apt name of my blog. It perfectly describes the last few months of my life. Charlotte was a pretty good sleeper when we brought her home from the hospital. She immediately new night from day, and for a long while I fed her two and sometimes only once in the night. I was ecstatic when I thought night time feedings where over. At around four months, she slept through the night. She did this for about four or five days…such blissful days. Then she started to wake again, and things got progressively worse.

I could handle the middle of the night feedings. It was tiring, and I had a hard time falling back asleep but I could survive. However, Charlotte was refusing to take naps. From birth she has been more of a cat-napper, but she started to have to nap on me. And then it got to the point where I couldn’t move, and if my stomach gurgled or I tried to hold in a sneeze she would wake up screaming.

Night time routines also seemed to get worse. At first I nursed Charlotte and held her till she fell asleep. Then I started to have to stare at her till she fell asleep. I’m not kidding; if I didn’t look at her, she would start to fuss. Then Charlotte wanted me to sway (standing only, rocking chairs where a no go) while I did the above. I had to wait until she was totally knocked out and then gently put her in her crib while praying that she didn’t wake. Sometimes screaming commenced, and the whole routine had to be started again. She was starting to wake at least twice in the night, and three to four times was becoming more typical. When Charlotte woke after 3am I would have to let her sleep on me for the rest of the morning. I even tried co-sleeping, but it did not work well since Charlotte wanted to be on me. She ended up getting little sleep while I got none. It wasn’t just me who was suffering. Charlotte’s sleep issues where affecting the whole house. She is a good natured baby but started to become easily fussy and never seemed to play hard. Charlotte and I were just flat out exhausted most of the time.

My sweet mom, seeing my state of fatigue gave me a book she had used when I was having trouble sleeping: How to Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems. As I read it I laughed, because it seemed Dr. Ferber had interviewed Charlotte for the book. I also laughed because it made SO MUCH sense. I resolved to start the process of graduated extinction (cry-it-out).

We went on a women’s’ retreat this past weekend with my home church, Trinity. It was wonderful, but Charlotte and I were still exhausted from sleepless nights. After talking to many women and my mom, I resolve to start Sunday night. People had prepared me that the first couple of nights can be tough, but it would all be worth it to Charlotte and me when she was sleeping. I also had many people praying for me. I prayed as well, and decided that I really didn’t think this is how God intended me to spend the rest of my days. I also remembered my mom’s favorite saying: “The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.”

Sunday night seemed to creep up on me, and I was extremely anxious. I’m terrible at letting Charlotte cry. I was afraid that she wouldn’t love me anymore. I know that’s crazy, and I also know that just because she cries or tells me she hates me in the future does not mean I should cave. Isn’t sleep deprivation just as bad for her as a diet of all sugar or bad TV?! I got all weepy before I even put her in the bed (thank goodness she is still too young to understand her mommy crying) and prayed the Lord would bless my decision.

The book says at first to let them cry for 3 min and then go reassure them that you are still there. She cried, and I cried upstairs while I listened to the monitor and waited for Ben to let me go back down. I told her how much I loved her, and I told her it was hard for me too. Charlotte, one day when you are my age, we will laugh about this together. I went back upstairs, and she proceeded to scream. This time I had to wait five minutes before rushing back down stairs and once again promising her this was what was best. After the 5 min wait comes a 10 min wait, and it is 10 min every time after that. If the crying dies down, the book says not to go in, because it would be interrupting their learning to settle themselves. I went back up stairs where Ben comforted me and told me she would be fine. At around the 8 min mark Charlotte began to die down. I honestly thought she was just taking a breather so she could really let me have it, but she whimpered for about 10 more minutes and went to sleep! I was shocked! That night she had one session where she was up for about an hour before settling back down and sleeping till 5:30am!

I couldn’t believe it! I honestly felt kind of stupid about my anxiety. Naps are not going nearly as well, but I really think we’ll get there. It’s just going to be more of a process. Last night when I put her down, she cried for about 2min and then fussed off and on for 10min, so I didn’t even have to go in. She slept through the entire night without a peep! We are both like new people. I think both of us still have sleep to catch up on but the road ahead looks much brighter. Thanks to all who prayed; man, did God answer!!

No two children are alike, so I don’t think there is any book that can solve all problems and give you all the answers. I fully believe that parents have to pray and do what seems best, and many times the paths are different. You might think I will do it differently the next go around, but I’m not so sure. I’m grateful for how much I held Charlotte as an infant, and I will always cherish that time (trust me, she is still in my arms plenty!). I hope to do the same with the next. Hopefully, the next go around I’ll know what to do when not only am I exhausted but the baby’s sleep is suffering as well.

I hope that those parents who are still having trouble with sleepless nights will find solutions that work for them and until then, that God would give them grace and strength through the fatigue. I’m sure I have many more sleepless night ahead of me with stomach viruses, nightmares, sleep-overs, etc., but I can rest much easier knowing that Charlotte is developing good sleep habits now.

"Bring what hurts, bring your scars, bring the load that you carry; I will give you rest"

2011-02-23T13:58:00.000-06:00

We had a wonderful time with Henry, Dana, and Lia this past weekend. They arrived late Thursday evening…after a not so fun trip over here…and left Sunday morning. Henry went in with Ben to work while Dana, Lia, Charlotte and I got to hang out all day Friday. It was so much fun. We even found some great buys at Unclaimed Baggage. Friday night we grilled out and all got stuffed on the world’s largest sweet potatoes…I think each one of them weighed about a pound! Saturday morning we were all a bit groggy from staying up way too late talking, laughing, and reminiscing about how much life had changed in the last few years, but after several cups of coffee and a few cookie dough truffles (a dessert I made that is WAY too addictive and the reason I have put on 5lb in the last few days) we were all ready to face the day. The four of us decided a trip to Earth Fare was in order, and we prayed the girls would handle the car trip well. We loaded up the Flex and headed out. The girls did amazingly well the entire trip with no major meltdowns. We ate lunch at Earth Fare, bought some delicious items for dinner, then headed to Interior Market Place. I could have bought half of the store. Dana and I were in love with adorable children’s clothing, but we both wished they had more sales items. After much drooling over smocked dresses and baby bathing suits, we headed back to the Boro. We decided to do a Tapas style meal of delectable’s we found at Earth Fare. I think everyone’s favorites were a yummy cold sausage, dates, and brie with fig and orange preserves smeared on top. Sunday morning came all too quickly, and I hated to see them go but will be headed to Covington soon for Lia’s Baptism.

My parents are coming up this weekend so our house will once again be full. I love it, always having someone to talk to and sit quietly with while I drink a morning cup of coffee. People might think I’m nuts, but I really could live in a compound with all my family and be perfectly happy. They never seem to get on my nerves, though I’m sure I drive them all nuts. This week has seemed so quiet without everyone here and I have been having an extremely hard time getting anything done. I think chronic fatigue is wearing on me. Sunday night Charlotte only woke once and slept till 7am (yippee). Then we had another night when we were up 3 times, and all rest regained was lost. I keep telling myself I’ll look back, and it will seem like this was just a short phase. Yet, in the middle of it, this season of sleeplessness feels endless.

Emotional trials have me fatigued as well. I keep reminding myself the Lord will not give me more than I can bear, nor will He give my spouse more than he can bear. I, in weakness, can place all importance on temporal things without thinking of a future eternity. It is especially hard to view family in an eternal light; to view life as temporal. I place so much importance on my relationships. They are important, but they are still earthly which means these relationships will come to an end. It’s extremely hard to grasp that the end of our earthly relationship is the beginning of a perfect one in Heaven. I also know that our trials are to shape us and to refine us into something worthy of eternity with the Savior. They chip away at us until we more resemble Christ. Each chisel of the Creator breaks us more of self. He chips away at the tight grasp we hold until we are free to hold only to Him. Oh, but it is a painful process. I want to be able to say “to live is Christ, to die is gain”, but often times I am a coward about the process. I get angry at God when He starts to mold me. In doing so I reject the cross; when as a Christian, I must learn to submit to it. Because in the cross there is perfect justice: a death for the sins of man, and there is perfect mercy: a gift of His own son. Each trial in my own life brings me closer to the harmony of the cross. I am praying the Lord teach me not to run away in fear and anger but to run to Him in submission. “If you knew what God knows about death you would clap your listless hands.” –George MacDonald

Lord I am weary and heavy laden, please give me rest.

Catching Up

2011-02-08T09:47:00.000-06:00

I’m going to start off by saying this blog might make absolutely no sense. I’m running off fumes. Someone who is perfectly capable of sleeping through the night woke me up MANY times. However, I’m going to forgive her, because she did allow me to get a ton done yesterday…guess cleaning the house cost one night’s sleep…might not clean the house again anytime soon J

I know it’s been quite awhile since I’ve blogged. Every time I’ve sat down at the computer I’ve either been too tired or felt like I’ve had nothing to say. But now that we are nearing the two week mark, I felt I must catch friends and family up. We’ve had an enjoyable past couple of weeks: girl’s weekend in Covington (grand except for the most miserable car ride I’ve ever experienced, which consisted of 4 straight hours of crying), cooking new dishes including scrumptious Coq Au Vin, many fun birthday parties (Lottie and Andrew), and a few sunny days.

Charlotte is 5 going on 6 months, and she, for the most part, is a blast! I feel like 4 going on 5 months was a bit tough. She was super clingy, fussy if not held, woke up often during the night, and refused to nap. She still wakes up a good bit during the night and only takes cat naps, but she is more amiable and is starting to really enjoy playing with her toys. And the laughter makes my heart skip a bit. The other night I was tossing cheese at Lilly and Charlotte started cracking up. It was great! I love to make her laugh, but it is so much fun to see her laugh at something on her own. Charlotte is really starting to notice the world around her, and it’s a joy to watch. Watching your own child discover the world reminds you of how creative our God truly is. I thank Ben often for letting me stay at home, because I would not want to miss a minute of this.

Charlotte also enjoys reading time. I think she really just likes to watch the pages turn and see the pictures, but I read to her as long as she will let me. I want her to be a reader…as opposed to a watcher of TV. I do way too much watching at night and know that’s going to have to change when she starts to notice the TV. She has looked at it a few seconds, but still has no real interest in it, which I am extremely happy about. Normally at night I let her fall asleep in my arms while Ben and I watch a show (many times “The Office”). I know it sounds crazy, but she seems to like falling asleep to background noise. I know it’s a bad habit, but it makes for a very nice end to an often long day. I’m praying she won’t notice the TV for another 2 years. I doubt that will happen, so I’m sure our night time routine will be changing soon.

Now the cell phone is a completely different story! She is mesmerized by it…which tells you I am on it WAY too often J I typically do not buy her toys because it doesn’t take but one to entertain her; yet I did break down and buy Charlotte a toy phone the other day. I was honestly hoping it would help with car trips. Charlotte enjoys it, but I don’t think it holds a candle to my phone. Plus she is such an observer, she would almost rather watch me play with her toys than play with them herself. In fact, as we speak Charlotte is on my lap happy as a clam watching my fingers move all over the keyboard!

We get a huge treat today. My mom (ChiCha) is coming for an overnight visit. Both of us are excited and even baked cookies in honor of her coming. I just wish the visit was longer and that my dad was coming as well. However, they are both coming for a weekend at the end of February. And in two weekends Henry, Dana, and Lia are coming for a visit!!!! I’m thrilled because I thought I wouldn’t see them till March and hated to think how grown up Lia would be by then. These two girls are changing at rapid speeds, and sometimes I just want to push the pause button. I can’t do that, so I’m trying to treasure each moment!

I hope you all have a wonderful afternoon. I’m hoping I can get a little more work done on my house and I’m praying that God will use my time whether is be cleaning or nursing to glorify Him. I’m praying that He give me a patient spirit in the midst of fatigue and that He help me to seek Him in the quiet moments of the day.

"And what have you done/ Another year over/ And a new one just begun"

2011-01-12T15:22:00.002-06:00

Christmas has come and gone, and my house is still showing signs of the event. It was a wonderful time. Our church had a Christmas Eve service which I love going to, because I feel it always gets my mind/heart in the right place. After the service we headed to the Bratton’s to celebrate Mike’s birthday. We spent Christmas Eve and morning with my in-laws. It was a very special time with family. I was absolutely thrilled to wake up to a beautiful white Christmas and will always remember that Charlotte’s first Christmas was snowy. Charlotte seemed to enjoy the affair and loves the bunny sofa that her Nana (Mary) and PawPaw (Mike) gave her. And I am loving the Ipad that they gave me. In fact…I’m a bit obsessed…it’s hard for me to put it down…it might be the reason my house is looking like a nuclear bomb site!

Anywho, it was wonderful to be with the Bratton’s for the morning events, and after checking on the weather we made the snowy drive to Covington to spend time with my family. Charlotte was a champion and slept almost the entire way. Once again the presents were a hit. Charlotte received a Beaba Cook from ChiCha and Papa, which I am thrilled about. Some of the recipes for baby food look better than what I cook now! But I have to say her favorite Christmas present is a teething toy which her Uncle Will gave her. It is a pink ring with a beautiful silver bell. She LOVES it!!! After celebrating with my family for a few days, my mom brought Charlotte and me home to help with the de-decorating process. She was a huge help and it was wonderful as always to have girl time.

New Years came and went in our house without much event. Ben and I did manage to eat a nice diner at Surin, which Charlotte thankfully slept through. And then we went to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me! New Year’s was uneventful but it brought back so many memories. New Year’s Day 2010 we told my in laws and my family that I was pregnant. It was an exciting time but I look back and laugh. How little I knew!!! How little I knew about the work involved and the joy that a baby would bring. I’m sure 2011 will bring many memories. I can’t help but reflect on what a tumultuous year 2010 was.

2010
1. We discover I am pregnant…Ben made me take the test three times to be sure!!!!
2. …..we discover we are pregnant right after Ben purchases a motorcycle!!!
3. We paint the nursery: yellow and gray
4. Henry and Dana find out they are expecting as well….I’m an AUNT!!!
5. This baby turns out to be a GIRL!!! But with that news comes the fear that all is not well
6. We wait…I cry…We wait….UAB visit is looming in the distance
7. Ben and I cling to one another as we find that Charlotte does indeed have Spina Bifida
8. I cry and pray for peace
9. My 25th birthday comes and I start to feel a bit old :)
10. Ben and I celebrate our third year of marriage and laugh at how clueless we were that first year.
11. My body is not my own….I call pregnancy Invasion of the Body Snatcher
12. We celebrate the union of Beth and Graham (Ben’s sister) and what a ball it was!
13. I cry and ask God: “Why her? Why not me?”
14. Summer is HOT and maternity clothing has WAY too many layers
15. I find I now like Ranch dressing which I have hated my entire life
16. We head to Canada for cooler weather….hahaha not going to happen
17. Henry and Dana let us know that a girl is on the way: Amelia Estes Little!!!
18. My tummy is growing at rapid speeds and I can now see the bottom of my belly button!
19. UAB visits seem constant. Charlotte is looking small but they tell me they will wait till 39 weeks before inducing
20. Our house is starting to look like an explosion of pink from all the shower gifts
21. I cry
22. Charlotte will not turn and I settled into the fact I’m going to have a c-section
23. Aug. 30 Charlotte arrives, no crying, meconium in her throat, finally I hear crying from far away, they wheel her past me, she is gone, I’m sewn up and rolled away, hazy, when will I see Charlotte?, touch her little arm for the first time, unfathomable love
24. Aug 31. Charlotte has surgery, I’m in physical pain from surgery and emotional pain from Charlotte’s procedure.
25. God is taking me through the fire…refine me oh Lord
26. The next week and a half are the longest of my life. I cry and pray more in those to weeks than I have in all my years.
27. Our daughter is home. What joy fills our house!
28. My mom stays with me for a week and I hated seeing her go.
29. Charlotte does well.
30. Sleep is a rare commodity
31. Ben and I are amazed by our new little wonder!
32. More Children’s visits where all is well. Praise GOD!
33. A trip to the emergency room finds me crying out to God again and asking Him for mercy. And once again He is merciful.
34. Tears for my baby girl and what may lay ahead
35. Church for the first time in weeks. It is such a treat and a joy to be back with all our friends who have prayed so fervently for us.
36. Lia arrives and it is not as uneventful as we had hope, but she is healthy and I am anxious to meet my beautiful niece.
37. My mom hosts Thanksgiving in Covington for the first time. It is a wonderful time with family and finally, the two girls get to meet.
38. The realities of Spina Bifida come crashing down on me in the oddest moments; cuts on Charlotte’s legs she can’t feel, limited muscle tone, constant diaper rash, etc.
39. Christmas season has started and Charlotte enjoys watching our tree fall down…five times
40. Having a child brings much greater understanding of the birth of Christ.
41. Charlotte spends the night with Nana and PawPaw for the first time and we celebrate a wonderful white Christmas

2010 has been one of the most difficult and best years of my life. I hope 2011 brings as much joy as this past year and I hope that God continually seeks to mold me into something worthy to one day stand at His throne.

"What Child is this, who laid to rest, On Mary's lap is sleeping?"

2010-12-17T20:17:00.002-06:00

I have a few moments to write a blog…a few moments that I probably should be cleaning. I can’t believe that Christmas is only a week away! It has really snuck up on me this year. Ben and I even debated whether we wanted to put up a tree this year…the pine needles that get everywhere, the glitter from the ornaments, the mess of it all. However, I decided that even though Charlotte will have no memory of this Christmas, I wanted to still make it special. Plus, I thought she would enjoy looking at a Christmas tree. I was right; she loved watching me decorate and seemed to really get a kick when it fell over…about 5 times.

But I did go much lighter on décor this year. I kept thinking to myself, “Is this worth cleaning up,” and that made the process much simpler. I also have been thinking much more about what Christmas truly means. Having a child has greatly altered my perspective of Christmas day. It is painful to admit, but many times I have been absorbed with both the receiving and giving of gifts. Yet, this Christmas I have thought much more about the nativity story which is the true reason we celebrate the season.

I think often of Mary and what she went through. She became a mother in a town where she was a stranger without her mom or dad and with a new husband. She gave birth next to farm animals without the benefits of a physician or the comfort of a bed. Mary knew that God had blessed her with this task, but I imagine she was incredibly scared as well. She then had to rush off with this new, helpless babe because He was in danger. And I can only imagine the pain which Mary went through as she learned that other babies had died in the search for her Son. How she must have wept for those innocent children just as she would one day weep for her own Son’s death.

Mary’s story is amazing but the story that has made me weep this holiday season is the story of a Father sacrificing His only son. I love Charlotte beyond reason and would do ANYTHING to protect her. I would NEVER send her into harms way. Yet God sent Christ, His son to earth as a baby; right in the middle of harms way. Christ was just as helpless and in need of His mother as Charlotte is now. It is a mystery I cannot comprehend. And our Heavenly Father new that this perfect baby was going to suffer more than any human being on earth. God watched as His son was born in the lowliest of places. He watch as Christ was chased, mocked, and betrayed. What’s more, God didn’t just watch but allowed it. And then God watched as the Prince of Peace was beaten and abused. He allowed His Son who was blameless to die for a world that despised Him; for a people that betrayed Him, for a nation that rejected Him. God gave the weight of the world’s sins to His Son. Christ died for me, a sinner through and through. A girl who much too often has thought of herself rather than others, who has held tightly to things of this world rather than eternal riches, who has placed so many other things before the One who created her, who was crucified for her. This Christmas I am grappling with the reality that many years ago a baby, a Prince, was born to die for me.

“Nails, spear, shall pierce Him through,
The Cross be borne, for me, for you:
Hail, hail, the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary!
This, this is Christ the King
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing.
Haste, haste to bring Him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.”

"He knows my name/ He knows my every thought/ He sees each tear that falls/ And He hears me when I call"

2010-12-09T15:31:00.001-06:00

I love the age three going on four months. LOVE IT!!! In fact I love it so much I really am wondering if Charlotte can just stay this age…really. She did great at my parents with hardly any breakdowns. She is also making me a happy mommy by mostly sleeping through the night. Yippee! It is amazing how much sleep can do. Charlotte is still on the feed every three hours during the day schedule. Occasionally she will go four and sometimes in the evening only two. But I feel like we are finally in the swing of things; in sync. I feel like I can recognize and meet her needs faster now.

Of course, there are a few things I wish she would do, like take a bottle. Yes, I have a freezer FULL of pumped milk and a baby who refuses to have anything to do with it. I tried again and she actually took a big gulp (progress!) and then proceeded to spew it all over me…then she grinned huge. Oh, Charlotte! She definitely has a personality at this point. She is such a happy girl. She wakes happy and is usually pleasant unless I don’t get milk to her fast enough. She, like all babies can get grumpy from fatigue or hunger, but then so can I!! Charlotte is even doing awesome in the car seat!! Exposure therapy worked. It probably helps that now she takes more trips in the car that aren’t to the doctor. Thank you, cousin Mary for telling me to keep at it.

Yes, she is a happy little girl and I love it.

---------30 minute break---------------

Sorry, about that…she just had a melt down. Did I mention the other thing that gets her going? She does not like to wake up from a nap not on me or with me out of visual range. In fact, when I do yoga in the morning I put her bouncer facing me. She usually does great and seems to enjoy watching me, and she dozes in and out. I’m hoping to eventually establish actual nap times, but for now I’m just enjoying the flexibility.

Yep, three going on four months is flexible and fun. She’s still a mommy’s girl, but she is typically great with crowds as well. I think she might be a bit of a ham actually. I brought her by my dad’s office when we were in town, so he could show her off to all his coworkers. She proceeded to grin up a storm and then babble at him. That’s right, she has started to babble, and it might be the cutest thing ever. I LOVE to hear her. Charlotte talks a lot with her “friends”, meaning the toys that hang from her bouncer and car seat. Sometimes, Charlotte will babble at me and seem to get frustrated, like “don’t you understand what I’m saying?” It’s hilarious. She talked our ears off one night to my Dad, and it was so adorable I didn’t want to put her to bed.

I am sure before I know it she will be forming real words. This growing up stuff happens WAY TOO FAST. When I held my little niece Lia, I couldn’t help but think “was Charlotte ever really this small??” The changes have flown by. We’ve had a few long days, but it seems like infancy is just a blink. It kills me. Ben keeps on telling me that I’ve said I want her to stay this age every month and Mike, my father-in-law, keeps reassuring me that I’ll love it all. I know both these men are right, but I can’t help but think watching your children grow up is a little bittersweet. Maybe it is part of the “pain of childbirth” that God allows women. I want to hold on to this sweet, innocent stage. I can’t help but love how cuddly she is and how dependent on me. Sometimes, I think God is trying to remind me that our time on earth is much like I view her growing up. It is over in an instant.

She is not only sweet but unknowing. Right now she is the typical baby and has no awareness of issues. I am scared of the day when she comes to realize her problems, when she asks why she has to go to the doctor more than other children, why she has scars. It’s hard enough for me to cope sometimes. I had a wonderful time with my niece Lia. She is of course beautiful. If you have seen my sister-in-law Dana, you know where she gets it from. Yet, I couldn’t help but observe Lia and her movements compared to Charlotte. One day little Lia was lying on her belly on the couch and kicked her leg back. I realized that Charlotte had never made this move before. She is a baby. Most of the complications have not fully displayed themselves, but it is painful as they come to light. The other night I was changing her diaper and realized the back of her thigh had scratches and cuts on it. She will sometimes do this to her face with her nails and scream bloody murder. I called Ben in and was trying to figure out how it happened and questioned why she didn’t cry. Then I saw Ben’s understanding face, and it came to me. She probably didn’t feel it. I completely broke down.

I get use to the complications I know about; the constant diaper rash, the flexed feet. However, when a new one arises (not kicking on her belly, lack of feeling) it completely knocks me down. Reality pushes it’s way back in. I know when she is more aware I’m going to have to toughen up for her sake. Now she has no idea, and maybe that’s part of why it’s hard for me to see Charlotte grow up. As I cried about the cuts she looked at me and smiled. That sweet smile that makes my heart abound in love but also makes me once again ask, “Why not me, Lord, why not me?”

Shuttering with Excitment

2010-12-03T13:57:00.005-06:00

For three years I have made the claim that I would do a Christmas card. For three years I have failed miserably; but things are about to change. With the birth of Charlotte I knew that I had to start the Christmas card tradition. My mom has always done a Christmas card and saved them so we could look back at the changes. I want to do the same thing because I know I’ll be amazed at how fast she grows up…and probably a little horrified at how quickly I age!! So Christmas cards are a must this year. Yet, with the birth of Charlotte I have to be more budget conscious than ever. Thus, starts the search for a cute but wallet friendly card.

If you are on the same path, look no further; Shutterfly meets all of the above requirements. They have a plethora of wonderful photo cards at great prices. I wanted to do several shots with Charlotte in different outfits (because she’s so darn cute) and they have many that work. The hard part will be actually making a decision!

I really love the following because it's modern but cute and I love birds.

The next one is a bit more traditional which I like and I love the intial.

Decisions, decisions.

The other thing I noticed while I was perusing the Christmas cards on Shutterfly was the birthday invitations. I know, we’ve got a ways to go before Charlotte’s first birthday, but I am already excited about it. Plus the options at Shutterfly are endless. I’m thinking it might be cute to have her in a tutu on the front.

Before I forget, I must mention the perfect grandparent gift. At Shutterfly you can place pictures on mugs. My parents and in-laws are big coffee drinkers and I know they would love looking at their adorable grand’s every time they take a sip.

I hope you have good luck finding your own holiday cards this year, and be sure to check out Shutterfly for their great selection. While you are at it be sure to check out their blog promotion which I am participating in!

Gobble Gobble!!!

2010-11-30T17:25:00.001-06:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are still suffering the consequences of eating 3 pounds of dressing like I am. I’m not kidding. My mom made about 4 gallons of dressing, and it was gone by Friday afternoon. The turkey was superb this year. I ate the leftovers with guacamole on top. Oh, and Henry’s pecan pie was PERFECTION!!!!!!!!!! I was almost sad for Charlotte that she did not get to taste all the delicious foods but she is still preferring mother’s milk. Actually, she so prefers it that she refuses a bottle. I keep trying to tell her it’s the same thing, but she will have none of it. Weaning this child is going to be interesting.

Enough about food; I have to tell you all the best part of my trip. We arrived in Covington very late on Tuesday evening and Charlotte was a dream in the car. Ben and I couldn’t believe it. We quickly said hello to my parents and then made our way to bed. Wednesday, we finally got to meet LIA!!! I can’t tell you how great it was to see my precious niece. She is ADORABLE and she seems tiny compared to my Chunky Monkey. She has very dark hair and a cute chin dimple like Henry. What can I say??? She is an angel. She and Charlotte did very well Thanksgiving Day amidst much commotion, and they both have gotten their ears blown out during football games. Poor Lia has also been exposed to a fair amount of barking with Lilly around, but she handles it like a champ. Henry and Dana are already exceptional parents, and the all consuming love they have for her is evident. It has been a lot of fun seeing my brother becoming a father. I mean this is the same brother who used to squeeze my head, because Mom and Dad said he couldn’t hit me! But Henry is great with Lia, and she adores him as well.

Not nearly as wonderful as meeting Lia, but the other highlight of the weekend was watching the Iron Bowl. WOW! It was quite a game, and I’ll be surprised if Charlotte doesn’t have permanent ear damage after that one. It was especially great to see Charlotte decked out in her AU apparel on Will’s lap while he cheered. I would say last weekend was awesome for football. Auburn beat Alabama; Florida State whooped up on Florida; and Georgia took Georgia Tech. Now if only Auburn can win the SEC Championship and then the National Championship. Ben’s headed off to watch the SEC Championship this coming weekend, which is why I get to have another week in Covington.

It has been great being home. It’s amazing how much help I have. I don’t know how I’ll ever begin to thank my parents for all they do. They have watched Charlotte so I could run through the shower; held her so I could sit and eat; soothed her when I was worn out; walked with her, because we both needed fresh air; and so much more. They even babysat. Late Saturday afternoon they agreed to watch both Charlotte and Lia while Henry, Dana, Ben, and I went to see the new Harry Potter. The new movie was entertaining, but Dana and I both agreed that we missed our babies and movies just don’t seem quite as important now. My parent’s said both babies did great, so maybe date nights are in our future.
Really, Charlotte has done amazing this whole visit. I thought we would have much more crying bouts and hard nights but she has been so amenable to all the ruckus. She even slept through almost the entire church service before she woke and wanted a change of scenery. Last night has been her fussiest, and it was pretty mild. Unfortunately, when I went to feed her this morning her left eye was covered in goop, and I immediately thought pink eye. I checked with my mom and she said it could possibly be bacterial or viral, and we’d have to watch and see. I was upset to think that she might have a cold or a bacterial infection and immediately started praying. Well, she has had no puffiness in either eye, no runny nose, and no more goop. The only change has been she has slept nearly the entire day when she is typically very wakeful. I’m not sure if she is just sleeping through the sickness, just had an eye irritation, or what; but I’m thankful and praying she is back at it tomorrow.

Once again, I hope everyone had a joy filled Thanksgiving!

"I believe in everything, in everything I'm a believer...and I believe/ In the voices out here/ Tellling me to hold on/ But let go of my fear"

2010-11-22T17:32:00.003-06:00

I have a moment’s break as Charlotte sleeps. What am I thinking??? Well, I am thinking how on earth is it almost Thanksgiving?!!! I have been trying to get organized and pack for a long week in Covington, and I can’t get over that it’s already the holiday season. I have packed Charlotte’s bag and have organized my clothes, but my plan to clean the bathroom before leaving is hanging over me like a lead weight. I have walked in our bathroom several times with the intention of starting, but then I get this childish thought: “but I don’t wanna” and the bathroom remains a wreck. It has to be done, so I’ve decided that I will force myself to get scrubbing after our afternoon walk.

That’s right, the girls (Charlotte and Lilly) and I are going for a stroll to soak up the beautiful weather while it lasts. It’s glorious outside. Plus, I’m trying to stick to my exercise regime. I started Tuesday. Mostly, I do videos in the morning, because that is when Charlotte is at her best and actually seems to like watching me do yoga. I had no idea how grossly out of shape I was until I started these videos. Every muscle has been sore this week…even my toe muscles. And I’m a little sad because I see no results; all that ab work and nada. Yes, I know; it has only been a week, and these things take time; especially when all your abdominal muscles have been sliced in half. I guess I’ll have to keep crunching and hope that it all pays off in the end.

As I read my bible this morning, I kept thinking of all that I have to be thankful for this season. I look back on this year and am in awe of God’s provision in my life. He has truly blessed me beyond measure. All too often I lose sight of all my heavenly Father has done. I get caught up in the day to day grind. I get bogged down by laundry and cleaning. I complain about sleep and lack of free time. I get short tempered and my patience is thin. I am ungrateful and short sighted. I prayed this morning that God would open my eyes to all He has done. I prayed I would better treasure the earthly gifts He has placed before me and that my heart would seek things of eternal nature. Yes, I still have to clean the bathroom, but I must be grateful that I have a bathroom, running water, and a place to feel clean. I have SO, SO much.

But I also know that joy is not based on circumstances. “Giving thanks is different from being thankful…When I give thanks to God for a trial or difficult circumstance, it is not a feeling of thankfulness but a decision of my will to choose to trust God and thank Him in spite of my feelings” (Dillow). Much too often I get wrapped up in how I feel. Our society places so much importance on feelings and tells us to act out our feelings. I have done this all too often and it always gets me nowhere. When has yelling or slamming doors done any good? No, I must look past my feelings which are often sinful and my worse enemy. I must look to a God who is bigger than my circumstances. I want to be able to say, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.” I want to be a woman whose heart is filled with joy in plenty and in want.

Charlotte started crying, so I had to feed her. Then we went on a walk/jog, and now I’m back to finish up my ramblings.

We head to Covington on Wednesday for the Holidays, and I am there for a week and a half! YIPEE!!! I am so excited about my extended visit because: I get to MEET LIA!!!! Hooray!! I’m sure I am going to get on Henry and Dana’s last nerves telling them how cute she is and snapping pictures of her and Charlotte together…I can’t wait for that first cousin picture! Charlotte and Lia have the same gown and I think it would be adorable to get a picture of them wearing it. I know it is going to be a wonderful time with my family fellowshipping and eating way too much dressing. Oh, how I love dressing. I’m going to try to only gorge myself on Thanksgiving day…but we’ll see if I actually live up to that statement. I’ll try to blog while I’m there to tell you all about the ruckus but my parents’ computer is slow as molasses so no promises. I pray that you all have a joyful Thanksgiving and are able to fully see the depth and breadth of God’s love for you!!!

…..did I mention the bathroom is still not clean : / …………

"I dig it when your fancy dressed up in lace/ I dig it when you've got a smile on your face"

2010-11-15T17:38:00.002-06:00

Saturday November 13

Well, Part TWO is coming much later than I anticipated. As you can surmise, the week has gotten away from me…as usual. Last blog I filled you in on Charlotte’s current medical prognosis. But for today I’d like to forget for a moment about Charlotte’s medical issues and discuss just normal life.

I know I mentioned that I was going to Covington for awhile, it ended up being for about a week. It was wonderful to be home, to laugh with my family, to let my dad hog Charlotte, to talk babies with my sister-in-law, to have SO MUCH help from my mom, and to be surrounded by an abundance of love and fellowship. The highlights of the trip were Saturday night football, delicious meals by my mom, and a delightful photo session with my friend Meghan. Meghan is an excellent photographer, and I had asked her if she wouldn’t mind doing some photos with Charlotte and me. It was so much fun. I actually took a shower AND dried my hair AND put on make-up…amazing I know. And I think I managed to find some clothes without spit-up or poop on them….for Charlotte and for me :) We had a ball hanging out and taking pictures. The first result is posted here: http://loquaciouslady.com/2010/11/08/have-i-told-you-lately-that-youre-barbie/\ on her blog. I love the picture but please ignore all her compliments about me.

It was hard to head home, but I was excited to get back to my husband. First we stopped in Birmingham for one last doctor’s appointment and to have an impromptu Seibels girls get together. I had SUCH a blast visiting with all my cousins. Margaret, I LOVED hearing the wedding details. You look stunning in the dress but of course you would look stunning in any dress. I just hope Barnes knows what a lucky man he is!!! I’ve counted, and we had a total of 14 girls in the house at one time. Did I mention that the Seibels can only produce girls…really great looking girls J It was so much fun. The next morning we headed to Children’s and then back to Scottsboro.

Charlotte was able to hang out with more family on Sunday. We took a day trip to Murfreesboro with Mike and Mary. First we had a delicious lunch with Mimi, Dada, and Aunt Susan. Charlotte really took a liking to Mimi, but who wouldn’t?! Next we headed to visit Freda which was great, but Becky and Carly were dearly missed. And finally we had a quick visit with KayKay, Bob, Donny and Shelia. Then we hit the road because Charlotte was getting pretty fussy. I feel extremely blessed that my sweet little girl is surrounded by a loving family.

Monday, Ben accompanied Charlotte and me to the Pediatrician for her first round of shots which she handled pretty well. Then we headed to Earth Fare. You know, things have changed when a grocery store gets you more excited than a mall! I love that store though. It makes me feel good. All the fresh, organic foods with nothing over processed or pumped with who knows what. They have so many delicious foods and options that I would NEVER find in Scottsboro. Let’s get real here; I can’t even get organic apples in Scottsboro much less quinoa or Turkish lentils. I stocked up on apples since my parents filled me in on the fact that they are one of the worst for pesticides. I also got organic eggs: say no to hormones. And I even found organic Beef and Turkey jerky which is not only delicious but a great source of the protein I dearly need. Our cart filled up rather quickly. I could have spent hours in there, but after being extremely good Charlotte began to fuss, so we decided to hit the road. I love Earth Fare till I get to the check out line and see the damage I have done to our bank account with my healthy fare. Why does healthy food have to cost an arm and a leg?!!! Here is the really crazy thing though: these days I’d rather buy organic chicken than new shoes!!!!! What is wrong with me….I guess I’m really a mom now. Anywho, it was a fun trip and I’m glad Charlotte’s first venture into a grocery store was one filled with healthy foods.

I’ve gotten all this healthy food but I know my body needs an all around healthy lifestyle, so it is my goal to start exercising again this coming Monday. I hate to begin exercising; there are so many ways to put it off. But I know if I just get off my duff and do it I will feel worlds better. Plus, my every waking (and some times sleeping) moment revolves around Charlotte. I am thinking it might be good to have 30 minutes that are spent on something else. So my plan is to feed Charlotte in the morning, hopefully around 6am or so, hand her off to Ben, and hit the treadmill and not look back until my 30-45min are done. I’ve also been thinking it might be nice to take the yoga class at Shacky’s once a week. Any encouragement or advice on working out while breastfeeding would be greatly appreciated.

Today, Ben is off to watch Auburn play Georgia and I’m here at the house with a baby who has FINALLY gone to sleep…hoping it will last longer than 30min. If she is doing OK we are going walk over to the Rhodes house to watch the game and hang out with Elizabeth, Ann, and the kids. I can’t wait. Being a mom can be very isolating and girl time seems like sheer bliss right now.

………….Geez, she just started crying again………………….

Monday November 15

Well I didn’t want to post the above without telling you the best news of the week and I haven’t had time to do it till now. My brother Henry and sister-in-law Dana gave birth to a beautiful baby girl name Amelia Estes Little. She is going to be called Lia which I think already fits her. She is absolutely beautiful and I cannot wait to meet her!! Really, I have debated driving down to Covington a few times already. Becoming an Aunt and a Mom all in one year is a pretty fabulous thing. We are headed down to Covington for Thanksgiving so I guess I’ll have to wait a bit longer before I get to meet wonderful Lia. I’m SO excited that Charlotte already has a friend. Lia is sure to be one special girl because she has two very special parents whom I love dearly. CONGRATULATIONS HENRY AND DANA!!!!!! GIVE LIA LOTS OF KISSES FROM HER FAMILY IN THE BORO!!!!!

"Light up your face with gladness/ Hide every trace of sadness/ Although a tear may be ever so near/ That's the time you must keep on trying"

2010-11-05T16:06:00.002-05:00

I have decided to write my next blog in two parts, because I doubt that Charlotte’s nap or my brain will last long enough to get all my thoughts into one blog.

PART ONE: more on Charlotte’s prognosis

I am not sure if I have told you all this or not…sorry if I am repeating myself. When we discovered that Charlotte had Spina Bifida, the ultra sound revealed a lesion that was thought to be 1cm by 1cm and in the sacral region. It was the most severe form of SB but in the “best” location. To repeat information that I mentioned in earlier blogs; the doctors told us that with a sacral lesion her bowel and bladder would be most affected and the feet would possibly be involved. After Charlotte’s birth, they discovered that the lesion was four times the size they had thought. It sounds a bit shocking, but we knew the ultrasounds were approximations, and many things would be unknown till she was born.

We had our first SB Clinic this past Wednesday. It was a multidisciplinary clinic, meaning we met with most all the doctors that will be involved in Charlotte’s care. Our first appointment was a hip ultrasound, because when Charlotte was discharged the orthopedic doctor saw slight dysplasia in the left hip. We met with the OP doctor who told us her hips looked great. I know I’ve mentioned earlier that she was keeping her feet flexed upward. I thought it was much like her thumbs in that she just had tight shin muscles that needed to be stretched out. This is not the case. The OP doctor explained that Charlotte’s lesion was actually lower lumbar; meaning the nerves that go to her calves are not functioning. He assured us that she would walk but that she would need braces on her shins to keep from rocking forward. He also said there seemed to be a lack of lower back muscle which means she may need canes that attach to the wrist to keep her steady. But how much back muscle she has is still hard to determine since she is so young. He wanted us to continue daily stretching out her ankles so that they do not get into a locked position. They do not like to brace the ankles until the child is starting to pull up because they feel that braces may impede with normal baby development. I want to clarify that these are life long needs. In other words, she will be wearing braces for the rest of her life because it is not that the muscles need strengthening but rather that the muscles are not functioning due to lack of nerve activity.

We also met with neurology who said she was doing very well. But they want us to keep a close watch, because shunt malfunction rate is over 50 percent in the first year. We also discovered that if the shunt malfunctions, it typically takes several replacement surgeries before a new shunt will function properly. Scary to hear but I continue to pray for strength and peace from all these fears. We meet with several other people and then last with the rehabilitation doctor. The rehab doctor agreed with the OP doctor that Charlotte should be able to walk with braces. He did warn us not to go by traditional child development. Charlotte would most likely take longer to walk than the average child (maybe around 2) and would do things at her own pace. It was a long day, and I’m glad that we get a break for 6 months till the next clinic.

Yesterday (Thursday) we went back to Children’s to meet with our Urology doctor and to test Charlotte’s hearing since she failed the first test when she was in the NICU. The Urology test was to assess bladder function and make sure she was not retaining urine, which can be detrimental to the kidneys. Basically, a catheter is inserted in both the anus and urethra. The bladder is then filled with a special liquid and x-rays are taken. The doctor told us that Charlotte can hold an appropriate amount of liquid, and she is not currently retaining. She actually leaks both urine and stool pretty constantly. With her, there is no such thing as a clean diaper but a less dirty diaper. This test is done yearly unless she starts to have urinary tract infections. I honestly thought the test would be miserable, but she handled it all great. In fact, she didn’t flinch. My dad and I have been wondering how much feeling she has at her rectal and urinary openings. Other factors and the test have made it evident that she does not have sensation in these areas, much like her feet. This means I must be vigilant about watching and assessing her because she will not be able to feel if she has issues in these areas. It is like her feet in that if her shoes are too small or she has a splinter she will not know it. After urology we had the hearing screen. It lasted almost two hours because Charlotte had to be totally still with things stuck all over her head and in her ears. She did not like it at all. It was a miserable process, but I’m happy to say that her hearing is just fine.

SB is a discovery. No doctor can tell you exactly how your child will function. We will have to wait to see, and waiting is hard and scary. When we were at the hospital, I saw a beautiful girl around five who had SB. The defect was most likely in a similar area as Charlotte’s, because she could walk but was wearing braces. It was a comfort and hard to see her all at one time. I saw some of my daughter’s possible future. I love Charlotte beyond measure and think she is perfect. I will love her no matter what. I am fully aware that she is blessed. She will walk, she currently does not have to have catheters, she has a huge support system, and she has a loving heavenly Father. But I grieve too. I can’t help but be a little sad that she won’t be able to take ballet, that at some point in her life some one ignorant will probably make fun of her braces, that she will have to work at things most children can do easily, that cartwheels will probably not be in her future. I try not to think about if she will be able to dance at her own wedding. I know that she will surprise me in so many ways. She already has. Her resilience and sweetness take my breath away. I know we will find other hobbies and she will excel in her own way. But for a moment I have to shed some tears.

I am fully aware that God works in miraculous ways. That any child is born is a miracle to me. I would be eternally grateful if God chose to fully heal Charlotte of all her issues. However, I think my role as her mother is to accept the things God has placed in my life. He has given me this wonderful, all together perfect angel baby to care for. My daily bread is Charlotte with Spina Bifida. I am asking Him for wisdom, patience and strength on raising her just as she is. The miracle that I am daily praying for is the battle that Charlotte will one day have. Charlotte probably will not notice that much is “wrong” with her for awhile. But one day she will have the knowledge that in the eyes of medicine she is not whole and perfect, in the eyes of the world she functions differently. She will have a choice to make. She can rail against this body God has given her and think He loves her less because of it. Or, she can choose to accept her body as is and realize that God created her just as He wanted her: “I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” It will not be an easy thing for a teenager in a world so bent on bodily perfection to do, but it is the miracle I pray for. I pray that her struggle will make her know Christ more fully, and that He will use her to advance His kingdom in mighty ways. Of course, I will be beyond ecstatic if I wake up tomorrow and Charlotte no longer has SB. But the miracle that I am seeking for my daughter is acceptance and heart that loves and seeks to glorify the King of kings.

"To the country I'm going/ Lay and laugh in the sun/ You can bring, bring your guitar along/ We'll sing some songs, we'll have some fun"

2010-10-26T14:20:00.002-05:00

It’s that time again….time where I have a few moments to update you all on the daily goings on around here.

We had a very eventful Sunday night (Oct. 17). I’d like to preface the story by telling you all that Charlotte is doing very well. In fact, she is snoozing away on our bed. I’m hoping the nap will last long enough for me to write this blog!! Two Sunday nights ago Charlotte was unusually wakeful. Typical she is starting to snooze pretty good by 7pm, and we put her in her crib at around 8pm. Well, she was so wakeful that it was more like 9pm when Ben went to take her downstairs to bed. I remained in our upstairs bonus room as he headed for the stairs. On his way down he slipped and fell…with Charlotte. He fell back so most of the impact hit his back but it was enough of a fall to knock Charlotte out of his arms and onto the steps. By the time I got there (heart had pretty much stopped), he was getting up and she was still on a step…not crying. When a baby gets hurt or jarred I expect them to cry, in fact I want them to cry. I picked her up. Her arms were rigidly held out from her body, and her eyes were staring at the ceiling. She was nonresponsive, and it was extremely scary. I called my parents who advised me to either call an ambulance or go to the hospital immediately. Charlotte stayed in this odd state for at least five minutes and then fell asleep in the car seat.

I drove to the hospital very fast, and the only words I could utter were “please God” over and over and over. We reached the hospital at about 9:30pm. After telling the doctor and nurses the situation, Charlotte received a physical exam and had to have a CT scan. To make a long story short, at around 1:45pm we were discharged when all exams came back normal. I will say it was the longest 4 hours of my life. My mom, who had driven down very late that night, came with Charlotte and me to a follow up pediatrician appointment the next morning. Our doctor gave her a clean bill of health but told me we did the right thing by taking her to the emergency room.

I have been praying for God to teach me many things, but I did not expect Him to do it through my child. Often I ask Him why it can’t be me, but I will admit that nothing brings me to my knees faster than issues with my daughter. I am daily repeating the verse: “For Thou hast tried us, O God; Thou hast refined us as silver is refined. Thou didst bring us into the net; Thou didst lay an oppressive burden upon our loins…we went through fire and through water; Yet Thou didst bring us into a place of abundance” (Psalm 66:10-12). Unfortunately, I don’t get to choose how I reached the “place of abundance.” I must merely hold all with an open hand and allow God to refine me the way He sees fit. I question God when He involves Charlotte in this refinement, but then I must remember that He created her for this purpose. And it gladdens my heart that Charlotte, who is still so young, has already glorified God.

On a lighter note, I was able to have an incredibly wonderful weekend with my parents. They came up late Thursday night and stayed through Saturday. During this visit, we found that Charlotte has a favorite. Is it her mother who feeds her and gets up in the middle of the night with her??? NOPE. Is it her father who plays with her and helps sooth her when she cries??? NOPE It is Papa (my Dad) who we have also dubbed Baby Hog. Friday morning she smiled like she has NEVER smiled before at him. Her face lighting up with every word he said. My mom and I tried lots of baby talk, but she only had eyes for my dad. We were all pretty jealous, but if she has to like a man she picked a great one!! She has finally started to smile at me more but I still have to work at her grins unlike my father.

Saturday, we all headed up to Gorham’s Bluff for a box lunch. Charlotte was pretty unhappy the whole ride up. She does not like her car seat and will rarely take a pacifier, so road trips are a bit long and stressful at the moment. However, once we arrive I fed her and put her in the Moby where she was happy as a clam. We ate delicious fried chicken and fresh crisp apples on the back porch over looking the valley. We then headed for a little hike which made my mom neurotic when we were any where near a cliff edge. It was wonderful to get away from the house and outside into the beautiful fresh air. I was beginning to get a bit stir crazy cooped up in the house 24-7, and the trip was the perfect antidote.

My parents had to hit the road after our adventure. But I wasn’t too sad, because we are head to B’ham for a doctor visit and then I’m headed to Covington with my mom for the WEEK!!! I’m so excited. We are going to have a late celebration of my brother’s birthday, sew Christmas stockings for Charlotte and Lia, and I’m even going to get my hair cut which I haven’t done in months. Oh, and I forgot; Charlotte’s first Halloween will be in Covington. She is going to be a ballerina because I’m in love with her TuTu. We’ll be getting back into town Nov. 4. The following Monday she gets her first round of shots which mean FREEDOM. Not that we’ll be gallivanting around town all day, but it will be nice not to be quite so house bound.

I hope everyone has a fun Halloween…I’m hoping to eat ridiculous amounts of candy!

P.S. I forgot to say that my Chunky Monkey was a whopping 9 lb at her pediatrician’s appointment. This growing up stuff happens way too fast.

"Give thanks with a grateful heart, Give thanks to the Holy One"

2010-10-17T14:34:00.002-05:00

Another blog written while Charlotte sleeps on my chest. Things haven’t changed much since my last blog, except my perspective. I want to thank all of you who responded to my last post. Your words were so encouraging. To know that each of you raised your children in different ways and they are all thriving is so comforting.

I’m realizing that I’m in a new season of my life, and with each new season comes changes. I was fighting the fact that my days couldn’t follow my old schedule. Now I realize that this new season is filled with so many blessings, and I need to enjoy them. This past week I spent some great time with Charlotte, playing instead of vacuuming. I relaxed with Ben at night instead of worrying about laundry, and I spent time praising God for how much He has blessed me. I tried rejoicing instead of complaining. I also realized that there are many qualities of a Godly wife that I can do now because they do not require time but heart changes. I am praying to be more patient, seeking Godly wisdom even in the mundane tasks, trying to support and lift up my husband, striving to find joy in the small things, and asking God to reveal the areas in my life that still need to be broken.

This week I didn’t get tons done, but I tried to quit being bogged down and take comfort in the few accomplishments I did make. Those small accomplishments were mainly limited to feeding, soothing, bathing, playing, and loving on Charlotte. However, I did manage a major grocery run and a few dinners. I made the decision to buy organic chicken. I know, big step for me, especially since the meat ran at least $5 more. I decided that if I purchased the organic version, I would have to find a way to “make up” or recoup the extra spending. Well, I typically eat a sandwich everyday for lunch and buy prepackaged deli meat. This meat is not cheap and is packed with sodium. So, I cooked an organic fryer to use for sandwich meat and to make chicken salad. The carcass is still in the fridge because I plan on making bone stock. Homemade bone stock is not only cheaper but also filled with more flavor and best of all more nutrients.

My healthy cooking efforts also extended to sweet potato chili. I am sure some of you are thinking the combo sounds odd. But here was my thinking: I was looking for recipes that were relatively cheap and easy to make while being healthy and good sources of protein. It’s a lot to ask of a recipe, but I have to say the chili met the bill and tasted great to boot. Next week I’m going to do some grilled chicken and roasted cauliflower, and maybe some Brussels sprouts for diversity. If anyone has some recipes that fit my above criteria, I’d love to here them!!!

Before I go, or more correctly before Charlotte starts to demand food, I’d like to share a praise. The other day I was feeding Charlotte. Often while I do this, I stretch her feet out because she is keeping them flexed in at all times. I started tickling her leg, and there it was: MOVEMENT in her big toe on her left leg. I tickled her again to make sure there was actual movement and I wasn’t just seeing what I wanted, and YES it moved again. Near to tears, I ran upstairs to show Ben!! Some of you might think “calm down Ess; it is just a toe.” But I have never seen her toes wiggle like normal little babies do and didn’t know if I ever would. She does not respond to me touching her feet. Hopefully, this new movement will continue to get stronger. It is a very small movement, but to me it’s a huge miracle. That is one of the things I love about being Charlotte’s mom. I feel like I’m experiencing miracles daily. Every new thing she does amazes me, and I praise God for His “fearfully and wonderfully made” creation. Just the other day I was reading my bible out loud while Charlotte slept in my lap. All of the sudden I heard her giggle in her sleep. It was the best sound I have ever heard.

"We can't see what's ahead/ And we can not get free from what we've left behind"

2010-10-11T19:42:00.003-05:00

Well, I had planned on writing this blog yesterday, but fatigue, laundry, and the demands of a baby kept me at bay. I had planned on writing this blog earlier today, but thank you notes, gathering addresses, and once again, the demands of a baby kept me from the plan. Ah, the best laid plans, right?? Charlotte is currently napping on my chest as I try to barely reach the keyboard and type. This is not the optimal situation, but every time I have moved her from napping on my body to some other area she has lasted about five minutes before wailing. Some might say let her cry. Well, I am weak and guilt motivated, and she is entirely too cute. So, I just pick her right back up and give her what she wants. Lord help me when I have to start disciplining this child, because right now I’m a total push over!

We’ve been doing well this last week. Charlotte made her first trip to Covington to see her Little grandparents. She seemed to greatly enjoy her time. She hardly slept a wink during the day for all the exciting activity. I was also able to attend a shower for my sister-in-law Dana while I was there. My first social outing was great. Many of the same women who hosted the shower for me where hosting this one, and they once again out did themselves. The food was divine and the fall décor was stunning. I left Charlotte in the care of Ben, my father, my grandfather, and my brother Henry. Four men and a baby is pretty scary, right??? But, she seemed fine when I got home, so I’ll deem them responsible babysitters J

After our wonderful weekend in Covington, Mary, Charlotte and I headed to the pediatrician for Charlotte’s one month check up. She was doing great and weighing in at a whopping 7lb 9oz. I swear she has had a growth spurt this week because for six days straight she was demanding to be fed every 2 hours!!! Now I love my little girl, but this is a lot of feeding. It flat wore me out. The little chub-O finally seemed to slow down while visiting with her Bratton grandparents and great grands in Hollywood.

Maybe I am speaking to soon. She has just started making sucking noises and is now awake and crying, and it has been exactly two hours since her last feeding!!!! Oh goodness, will my life always be limited to 30min intervals in between feedings!!!!!!!!!!!!

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An hour and a half later: Well, after feeding and bathing Charlotte, feeding Ben and myself, and losing a bit of hair in the process (she has quite a death grip) I’m back to finish what I stared.

This is going to make some of you laugh. I had read Baby Wise before Charlotte was born and thought it made great sense and was determined it would be our feeding method. Hahahahaha. Surgery, days in the NICU and low birth weight seemed to ruin those plans. I flipped through it the other night to see if I was doing anything right, nope. Actually that is how I feel a lot these days, like I just can’t do it right. I don’t know; maybe all new moms feel this angst. Baby Wise confirms that my feeding methods leave much to be desired.

I have also been reading Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow. I started reading it to try to get on the right path to becoming the wife and mother that God has called me to. The book is great and very convicting, but often times after reading it I feel like a failure. I wonder why I can’t do all those things that make it into the author’s week (she has three children btw). She exhorts women to spend time with God (memorize scripture, bible reading, prayer), revere their spouse (write them letters, date nights), spend quality time with children (do crafts, play), keep an orderly house (clean and plan time wisely), maintain self (exercise ones body and mind), and devote time to others (volunteer, church programs). Now, I agree with all this but am utterly overwhelmed by trying to accomplish it. I have trouble getting out of PJs and into real clothes some days. I always feel insufficient and guilty. If I’m playing with Charlotte, I wonder if I should really be cleaning the bathroom. If I’m writing thank you notes, I wonder if I should go play with Charlotte. If I’m chilling with Ben at night, I think about how I should be ironing laundry. Also, I know full well that God does not get the time He deserves, though I am working on that. As I’m blogging, I’m wondering if I should be using my time in other ways.

I know that we can not do anything God call us to on our own. I’m praying and trying to lean on Christ but still end up feeling that hardly any of the things I wanted to get accomplished happen in a day. When you are feeding a baby every two hours you have maybe 45minutes in between, and even if it is every three hours you only have about 1hr and 15min to accomplish all the tasks at hand. The time between feedings seems to slip through my fingers and I have no clue what happens to it. Not to mention that I’m typically exhausted most of the day. I really want to start working out and getting back into shape, but how on earth do I find the energy to do that??? Am I just lazy???

I have friends with children and I read blogs of mothers who seem to be doing all this. Am I just missing the boat??? I’d love some tips from you moms out there. How do you all delight in God, submit to your husband in love, wisely raise your children, look nice, keep an orderly home, and give to others? ANY advice would be much appreciated. I think some times I just worry too much. I have an emotional battle every time I buy chicken wondering if I should spend the extra on organic or be frugal and buy the stuff pumped with hormones; either choice I make I’ll leave wondering if I acted wisely.

Don’t misunderstand. I love this new role of motherhood and wouldn’t trade it for all the designer shoes in Saks J. Charlotte is such a joy. I can’t believe she is 6 weeks old today. The time goes by way too fast. I just desperately want to raise Charlotte in a home that glorifies God and am wondering the how to apply the traits of the Godly woman in proverbs to my life.

The following song has really spoken to me lately:

HARD to GET by Rich Mullins

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

"Be still and know that He is God/ Be still and know that He is holy/ Be still, O restless soul of mind"

2010-09-28T19:59:00.001-05:00

Finally, Fall has arrived!!! Charlotte, Lilly, and I took a wonderful stroll this morning to bask in the crisp air. I have to say that trying to walk Lilly and push the stroller can be a bit difficult, but it was worth it. The movement puts little Char right to sleep, but I think she likes the fresh air. Ben and I ate lunch on the porch and I put her in her bouncer outside, which she seemed to enjoy greatly.

I meant to tell you all about our UAB visit before now, but the days seem to go by so fast. We went September 20th to Children’s Hospital, so that Charlotte could have a CAT scan to check the ventricle size. Ben and I packed up and headed to Birmingham on Monday morning. We stopped at my Grandparent’s house to eat lunch and let Charlotte meet more of the family. It was such a great time, and my sweet amazing grandmother had prepared things she knew I love: lady peas and a huge fruit salad. I have such awesome family. We then headed to the hospital. I, of course, was nervous as always, but God reminded me of the futility of my anxiety by providing us with a great report. The neurosurgeon informed us that the ventricles had indeed gone down and that all her incisions looked great. And she was up to 6lb 6oz already. The Great Physician has provided, and provided. Why do I worry when such a merciful and mighty God is in control? Our next visit to Children’s is Oct. 27 for an all day affair. I am going back to Birmingham before that (Oct. 8) to attend a seminar on Spina Bifida. I’ll keep you posted on how it all goes.

While I’m on the subject of hospitals and such, I’d like to inform everyone on Charlotte’s latex issues. Children with SB have such a high incidence of latex allergies that they are treated as if they have the allergy, whether we know or not. It’s often called latex precautions. Basically, we have to act like Charlotte is allergic even though we don’t know and keep things containing natural rubber latex (NRL) away from her. I thought latex was many in some hospital supplies but have found that it is in a lot of house hold products. Even things I would never guess, like newspaper print, gum, Band-Aids, pacifiers, and many toys. I have spent a fair amount of time researching items I have purchased or intended to purchase to make sure they do not contain latex. It can be difficult because often the packaging does not say, so I have had to call manufacturers. Like most allergies the first reaction is usually not as severe and often forms a rash. However, continuing exposure causes increasingly worse reactions. I wanted to make family and friends aware of this issue, so we can all try to keep these products away from her.

Now on to life at home…

I really can’t believe we have been home for two weeks and Charlotte is now 4 weeks old. Thursday she will be a month old!!! Well, I survived my mom leaving, though I still miss her desperately and call her all the time. Last week Charlotte and I had some rough moments, but I think we are both getting better at figuring each other out. Tuesday of last week she kept crying, and I was feeling like such a failure. It was one of those moments where she was crying, I was crying, and I was wishing she could just tell me what was the matter. But I finally got her settled down and after talking with my mom and my friend Ann I realized that those kinds of days are normal. Charlotte has bad days just like I do.

The nights have been a little longer as well. That first week with my mom, Charlotte was great. She never fussed going to bed and slept a solid four hours between feedings. I think she was still fatigued from her tough first weeks of life. Now she has bad nights of crying and sometimes only sleeps two hours between feedings. One night recently, I knew she was extremely tired, but every time I tried to put her down she would start crying. I proceeded to call my mom for her all knowing advice. My mom asked me if I had let Charlotte “cry it out”. I proceeded to say yes. She then asked me how long I had let her cry. I replied, “A little under a minute.” I know many of you moms are laughing right now at my definition of letting her cry it out! My mom told me I could let her go a bit longer than a minute and hooray, it worked. She cried and then went right to sleep. This doesn’t always work but on many occasions she just needs to cry for a minute or two before conking out.

The long nights can be pretty fatiguing. Today, I was so tempted to crawl back into bed and almost did…but then she started crying. Alas, I think that is just how it goes in motherhood. Some nights I think “how am I going to make it through?” And then I go to her crib and see my tiny little baby and think, “Well duh, I can do this, I mean look at how fabulous she is.” I’m still exhausted, but she is so cute looking at me with those massive eyes that the 2am diaper change doesn’t seem so bad. I am convinced that that is why God made babies so adorable: so their mom’s would think all those sleepless nights were worth it!!! And how can I complain? I prayed and prayed that she would be a good breast feeder and that she would start packing on the pounds…well ounces. So, if she wants to feed every two hours one night then I should be saying “thank you God” every time I hear here start to cry.

She was pretty tired Monday, because we had several visitors this past weekend. My brother Will and his girlfriend Nadia came Friday and spent the night. It was their first time to meet Charlotte. It was so much fun to have them. Charlotte even let me make it through most of dinner before demanding to be held. I knew Will would make a wonderful Uncle, and he is already so good with her. She loves faces, and I think Nadia’s was fun for her to see. Unlike her pale, blond mom, Nadia is tan with beautiful long, dark hair which seemed to fascinate Charlotte. They left way to soon Saturday morning but we are hoping they come again soon. Justin, Faith, and their daughter Sadie came by later Saturday. How great it was to visit with them, and it was wonderful to have a toddler in the house. It was funny because Sadie did not like her mom holding Charlotte. However, Faith is expecting, so she is hoping that the jealousy is not lasting. I loved seeing Sadie so active and verbal. I still can’t get over the fact that before I know it Charlotte will be there too.

Late Saturday afternoon my grandparents from Dalton came for a visit. After all the morning activities Charlotte slept like a rock in Grammie’s arms. It was wonderful to visit with them and introduce them to their first girl great-grandchild. (though they will have another one in November-Yeah Lia!) I feel so blessed to still have both sets of Grandparents and have them be a part of Charlotte’s life. With Sunday, came another round of visitors. Ben’s grandparents (MiMi and DaDa) and his Aunt Susan came to meet the newest addition to the Barber family. It was another fabulous visit. Charlotte seemed to love the company, and I definitely did. She even tried to stay awake for most of their visit. Every time Charlotte is with extended family, I realize how blessed our family is. We are surrounded by so much love and many, many, prayers. There are still some family members she has yet to meet, and I’m looking forward to more introductions.

You all have been so faithful to pray and encourage Ben and me. Thank you. I’d love your continued prayers for the three of us, but I’d also like to ask you to pray for some friends of ours. Michelle Clark passed away suddenly Sunday evening leaving behind a husband, two young sons, and much family who loved her dearly. She was a member of the Thompson family, all of whom I love dearly. I have cried often these past few days thinking about her family and the great sorrow that surrounds them now. My heart goes out to her sons and husband. I cannot begin to imagine the despair. I find myself asking “Why God?” She was so young, and she had children. I often don’t understand the path that God is leading us on, but I know He is sovereign and good in all things. I am trusting Him to provide for this family that I love. I ask that you pray for Michelle’s family to find peace when life does not make sense, to find comfort when despair is drowning them, to find hope when all seems dark, to feel God’s presence. You all have been such faithful prayer warriors for me, and I ask that you do the same for this family.

"Homeward bound, Home where my thought's escaping, Home where my music's playing, Home where my love lies waiting silently for me"

2010-09-16T19:52:00.003-05:00

Has it really been a week home with Charlotte?! I’m having a hard time believing it. As many of you know, we “roomed-in” at Children’s Hospital with Charlotte last Wednesday. It was not the best night/day of our lives. For most of Thursday morning/afternoon, we thought we were going to have to stay another night…and Ben and I weren’t taking this news well at all. But, God in His grace allowed the doctors to OK our departure. Oh the relief!! Our baby girl would be outside for the first time in her life, and then she would get to see her home. We stopped by my grandparent’s house on the way out, so I could feed her before the rest of our journey. Thank you Granny and Granddaddy! My wonderful grandparents opened up their home to us for two weeks. They gave us a comfy bed, many meals, and encouraging company. It was the hardest two weeks of my life, but I can’t imagine how it would have been had we not had their home as a resting place. God has blessed me with some amazing family!

We finally left Birmingham around 5pm. Charlotte was wonderful during the journey. The car seat seems to lull her to sleep. We arrive at our house with a wonderful greeting committee of Mike, Mary, Beth, my mom, and Lilly (our pup). Charlotte let me show her a little bit of the house before breaking down and demanding to be fed. That night, my mom convinced me to let Charlotte sleep in the crib promising that she would listen out for her. It made me a bit nervous (she looks so tiny compared to that big crib), but I knew I needed rest and that Charlotte was in great hands. The night passed with no surprises and a few sleepy feedings.

My wonderful mom agreed to stay with me for the week. How will I ever repay her?!! She says I’ll pay it forward; do this for Charlotte one day. She has been amazing, and Ben and I are pretty sad and scared that we only have one more day with her help. We always need our parents no matter how old we are. I really don’t know what I would have done without my parents through this trial. They have been such a comfort and source of strength for me. I love you more than words can ever hope to express, Mom and Dad!! My hope is that Charlotte will feel the same love, comfort, and security from Ben and me that I felt with my own parents.

Friday, my wonderful mother accompanied me to the Pediatrician’s office for Charlotte’s first check-up. Her discharge weight was 5lb 10oz and I was hoping that it was close to the same since it had only been a day. The nurse placed her on the scale and she weighed 4lb 9oz. I thought I was going to throw up!!! My mom gave me a look that said “something’s not right.” The Pediatrician checked her and then noticed the weight discrepancy. He assured me that even if I had not fed her at all she couldn’t lose a pound in a day. He then proceeded to weigh her again, she was a nice 5lb 12oz and I felt SO much better. I have worried and worried over her weight and eating habits. That is the hard thing about breastfeeding, I have no idea how much she is actually getting. We go back to the Pediatrician tomorrow to check weight gain. I’m hoping she is at least up to her birth weight of 5lb 15oz. I antagonize a good deal over it, but my mom keeps assuring me that she is looking chubbier and has plenty of dirty diapers.

Speaking of dirty diapers…Charlotte is a “good” baby. She is not super fussy, seems to sleep well, and is fairly predictable with feedings. However, she HATES having her diaper changed. She screams like mad most of the time, which usually forces a little more poop out. The other day it landed straight in my hand!! I think she did it on purpose. :) The only thing that will half way calm her is if we place her on her side. She feels the same about bath time which merely consists of a sponge bath. She is extremely unhappy till we place her on her stomach, and then it is like a switch, calm again. It’s funny how you think you will train your children but before you even realize it, they have trained you.

Another fun fact we have found out about Miss Charlotte is her ease with Lilly. Lilly does not particularly like Charlotte just yet. Really, Lilly is scared of her because of the crying, and I would say she is pretty jealous of all the attention Charlotte receives. However, Charlotte is doing fine with Lilly. Many things will startle her, but Lilly’s constant barrage of barks seems to have little or no effect on Charlotte. This is wonderful to me, because I was extremely worried about how nap time would play out with a dog in the house. I honestly think that Lilly will be a wonderful source of entertainment for Charlotte as she gets older.

I am greatly enjoying life at home. Many have asked me if the change is overwhelming. I have to say that even though life with a baby is a HUGE adjustment (selfishness kinda gets ripped out of you) it’s so much better than the weeks in the hospital. Yes, I am often exhausted from middle of the night feedings, but I’m getting so much more sleep than I did while in Birmingham that I really can’t complain. I’m sure there will be moments that make me frantic. I have no grandiose idea that the road ahead will be easy, but every time I look at her I know that every sleepless night and stressful day are worth it.

Ben said the other night that he still has a hard time believing we are parents. It’s funny; I have fully realized that I am mom to a wonderful baby girl. What I can’t wrap my mind around is that this little baby will grow into a walking toddler, a teenager, an adult. I am scared half to death of her getting older, though everyone keeps assuring me that every part of the journey is fun. I thought before I had children that I really wouldn’t enjoy the “baby phase.” I thought I’d find it boring and be longing for a time when my child was old enough to do crafts and such. I was wrong. I love having a baby. She is so innocent and dependent on Ben and me. I think this is why women have more children; because their child grows up and they miss the sweet simplicity of a baby. I’m sure there will be many moments when I’m praying for her to be old enough to sleep through the night, or tell me why she is crying. But for now, I find this sweet little baby filling my life with such joy.

We are headed back to Children’s on Monday. We will meet with our Neurologist, and Charlotte will have another CAT scan to check the ventricles in her brain. Hopefully, their size will be greatly reduced and the shunt will be performing to standard. I’ll try to keep you all posted with the news.

As always, I thank you for your encouragement, compassion, and prayers. I kept telling my mom and Ben at the hospital, “How am I ever going to thank everyone enough for all their support?” I realize that there aren’t the words to fully express our gratitude. May God bless you for all that you have done. Ben and I have truly seen the love and compassion of Christ displayed in your lives.

"I get on my knees/ There I am before the love that changes me/ see I don't know how but there's power/ when I get on my knees"

2010-09-05T22:50:00.004-05:00

Sunday 4pm
I’m trying to type the world’s fastest blog before I am off to the hospital again. Thursday, after I was discharged we headed off to Children’s for a quick visit with Charlotte. She was doing well though still a bit groggy. At that nights visitation we found out that she might be having the shunt surgery the next morning. I knew all along that this would most likely be the case, but it still was hard. She already had a long incision down her back and bruising from multiple IVs. It just seemed too much to ask this little thing to endure another major surgery. I was a mess most of the night trying to grapple with the reality of another surgery. It is hard to hand your child over to God’s full care even though you know His love for them is infinite. I prayed and prayed for strength and courage for myself and for protection for Charlotte. I know so many of you were praying as well, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Friday morning we found out that the shunt would indeed take place, and we headed off to the hospital at 9am. Ben warned me that Charlotte would be upset because she had not been fed since midnight due to surgery. It was so hard to see her in such distress and be totally helpless, but I knew in my heart that she was in the care of the Great Physician. We followed her down to surgery and then began the waiting process. The surgery went faster than the first, and eventually Dr. Wellens (our wonderful surgeon) came to tell us that she had done well. When I heard the news I broke down once again in relief. I wondered and have continued to wonder how I can ever thank God enough for His mercy. It is endless. Friday night I was actually able to try to feed her (holding her on her side). It was a bit overwhelming for both of us because we were both new to the game but we had some success.

Saturday was a bit better in terms of feeding, but I was utterly exhausted by the end of the night. I know so many of you have probably wondered why I haven’t called or written a blog sooner, but the days seem to be jam packed. My day usually goes from pumping early, then to the hospital till 2pm, then lunch, then pumping, then maybe a 30min break maybe not, then back to the hospital till 10pm. I don’t want to miss a second with my girl. I still choke up every time I see her at the beginning of a visit and when I have to leave. It takes my mom and Ben holding me back not to attend the visitation from 12am till 6am. But they are right; I have to take care of myself so I can fully take care of her.

Speaking of care, I have learned a bit more about how to provide for her these last two days. She is latching on and feeding much better and I’ve figured out more about reading her stats and knowing which leads go where. I’ve also been trying to change her diaper as much as possible because this is a major process. She has to have a fair amount of care in this area because the incision is so close to her bottom. The problem we are facing right now is a bad reaction to the “mud flap” (a plastic flap used to keep stool off her incision). She is developing a bad rash which a nurse warned us can become quite irritated and even bleed. Compared to everything else she has been through I guess it doesn’t seem like much, but I feel like she has already gone through plenty. Please pray that this issue would resolve itself. The other part of her care that I have not learned yet is the In and Out Catheterization. We are hoping that she doesn’t have to have this at home, but it is a definite possibility. Good news is that Charlotte has not had to have them as frequently as of late.

We are hoping that if things continue to go well we might be able to start the rooming in process. This just means we stay at the hospital a night and they teach and train us on Charlotte’s care. Ben and I are both so excited to bring her home though of course we want her to be fully ready. We can’t wait to show her off. However, she has had a rough beginning and we ask that those of you who plan of visiting please refrain for awhile if you have any type of cold or contagious illness. We are also asking that those of you who visit please apply antibacterial lotion before touching or holding her. We will provide it as that is all we seemed to be putting on our hands these days. We are trying to take as many precautions as possible since she is still in a fragile state.

I want to thank you all for your compassion, support, prayers, friendship, and the many things you have done for Ben and me. God has truly blessed us. I don’t know how to thank you properly or enough but know that I appreciate everything from the bottom of my heart, as does Ben.

Sunday 10:45pm
Just got back from the hospital. I was able to feed her around 5pm which was great though she was fussy. Beth, my sister-in-law was able to come which was wonderful. She was able to see Charlotte in a more alert setting. Unfortunately, Beth was not able to hold her because now the only time she can be held is during a feeding. This is so that she can be on her stomach with no diaper covering her rash to allow it to heal faster.

After feeding and changing her I headed back to my Grandmother’s for a quick supper. I wanted to get back to the hospital fairly quickly because our nurse was going to let me bath her. The bath was good for me to learn to do but very miserable for Charlotte who bawled the whole time. After the bath I was able to feed her again. She seemed to eat well though she stayed fussy the entire time. And when we left she was still crying. It was absolutely miserable to leave with her still crying; it broke my heart. We think it is due to the fact that she has to be back on her stomach and the rash on her bottom is causing her pain. However, I fear that I didn’t feed her well enough, or that she is getting sick, or maybe I’m just not doing well at mothering. It is so hard to leave and not know why your baby is upset and not be able to sooth them. I am hoping that tomorrow morning she is doing better and that we get a positive report from all the doctors. As far as coping tonight, I’m going to try and trust God to take care of her like He has done so lovingly thus far. “Be anxious for nothing”

"Oh where you lay your head tonight, we'll roll away alone, and close on down"

2010-09-02T17:57:00.001-05:00

Quick updates while I have a moment. My c-section went well, though I can say it was not my favorite experience. They whisked Charlotte off to another room, but I could hear her cries through the door and how that made my heart sing; to know she was alive and breathing. During my surgery they brought her in for a moment so I could see her. She was perfection in my eyes. So cute with chubby cheeks and a head FULL of hair!!! They finished my surgery around 11:30am, and then I headed to recovery.

I couldn’t wait to get feeling back to my legs, so I could start the process of getting up to get to my girl. They got me to a postpartum room, and I finally got to see her again around 4:30 pm. It was wonderful. However, my day got much harder from there. We found out she would not have surgery till the following morning around 10am, and that she would be in the NICU at Children’s; not UAB where I was. This was quite a blow, because I had planned for her to be in the NICU here at UAB. It is not only just a floor away, but extremely nice with private rooms and 22 hour access. Ben informed me that Children’s NICU was a large room and the visitation hours were much more limited. This was extremely hard to find out the night before Charlotte was to have surgery.

After hearing the news, I started to get upset. This set off a very painful set of events. I’d been having sharp pains in my neck for awhile, but when I started to cry they continued to my right rib cage and made breathing a struggle. Much later with oxygen, several nurses, Ben, and my parents with me things began to calm down. My Father thought I probably had some blood in the area that was making it spasm and the neck pain was referred pain. My parents left so that I could try to get some rest. Sleep didn’t really come and around 3am I began to shake horribly (much like I did during my surgery). I tried to breath calmly knowing if I didn’t it would exacerbate my lung issues. My stats went a bit haywire so they took me off my liquid IV and did a chest x-ray. When they took me off IV I felt much better soon after. Things seemed to be getting under control. But at around 5am they did a CAT scan which sent me my chest back into spasm mode.

All this was very hard, because I knew I needed sleep in order to recover quickly so that my doctors would give me a pass to see Charlotte. That morning my parents came, and once I was feeling better my mom headed to Children’s with Ben while my Dad stayed with me so that I could sleep. I got some much needed rest (thank you Dad, you are the best…my hero) but the day stilled dragged on as we waited on the result of Charlotte’s surgery. Ben finally called me to tell me that all went well. I lost it. It was partly from relief, but mostly the fact that I still couldn’t see her and view with my own eyes that she was OK. It seemed that everyone else was getting to see her and hear her prognosis from the doctors but me. I had carried her for nine months with no separation, and now she seemed a million miles away. And on top of it all I couldn’t cry or my chest would spasm. Fortunately, my dad was there to let me cry however I could and pat me, tell me “no it isn’t fair”, but remind me I would get to see her in a few hours. Once again Dad, you are my hero. I don’t know what I would have done with out you during this process.

Finally I was able to make it to Children’s around 6pm. I not only got to see her but to have her in my lap. She has to stay on her stomach for quite awhile so I had the Boppy pillow around me with her laid across it. Those hours meant the world to me. It seems like these past few days have been both the hardest and best of my life. I can’t get over how beautiful she is. I know by medical standards she has complications, but in her mommy’s eyes there could be nothing more prefect. She is so sweet. She hardly fussed at all while I held her, and she much preferred her face in my hand rather than on the pillow. I wish I could better express the love in my heart for her but I guess all you parents out there know the feeling. It’s a love that you can never fully comprehend or express, but one that makes you better understand the Father’s love for His children.

“Oh my soul rejoice!”

*I wrote the above early yesterday morning but have been unable to post. I wanted to share a few more things.

Right now it is Thursday morning and I am packing up so that I can head to Children’s’ as soon as I am discharged. The visitation hours in the morning are from 9am to 2pm. Unfortunately, I will probably not be able to leave the hospital till around 12pm if I am lucky. This means I miss most of visitation which is killer to me. Every time I have gone to Children’s I’ve had to get a pass from the doctor which takes a VERY long time, so we haven’t gotten to be with her for a full visitation yet.

However, the moments I have had have been wonderful. Last night’s visitation was especially great, because Ben was able to have her in his lap (on the pillow of course). And, seeing her with her daddy meant so much to me. She was so tiny and content under his gaze. I also read her some poetry that I love. My mom swears she recognizes my voice because her eye brows move around when I talk to her. She also seems to like my touch which of course makes me insanely happy. I didn’t want to leave last night (even though I was already close to an hour over my pass limit) because as we were leaving she became so alert. This seems to happen before she eats and then sleep quickly follows after she has food in her tummy. I get so excited when we make eye contact. I know I don’t get to be with her as much as the normal mother and child, so I desperately want her to know me; to know that her father and I are the ones who love her the very most. It’s probably irrational but I worry that she’ll start to think one of the nurses is mom. I told my mom yesterday that it will be awhile before I’ll be able to let others hold her for extended periods of time because I am going to want to make up for all the time I’ve missed.

I’m feeling better now. Those first few days were very hard and I still get extremely worn out but I’m trying to take care of myself and eat solid meals. I know the most important thing I can do for Charlotte is give her milk, so I’m trying to make that happen. We are keeping our fingers crossed that I can begin feeding her Friday, but there are no definite answers yet. Thanks again for all the sweet comments and most especially all the prayers. We are still looking at another possible surgery tomorrow for the shunt, so we’d love if y’all would continue to pray for Charlotte.

I pray you'll be in my eyes/ And watch her where she goes

2010-08-28T10:48:00.004-05:00

I pray you'll be my eyes
And watch her where she goes
And help her to be wise
Help me to let go

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

I pray she finds your light
And holds it in her heart
As darkness falls each night
Remind her where you are

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Need to find a place
Guide her with your grace
Give her faith so she'll be safe

Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

Dear Charlotte,

You will be here so soon. How my arms long to hold you. How my eyes long to see your face. How my ears long to hear you cry for me. How my mouth longs to speak words of love to you. How my heart longs to know that you will be ok.

I have prayed for you before you even came to be. I am so thankful that God has granted the desires of my heart; that in just a few more days I will have you as my child. My love for you is greater than I knew existed, and I know it will only grow with each passing day.

When you skin your elbow and children say unkind things to you, your daddy and I are here. When you get sick and your tummy hurts, we will try to make things better. When school gets hard and the days seem long, Daddy and I will do our best to help. When friends are caddy and life gets you down, we will be right here to hold you and brush away your tears. We love you, and that will never change.

But as much as I want you to have an easy, carefree childhood, filled with happy days; my heart's desire for you is that your life would be one lived to glorify God. In your darkest hour it is He who can raise you out of the pit of sin and despair. Your father and I will always be here for you, but we know that only Christ can satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. I pray that you will know His love at a young age and cling to Him for strength. I want you to live a long, full life: to get married and have children and grandchildren. But regardless of when your life on earth is over, I want you to hear: "well done my good and faithful servant."

Charlotte, your father and I love you and are longing to me you. We will mess up many times; please forgive us. We are praying that God would light our path on this journey through parenthood, so that we could be what He desires you to have.

All the love in our hearts,
Mommy and Daddy

"For the times they are a-changin' "

2010-08-25T12:04:00.001-05:00

Last Wednesday, I had a check up with my OB in Huntsville. Normally these are very quick, non-eventful visits. However, I had a bit of a scare, because I had not only lost a few pounds but my stomach measurement had dropped by a few weeks. I started to immediately panic that Charlotte had lost weight and they would make me go in for an emergency c-section. God is sovereign and good, and after an ultra sound to check out Charlotte’s progress, they told me she was now up to 5 lb 7 oz!!!! I know these are all estimates but I was proud of my little girl. I contribute her wonderful weight gain to the chocolate molten cake with s’more ice cream I devoured the night before!!! Maybe she will be up to 6 lb by the time she is born.

After the doctor’s visit I headed to Covington for a few nights. I had some errands to run in Atlanta (a few more things to purchase for my hospital stay) and thought a trip home would be nice. It was wonderful to hang out with my parents, Henry, and Dana for a few days. The real bonus was getting to see all that Dana has done for Lia’s nursery. It is wonderful!!! The wall color is so soothing, but then there are brighter colors that any child would love. And the rug is the softest thing you have ever put your feet on. Dana has also painted a fair amount of the furniture which turned out fantastic. I’m jealous of this talent because my one attempt to paint furniture turned out rather pitiful. The crib wasn’t up yet but the room still looked amazing. I absolutely cannot wait to see it with sweet Lia inside!!!! Hopefully, Henry will post some pictures on his blog when it is finished.

My other favorite part of my trip home was a delicious dinner I enjoyed with everyone on Thursday night. Poor Ben, I haven’t been much of a cook as of late and wish he could have been with me to enjoy it all. My mom made a scrumptious artichoke and chicken dish and my brother brought a beautiful strawberry roulade for dessert. He is an excellent chef, and it seems every dish he makes is perfection. That night I said goodbye to Henry and Dana for the last time before Charlotte’s arrival. It was definitely a reality check. My heart pounded out of my chest as they drove away and I realized the next time I saw them would be with a baby!!! How quickly time passes. As I lay in my bed that night so many memories flooded me. Was it really so many years ago when Will, Henry, and I were riding through rain puddles on our bikes? When the three of us were climbing the fence to get to the pound behind our house? When we were fighting over which Saturday morning cartoons to watch? It just doesn’t seem that long ago when Henry and I were playing in leaf piles and now we’re about to be parents. It is wild to think I will be experiencing so many of these events from a mother’s perspective soon. It reminds me of words from one of our favorite movies as children: “The greatest adventure is what lies ahead. Today and tomorrow are yet to be said. The chances, the changes are all yours to make. The mold of your life is in your hands to break.” Here’s to “the greatest adventure” and the many that lie ahead!!!

Ben and I had another weekend at home which was great since they have been such a rarity this summer. We had a divine dinner with the Barber’s Friday night. Thank you, thank you Ann!!! Your house was lovely (as always), the meal was delicious, the fellowship was wonderful, and I am sorry we kept y’all up so late but we had such a great time. Thank you!!! Saturday, Ben and I both had the “nesting” instinct going on and were able to clean his car, sort books, move games to a new spot, and clean the garage. I have to give Ben full credit for the garage which had gotten to the point of ridiculous (mostly my fault) and now makes us both smile when we see how organized it is. Sunday, was a wonderful end to the weekend with a very powerful sermon by Steve and I was happy to have communion before Charlotte’s arrival. We also got to go over to Beth and Graham’s house which was tons of fun. She has done more decorating and arranging since I was there last and the house looks wonderful. I’m especially in love with a group of pug pictures she has in her library/sitting room. We were also able to eat lunch at Grill 29 which is one of my favorites. It is so nice to have family in the same town!!!

This might be a bit too much info for any guys that read my blog but I’m going to share anyway!!! Monday night Ben and I went to a movie with his parents and afterward I noticed I was a bit sore. Kind of like cramps but I didn’t think much of it. Tuesday morning I had my last OB visit in Huntsville. They decided to do a test which checks the baby’s heart rate, movement, and contractions. Of course, whenever I have any testing done I get nervous about how things are going. I was hooked up to monitors and told to press a button every time I felt Charlotte move. Her movement has always been a concern to me because she can be a bit sedentary, and with a first time pregnancy it’s very hard to know what is “normal.” I was left to do this for twenty minutes. It seemed like two hours. After a little while my Doctor came in to look at the results. She would have like to have seen more variance in Charlotte heart rate but I think since my c-section is schedule so soon it is not a huge concern. The other thing she asked was if I could feel all these contractions I was having. WHAT?!!! I thought they were just some painful jabs from Charlotte. I have to say when she showed me how regular they were I began to think I might be driving down to UAB and having the baby that day. However, my cervix is still closed (relief flooded me when she told me this), and she told me to just try and rest to prevent going into labor. And of course, to call if they got bad enough I could not talk through them or if I thought my water broke. They did get very sharp by the end of the day but were still very irregular and short. I also noticed that I was guaranteed to have one when I got up after sitting for awhile. Since I cannot have Advil…I found solace in ice cream!!! I think what I am having is prodromal labor which is basically painful Braxton-Hicks. And from what I have read, can be much worse than what I am experiencing. The pain is more annoying and fatiguing than it is anything to write home about. Thankfully, it did not keep me from sleeping like it does to some women, and it has seemed mild this morning. However, it has made me jump on the ball about packing my hospital bag!!!

I cannot believe there are only five more days till Charlotte’s arrival. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more nervous, or more excited, or more ready. Yet, I think the birth of a child is just something you have to experience to truly realize the full wonder of it all. And I am sure I will not be getting much sleep Sunday night!! Thanks for all the prayers, words of encouragement, and wonderful friendship you all have provided. I’ll try to post at least once more before the birth…unless she decides to come early. Ben and I will also try to keep everyone posted during the process, just please bear with us as there are still so many unknowns, and it will be a bit chaotic for awhile.

“May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.” –Ruth 2:12

A dream is wish your heart makes/ when you're fast asleep./ In dreams you will lose your heartache/ whatever you wish for you'll keep

2010-08-16T17:18:00.006-05:00

"Have faith in your dreams and someday
A rainbow will come shinning through.
No matter how your heart is aching
If you keep on believing
A dream is a wish that will come true."

Finally, the nursery is finished!!!

My dad gave me the art work and I LOVE it!!!

A possible going home outfit

Maybe she'll have some hair so I can use the bows :)

Uh-Oh!!! She already has a closet full of clothes!

She is taking after her mother!!!

A blanket I made...it won't stay clean for long.

I have had such fun decorating the nursery but I cannot wait until Charlotte is in her room!!! Only two more weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"To everything - turn, turn, turn/ There is a season- turn, turn, turn/ And a time for every purpose under heaven"

2010-08-11T20:06:00.001-05:00

How the time flies…and the days just get hotter and hotter. It’s so fun being pregnant when it’s 108 degrees like it is today!!! But the journey is almost over and the best is yet to come.

Another busy few weeks has past since my last blog. July 31 I had another amazing baby shower, this time in Scottsboro. The theme was “Welcome to the Nest, Charlotte.” This is perfect because I have a bit of an obsession with birds…my mom is the same way. The club house where the shower was located was decorated beautifully with flowers, baby pictures of Ben and me, delicious foods and bird décor. I once again ate my weight in yummy treats. My favorites were precious bird cake party favors my wonderful sister-in-law made. I took about 5 home and they lasted all of a few minutes!!! There are pictures on Facebook for any who are interested. Thank you so much to all the women who made the shower possible. Everything was stunning and I had an absolute ball! Best of all was being surrounded by so many women who already love Charlotte and are praying for her welfare. It was a reminder once again of just how awesomely God provides for and loves His children. How thankful I am that He led Ben and me to Riverside. We could not ask for a more wonderful and supportive church. And we are both so happy that Charlotte will grow up surrounded by such a strong body of believers.

After the shower we had a few days break and then Thursday we headed down to Birmingham for the night. Friday morning we headed off to UAB for another appointment. This time Ben’s parents were able to come, which was great because Mary had not seen an ultrasound since I was 20weeks and Mike never had. There were a few issues that arose during this time. Charlotte dropped from 16th percentile for growth to 8th (she weighed 4lb 5oz at the time). Anything under 10 is considered abnormal, so they did a few tests to make sure everything was alright. First they took pictures of the amniotic fluid which looked fine. Then they checked her “practice” breaths. Babies get their oxygen from momma, but towards the end they start practice breathing. To pass the test they have to “breathe” for 30 seconds in 30 minutes. Well, little Miss Charlotte was breathing the whole time. I think she is making sure her lungs are quite capable of crying!!! The last test was to check for movement. This took awhile but she finally did move enough to pass. The weight made me a bit nervous but the Doctor assured me that everything looked fine.

The other issue which arose was the fact that Charlotte was and still is breached. Unfortunately, this means a c-section which has now been scheduled for Aug. 30. I am extremely happy to know the date of Charlotte’s arrival. However, I am not looking forward to a c-section. I am well aware that women go through them all the time, but it is going to be tough trying to recover while my baby is in the NICU and wanting to be with her all the time. It might sound silly but I continue to pray that if it is in God’s will she would flip, and that if it is not in His will, that I would peacefully accept the surgery. I have been doing a few yoga type moves to encourage her to flip. If only you all could see me…I look hilarious in these awkward positions with my bulging belly!!! I have also tried putting ice packs around her head because I read that sometimes they move away from the cold to warmth. Oh, the lengths mothers go to!!!

I am trying not to get too stressed and focus on the wonderful reality that in just 19 more days Charlotte will be here!!! Plus, now I not only get to use the line “but Honey I’m pregnant” to Ben but I also get the added “but I have to have surgery.” Hahaha. Lately he has been saying “You don’t understand how hard it is, I have a pregnant wife at home” and thinks it is SO funny!!! But really, Ben has been great through this whole process. He has listened as I have rambled on about pregnancy symptoms, birthing fears, baby toys, and everything else that a new mom to be is surrounded by. And best of all he has kept me laughing!!! I really can’t believe we only have a couple more weeks with just the two of us. It is scary and exciting all at once. When I get nervous about how a baby will change our relationship I think about getting married. So many people are scared to get married because they wonder about the changes, but in my book, being married is so infinitely better than dating it is hard to describe. Yes, there are tough things about it, but the good FAR out weighs the bad. And getting married was following God’s plan for my life which always reaps blessings. I remind myself that there are changes ahead and hard times, but like marriage, I know that having a child is part of God’s plan for my life; therefore His grace will be boundless through it all.

Thanks to all of you who have prayed for our family throughout this process. It has meant the world to both me and Ben. We love you all and thank God for placing you in our lives. I will continue to keep you all posted as the date quickly approaches. We do not go back to UAB till the due date barring any complications, but I still have checkups in Huntsville. I’ll try to let everyone know how they go, and I will be sure to tell you if she does flip!!!

How great is our God, sing with me, How great is our God, All the world will see, How great is our God

2010-07-29T09:50:00.002-05:00

Time and time again God provides my daily bread. Why do I worry over the future when He so generously gives me what I need for the day? I'd like to share with you a piece by Elizabeth Elliot that I read during my quiet time a few days ago. It is amazing how God knew what I needed to hear and provided just that. I have decided not to paraphrase but write the piece in it's entirety hoping that it will bless you as it has me.

"My friend Judy Squier of Portola Valley, California, is one of the most cheerful and radiant women I know. I met her first in a prayer meeting at the beginning of a conference. She was sitting in a wheel chair, and I noticed something funny about her legs. Later that day I saw her with no legs at all. In the evening she was walking around with crutches. Of course I had to ask her some questions. She was born with no legs; she had artificial ones which she used sometimes, but they were tiresome, she said (laughing) and she often left them behind. When I heard of a little baby boy named Brandon Scott, born without arms or legs, I asked if she would write to his parents. She did:

'The first thing I would say is that all that this entails is at least one hundred times harder on the parents than the child. A birth defect by God's grace does not rob a childhood of its wonder, nor is a child burdened by high expectations. Given a supportive, creative, and loving family, I know personally that I enjoyed not a less-than-average life nor an average life, but as I've told many, my life has been not ordinary but extraordinary.

I am convinced without a doubt that a loving Heavenly Father oversees the creative miracles in the inner sanctum of each mother's womb (Psalm 139), and that in His sovereignty there are no accidents.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly. As humanity we see only the imperfect, underside of God's tapestry of our lives. What we judge to be 'tragic-the most dreaded thing that could happen,' I expect we'll one day see as the awesome reason for the beauty and uniqueness of our life and our family. I think that's why James 1:2 is a favorite verse of mine. Phillips' translation put it this way: 'when all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don't resent them as intruders but welcome them as friends.'

I love Joni Eareckson Tada's quote. When I saw it on the front of Moody Monthly, October 1982, I was convinced she'd penned the words of my epitaph. Now my husband David is aghast to hear me say I want it on my tombstone! Glory be!

"People with disabilities are God's best visual aids to demonstrate who He really is. His power shows up best in weakness. And who by the world's standards is weaker that the mentally or physically disabled? As the world watches, these people persevere. They live, love, trust and obey Him. Eventually the world is forced to say, "How great their God must be to inspire this kind of loyalty."

Being a Christian didn't shield my family from the pain and tears that came with my birth defect. In fact, ten years ago when David and I interviewed our parents for a Keepsake Tape, I was stunned to hear my mother's true feelings. I asked her to tell the hardest thing in her life. Her response: "the day Judy Ann was born and it still is..." And yet when we as a family look back over the years, our reflections are invariably silenced by the wonder of God's handiwork. Someday I hope to put it in a book and I know it will be to the glory of God.

Getting married and becoming a mother were dreams I never dared to dream, but God, the doer of all miracles intended that my life be blessed with an incredible husband and three daughters. Emily is nine, Betsy will soon be seven, and Naphtalie Joy is four. I've decided that every handicapped person needs at least one child. They are fantastic helpers and so willing to let me 'borrow their legs' when I need help.

You as a family have been chosen in a special way to display His unique Masterwork. I pray that your roots of faith will grow deep down into the faithfulness of God's Loving Plan, that you will exchange your inadequacy for the Adequacy of Jesus' resurrection power, and that you will be awed as you witness the fruits of the Spirit manifested in your family.'"

Refrigerator Art

2010-07-22T20:33:00.001-05:00

Well it’s been awhile since my last post, and I’ll try to catch everyone up on the goings on around here. Somehow I thought that since I was pregnant, life would move a bit slower, but really I feel like life couldn’t be crazier!!!!

On June 24th I had a baby shower in Covington hosted by some wonderful friends. I can’t tell you all how lovely everything was. Not only was the décor stunning but the food was delicious. My friend Claire made her mother’s famous chocolate mousse, which I can eat by the pound and my friend Meghan made Oreo truffles…which I did eat by the pound!!! There were also a host of wonderful gifts for Charlotte and me. But best of all, I was surrounded by some of the most important women in my life. Many of the ladies who came helped raise me at Trinity or were encouragers in my life during those tough high school years. It is amazing to me that God has blessed me and now Charlotte with such a strong group of Godly women. They were central in teaching me what it means to be a Godly woman and it gives me great peace and joy to know that they will also pray, encourage, and help disciple Charlotte in Godly ways. For more pictures and information on the party I’m going to refer you to my wonderful friend Meghan’s blog post: http://loquaciouslady.com/2010/06/30/they-did-name-her-after-a-queen/. Big thanks to all the women who made the shower such a wonderful affair!!!

I came back home Friday after the shower and proceeded to start packing for Canada. It is a trip that I look forward to every year, but this year seemed special. Maybe it’s all the hormones but I felt such a strong need to be surrounded by all my family. Ben and I spent the night in Chattanooga and my mom picked me up Tuesday morning to start the long (around 19hr) drive. We had a blast driving up together…or at least I did. We talked until Ohio where we stopped at a wonderful sewing store. It was great, filled with smock dress patterns, silk ribbon, and an array of wonderful books. About 1.5 hr later we were on our way again. The next day we picked up my Dad in Toronto and began the last leg of our trip. We finally arrived at Manakiki and started to unpack. A few surprises greeted us when we got there. A grouse had flown through the newly screened porch and unfortunately died there. We also found a dead bat in the main cabin, and my parent’s sleeping cabin had been home to a porcupine all winter which had eaten their rug and used the cabin as a bathroom. A few things to deal with, but we were on Ahmic!!!

Henry, Dana, and Ben arrived Thursday, and Will did not make it in until Saturday. Finally my whole family was together and I enjoyed every minute of it. Well…almost every minute. :) Sharing one bathroom with seven people can get a bit cramped, and there were moments when I longed for the conveniences of electricity in the form of a fan and air conditioning. However, we had a blast swimming, kayaking, fishing, cooking, roasting marshmallows, reading, playing Rummikub, laughing, boating, and being together. I was very sad to leave, and both Ben and I agreed that we could definitely have stayed at least another week. Plus, the trip home was pretty rough. Henry, Dana, Ben, and I headed home Saturday July 10. We were flying out of Buffalo, NY and gave ourselves plenty of time to get through the border and make our flight which was suppose to depart a little after 6pm. We got to the gate around an hour ahead and proceeded to wait, and wait, and wait. Finally, around 7pm they told us there was a problem with the plane and were trying to fix it. Many grueling hours later we boarded a new plane and left Buffalo around midnight. Ben and I did not make it home until 5am central. We were both exhausted, and it took me the whole week to recover from the debacle.

Thursday July 15th, we headed to Birmingham for a long weekend. I had another doctor visit, and we also had birthing classes. My grandparents had already headed off to Canada and given us the generous offer of staying at their house. It worked out wonderfully, because not only do they keep the fridge stocked full of ice-cream, but they also have a pool which we enjoyed to the hilt. Friday morning we had the doctor visit at UAB, and all went well. Charlotte is growing…though she is on the small side, and all looks as it should. The only blip in the visit was finding out she is breached. We are of course hoping she turns around but no matter what, it is looking like I will be induce or (if she is stilled breached) have a c-section sometime in my 39 week barring any other complications. My next appointment is in three weeks.

The birthing class was VERY long but also quite informative. I found much of the information helpful yet was a bit overwhelmed with all that one has to go through. Maybe ignorance is bliss, because the video on the epidural freaked me out!!! I consider myself pretty tough when it comes to medical stuff but I guess it’s the idea of something going into your spine. Many of you are probably thinking “wait, I thought she wanted to labor drug free???” Well I did, but when I found out I would most likely be induced I started to forgo the idea of drug free labor. Why? Because inducing creates stronger contractions and many times lengthens push labor by HOURS. And of course, if I have a c-section I will most definitely have an epidural. This is not the process I had in mind when I first found out I was pregnant, and I have had moments of sadness when I think I won’t get to tell Ben I’m in labor and we rush off to the hospital. But I’m realizing that acceptance is the path to peace. Things might not go the “typical” way with this labor, but I trust the doctors that God has placed in my life and the end result is still fabulous: CHARLOTTE!!!!!!!!!!!

In the class we also were able to tour UAB’s new facilities. The Women and Infants building is amazing!!! The labor and delivery rooms are huge and feel more like hotel rooms than a hospital. And best of all was the NICU. Each infant has a small private room with an NICU incubator, chair, and loveseat. There is typically one nurse for every one to two babies. This eased my mind so much. It was great to know that there would be a place to breastfeed and watch Charlotte sleep :) I am extremely impressed with both the facilities and staff at UAB hospital. God continues to provide!!!

A few more doctor visits and Charlotte will be here. I still can’t believe I only have around 5 ½ weeks to go!!! Everyone told be by the time I was in my 9th month I’d be ready to deliver, but I’m not so sure. Yes, I am looking forward to taking Advil again and not waking up screaming from leg cramps, but am I really ready??? I am still in shock that I’m going to be a mom and have a tiny little infant to take care of. A friend asked me if I was scared because of Charlotte’s complications. I would have to say somewhat, but really I think if Charlotte was the healthiest baby in the world I’d still be in a bit of a panic. Being a parent is such a huge responsibility, and I only hope I can provide her with the kind of love, support, and care that my parents gave me. I am frightened of the responsibility but thrilled at the prospect of holding and loving her. Oh well, ready or not, here she comes!!!

I pray that God would give me strength for those two weeks at the hospital, that He would give me peace as she is in surgery, that He would give me comfort if complications should arise, and that He would give me wisdom as I try to raise this sweet baby girl to glorify Him. It is a lot to ask but I found that there are no limits to His generosity. God’s grace in my life continues to overwhelm me and His sovereignty has been my comfort.

“Your little kid comes home from kindergarten.
He say’s “Mom, I drew a picture just for you”
A masterpiece on green construction paper,
Though what it is you haven’t got a clue.

But you love those little scribbles because of who’s they are.
Just what they mean you really do not care.
You just kiss your little Rembrandt and say “when we get home,
We gonna tape it up on the Frigidaire”

Cause you’re a collector of refrigerator art

Little kids create their world with their Crayola
To some it might just look a colored mess
But beauty is in the eye of the beholder
And moms can be so easy to impress

They are collectors of refrigerator art

And no mother worth the keeping would chaste or deplore
She would open up a gallery right on the freezer door.

We try to do the best of which we’re able
But every time you know we fall so short
Compare to true perfection, we all fall outside the lines
As best we’re just refrigerator art.

But the one who put the stars up in the heavens
The one who made the wings of the butterflies
He will take us with are awful disproportion
Somehow, we’re all still lovely in His eyes

He’s a collector of refrigerator art
He’s a corrector of refrigerator art
He’s the protector of refrigerator art”
-Allen Levi

"Oh, trouble, trouble...

2010-06-17T14:16:00.002-05:00

“... trouble, trouble
Feels like every time I get back on my feet
she come around and knock me down again

Worry...Oh, worry, worry, worry, worry
Sometimes I swear it feels like this worry is my only friend”

Ben, Charlotte, and I had a UAB appointment this past Friday and I have been meaning to give everyone an update, but VBS has kept me busy. Sorry for the wait. We went down Thursday evening along with my parents and stayed with my oh-so hospitable grandparents, because our appointment started in the morning. This visit was a little different than the last one, because I not only had an ultrasound to see how Charlotte was progressing but also met with a genetic counselor, a rehabilitation Doctor from Children’s, the head of the Spina Bifida department, and one of the neurosurgeons from UAB. It sounds a little overwhelming, but it was nice to have many questions answered and to see what a coordinated team UAB has for Charlotte.

The ultrasound was done first by an OB specializing in high risk pregnancies. He or one of his team will be delivering Charlotte in a few weeks. The ultrasound showed no major changes from our last visit which was quite a relief for me. One ventricle in the brain is slightly more enlarged than another, but its change has not been enough to cause any alarm. I will be meeting with him again in four weeks for another ultrasound and to discuss the actual birth in more detail.

Next we met with the genetic counselor and the rehabilitation doctor. The genetic counselor came in case something showed up on my ultrasound to indicate the defect might be genetic rather than random. Fortunately, this was not the case so I will no longer be working with her. Next we talked with the rehabilitation doctor about the specific problems Charlotte might face. He couldn’t have been nicer and did a great job of explaining everything. First we discussed Charlotte’s feet. She might have trouble in this area ranging from flat feet to weak ankles and the possible need for braces. Next we discussed the bladder. The more major problem is a Neurogenic Bladder, meaning she has trouble fully emptying her bladder causing UT infections and possible back up into the kidneys which can lead to permanent damage. She will be monitored for this problem, and the usual solution is Clean Intermittent Catheterization (CIC). This simply means emptying the bladder by inserting a catheter and draining urine. The catheter is removed each time, and the procedure is repeated four to five times during the day. The less physically harmful problem she might face is if she is unable to control the muscles that stop bladder and bowel functions from happening. Some children can learn a schedule, and the doctor informed us there are medicines that force the bladder and bowels into scheduled release; so she could learn what time she has to go to the restroom.

We also met with Betsy the SB coordinator. She was extremely kind and explained she would be our “go-to” person with any questions or concerns before and after Charlotte is born. I have to say that the UAB team is pretty amazing. They all seem to be passionate about helping children and are very well organized. Betsy gave us a book on SB called Health Guide for Parents of Children Living with Spina Bifida. It has been daunting and helpful all at once, and I’ve pretty much read it cover to cover.

The neurosurgeon was last, and he explained once again how and when this opening happened (first 26 days of life). He also explained how they would go about closing the spine. The surgery will happen within 24 hours of delivery and typically takes from 1 to 3 hours. He informed us they would be watching her in case she needs a shunt, which 80% of children do with SB in this location. He then gave us the wonderful news that I can hold her on a pillow (avoiding the back) soon after surgery and that breast feeding can typically start three days after surgery. We had all been preparing for her having to be in an incubator in the NICU for 2 weeks without being able to have direct contact, so it was wonderful to hear that this would not be the case. We finished up the meeting with a few more questions and then headed back to my grandparents.

Emotionally, I had several rough weeks right after we found out, but I had started to feel like I was finally on the road to acceptance. However, the road to acceptance is paved with potholes and sharp turns. I had decided not to do much internet research after we found out, because I knew it would always give me worse case scenarios. And, I worried about accuracy. I was starting to accept that Charlotte was going to have problems but did not fully realize what they would be. The unknown is always hard, but I believe there is also some truth to the statement “ignorance is bliss.”

Right after our appointment I felt a huge sense of relief to have so many questions answered and to know I would have contact with her sooner. Yet, as time has passed, I have been a bit overwhelmed by the future. Now that I know in detail, the complications it feels as if I’m grieving all over again. I know things could be worse but that doesn’t mean things are easy. I’m always wishing it could be me and not my baby girl that has to go through all this. I think part of these anxieties stem from the fact I’m already in my third trimester, and the date is soon approaching when little Charlotte will be here. I’ve often wondered how I would handle a “normal” pregnancy/birth and now my mind reels at the idea of going through something different. I get overwhelmed that I probably would fail as a parent to a child with no complications; so how on earth will I give Charlotte all that she needs? Will I be able to spot the signs of a need for a shunt, and a backed up bladder? Will I be able to monitor her in such a way that we can catch complications before they get bad? Will I be enough of a mother??? In my mind I know that even if Charlotte were perfectly healthy, I would not be enough. I am a sinner through and through. Only God is enough for Charlotte….but in my heart I so desperately want to be everything for her.

I also worried that Charlotte might have a hard time accepting the body God has given her. It hurts to think she might view herself as less because of her complications. I’ve always struggled with my self image; thinking I was not pretty and placing too much importance in being physically attractive. I struggled in this area, and I am healthy. I imagine that it will be so much harder for her, and it kills me. This world is a tough place to be if you are not physically perfect, and every magazine and TV Ad is spotting ways to help in the search for perfection. I already know that I will think Charlotte is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Yet I want so much to protect her from these lies and to help her realize that her worth is found in God. I’m already praying that she will fully understand that this is exactly the body God wanted for her, and it is made in His image to glorify Him.

As always, I would ask that you pray for Ben, Charlotte and me. I would appreciate if you would pray that I have peace and accept the bread God has given me. Please pray for strength for Ben. He has had to be my rock through all of this and that can’t be easy. And please continue to pray for Charlotte: for her health, for sound mind and judgment for the doctors working on her, and for her future relationship with Christ. Thank you all for your support. I literally do not know what I would do without it. I thank God for all of you.

"All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother." ~A. Lincoln

2010-06-01T11:23:00.013-05:00

When I first found our I was pregnant, I started looking at crib bedding. I quickly realized that I had a taste for bedding that was way too expensive!!! My mom and I were a little horrified at how costly it could all get. Then my mom had the wonderful idea to make the crib bedding together. We decided on a sewing weekend in May, and I went to work to find the perfect fabric. Before I knew it I was headed to Covington to sew. Thus began a wonderful five days of sewing, cursing, laughing, and learning with my wonderful mother!!!

I arrived in Covignton on Thursday afternoon. I'll admit that my mom and I did not buckle down immediately to sew, because we had to chat for a bit... awhile... a few minutes... OK, I don't know how long; we just chatted, but we did finally head up to my mom's sewing room to work out ideas. Before we could even begin to cut the fabric, we had to do the background work of deciding on details and LOTS of math. Before long, it was dinner time, so we decided to eat and get to the major work on Friday.

We started with the skirt. I had picked out a natural linen and wanted to band it with lace. After we had cut all the strips for the skirt, I went by a local discount fabric store to look for lace. I found the lace I wanted, but it was attached to a 3 inch band of very tacky fabric. So, I planned on using a seam ripper to detach the lace. When my wonderful/honest mother saw what I had gotten, her eyes went wide. I think she was trying to think of a kind way to tell me what I had gotten was not going to work. I quickly told her my plan to detach all the lace, and she was quite relieved to see I had not completely lost my mind. Before long, both of us were worn out on sewing and decided to call it quits. We were still not finished with the skirt and both realized this would be a longer process than we thought.

The following is a picture of the linen with the lace trim:

My mom did the real work of sewing while I ironed...and ironed...and ironed

Finally on Saturday we finished the skirt and we were both thrilled with the results. It was so nice to see a finished product after much hard work and many pin pricked fingers.

After church and a long leisurely lunch (one of my favorite parts of being back home), we began the arduous task of bumpers!!! There was a considerable amount to work out since the directions that came with the bumper inserts were not clear. We decided to do four separate bumpers with the idea that if sweet little Charlotte spit up on one then all of them would not have to be be cleaned. We also thought we would do invisible zippers on all the bumpers. After spending a few hours trying to figure out how to attach them I decided to go without. My poor mother had spent all this time learning how to attach them for me to say "never mind" but she's amazing and went right along with my decision.

I also wanted a ruffle for the top of the bumpers. Let me warn y'all; we had already realized the misery of ruffles while making the bed skirt and now we had to make tiny ones. My mom started on the ruffles Monday morning but before too long the ruffler foot on her sewing machine gave out. Not fun... good thing Charlotte can't understand words yet!!!

After much work we finally finished them and both agreed it was worth it:

But this is what my mom wanted to do to the fabric:

And I was pretty sour about ruffles as well!!!

Then we had to attach the ruffle to the bumper fabric... not fun either, but we eventually finished and the results made us squeal with delight.

We powered through to get them finished Monday because my mom had to go back to work Tuesday and I had to get back to my husband!!!

The last bit was hand stitching the bumper closed after the insert was in place. I hated this almost as much as the ruffle but the end was in sight!!!!

Finally, at 6pm Monday evening we finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We celebrated by eating pistachios on the porch and our favorite cream cheese and pepper jelly :) My mom helped me pack up, and I hit the road to Scottsboro to see how it would look and fit in the crib.

The following are pictures of the nursery thus far along with the finished bedding.

Drapes:

Lamps:

Dresser/changer:

The bedding and crib:

And the finished product:

I still have to find a chair, and I'd like a very small bookcase. I really love how everything has turned out. I had so much fun making the bedding with my mom, and I learned a ton about sewing. Now I feel confident enough to make a blanket to match the crib. I will always look back on our sewing weekend with happiness...and laugh about how frustrating it became at points and think with fondness about all our crazy moments (all the silk needles, losing rulers, and just general scattered brains). Thank you so much Mom. You are amazing, and I thank God everyday for our friendship. I only hope that I can be half the mom to Charlotte as you have been to me. Oh, and I am thinking that if Ben and I have a boy next... maybe we get his bedding from Target :)

"If the whole world were put into one scale, and my mother in the other, the whole world would kick the beam." ~Lord Langdale

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. " ~Washington Irving

Who knows, maybe one day Charlotte and I will sew bedding for her own child!!!

"I found him whom my soul loves; I held on to him and would not let him go..." Song of Solomon 3:4

2010-05-19T09:53:00.010-05:00

Ben and I have been married for THREE years now. How the time flies!!! Life is not perfect but these have been some of the best years of my life and I can't wait to spend many more with him. The following is a quote that makes me think of our relationship every time I read it.

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.

I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish and frivolous and weak things which you cannot help dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful, radiant belongings, that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.

I love you for ignoring the possibilities of the fool and weakling in me, and for laying firm hold on the possibilities of good in me. I love you for closing your eyes to the discords in me, and for adding to the music in me by worshipful listening.

I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life not a tavern but a temple and of the words of my every day not a reproach but a song.

I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me good and more than any fate could have done to make me happy. You have done it by being yourself. Perhaps that is what being a friend means after all." -Elizabeth Barret Browning

Ben you are the most amazing husband and I can't wait to fall more madly in love with you as I watch you become a father.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!

"For we are not long here"

2010-05-13T11:47:00.001-05:00

"For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"

This post might be a bit more rambling than the last but I hope it will provide a small measure of enjoyment to those of you who read my blog!!

First I would like to once again thank all of my friends and family for their support. It has been so amazing to see how God has blessed us with a network of people who care so much for the well being of our family. I think it is in times of trial that we truly see the importance of the body of Christ. So many of you have called, written, and said kind words. I can't tell you how much it has meant to Ben and me. No, it doesn't change our situation but it does make the burden seem less cumbersome and the road ahead less lonely. THANK YOU.

I also would like to say my biggest thanks to my wonderful husband. Ben has shown me what God means when He talks about a "help meet." When I'm at my worst, it is only Ben who can make me smile again. He allows me to be sad but he doesn't let me wallow. When I am overwhelmed by the possibilities, he brings me back to the joy of the present. He reminds me of the wonderful reality that we are having a precious girl whom we will and already do love more than life itself. Ben will be an amazing father, just as he has been an amazing husband.

As for Charlotte's progress, she is growing and seems to be doing well. Her movement has become much more prominent, which is a joy for me. Every little kick reassures my heart. We went for a check up yesterday to my OB in Huntsville. Her heart was pumping strong (148) although it took the nurse a little while to get a good reading because Charlotte was moving around so much! My blood pressure is still very low which I suppose is better than the alternative. I also told my doctor that the nausea is back. I thought after the first trimester I was home free but this past week has reminded me that my body is not my own!!! Right now carrots (and I mean bags a day!!) and fruit are my best friend. I will continue to see my OB in Huntsville for routine checkups and periodically go to UAB. My next appointment at UAB is June the 11.

As for my emotional health, well, I'd say there are still good days and bad days. Guilt still rips at my heart and anxiety about the future is a daily battle. Many times when I'm around happy, healthy children I wonder will Charlotte ever be this healthy? Will she suffer from more sickness than those around her? Will her mental capabilities be the same as any "normal" child? Will there be complications with the surgery? The "what ifs" can overwhelm me. I try to remind myself of Elizabeth Elliot's quote: "God does not provide grace for our imaginations. It is 'this day, our daily bread.'" I must be content with the present. Charlotte was never mine. She is God's child and I must open my clinched fist and let Him freely have her. I have to put Charlotte and all my trust in the Lord.

This trial has also made me think more on things eternal. I find myself bound up to what this world has to offer; placing things that will one day be dust above eternal riches. Charlotte's complications have been a wake up call that this world is not so great. It is full of sin, suffering, and the bane of man. Why do I treasure what is a blink of the eye when God has prepared a place of perfect peace and joy for eternity. I am praying to fully realize that Charlotte's eternal well being is of far greater importance than health, which is fleeting. This is a struggle but I'm daily asking God for help.

I don't want you all to think that all my days are sad. Actually, most are quite good. Charlotte attended her first concert a week ago where she proceeded to kick the heck out of me!!! I think the drums made her a bit wired. I also had the experience of registering at Baby's R Us. My friend Ann went with me to help with the overwhelming choices. WOW. The place is huge, but it was a ton of fun deciding what bathtub Charlotte will have and picking out passies to try.

Our stroller came in and I was able to put it together. It moves great and I find myself pushing it around my house just for fun...the neighbors probably think I'm nutzo. Charlotte's crib also came in this week. My parents and grandparent's gave it to us as a baby present. It is an iron crib with a canopy, and I love it!!! The Brattons came over and helped us put it together, which was a ton of fun. I go into her room every morning and take such joy in how it's progressing. We still need a chair and some shelves for books, but I love how it's shaping up. Thursday of this coming week I'm headed to Covington to make the bedding for the crib with my mom. Ever since we decided to do this, I've been so excited. I've seen a lot of wonderful bedding online, but I think it will be a ton of fun to make something with my mom that is totally unique for Charlotte. However, I'm a little worried that I won’t be much help since my sewing skills are greatly lacking!! I'll try to post some pictures of the nursery soon.

Once again thanks for all the love and support. We would greatly appreciate your continued prayers.

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus."-Phil 1: 3-8